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The Bramble-Bush Tales 



Containing: Novelettes, Poems and Pen Sketches 




.This Bramble-Bush Tickles the Reflections: Likewise the Risibles 

Quickens the Imagination and Engenders Bon-Homie 

It Points Some Morals and Adorns Some Tales 



Which was Its Ancestor and What will be the Offspring of Its 

Brambles, Berries and Bush ? 

It Wears the Collar of Heritage and Environment. 

Whose Collar Do You Wear? 



By WILLIAM BUSCH 



Copyi-ight 1908 

by 
William Busch 

All Eig-hts Reserved 






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1 CONTENTS 



NOVELETTES 



1 . Rebecca at the Well 

A Tale of Adventure 



2. Mesdames Cox and Box 

A Paroxysm of Passion 



3. Paradise Not Lost 

A Poetic Jeu-d' Esprit 



4. Our Doughty Cantineers 

A Merry Conceit of American Customs and Manners 



5. Poems 

6. Pen Sketches 

7. Whispers of the Heart 

8. Facts Stranger than Fiction 




THE AUTHOR 



HER FIRST LOVE 

• • . OR. • • • 

REBECCA AND THE BOGUS LORD 



A ROMANCE. 



You take a chance for luck and win 
And shie your castor in my ring- 
To read clean novels is the proper thing, 
Much satisfaction they will bring; 
Photographic prisms of translucent light 
Illume the world's doing's by day and night, 
Peruse this romance at your will 
Whene'er there's an idle hour to kill. 
To youth 'twill bring new thoughts — life's bridge to span, 
And pleasant memories to wayfaring man, 
Dame Fortune may rise from her hidden couch, 
Arid g-Hde through the portals of your house, 
Is the author's wish profound. 



PREFACE. 

The female heroine of this kaleidoscopic romance is a rare 
exotic, so to say — a sort of lusus naturae of the middle classes — 
with robust sentiments, nobility of soul, and a controlling desire 
for adventures of the kind usually attributed to the stronger sex. 
Manly men are desirous of placing women on a lofty pedestal 
for men to kneel to and worship. We like to clothe her in the 
mantle of high ideals of purity, charity and nobility of char- 
acter, belonging to the angel world. Though women are not 
entirely the angels, nor have they altogether the qualities of the 
angel world, of which we read, in Holy Writ, unless we qualify 
it by saying, minus the wings and plus the hoofs. They are 



,; REBECCA AT THE WELL. 

clothed, so to speak, in Hesli and blood and thus then" environ- 
ments i)revent them from beini;- the etherial spirits above re- 
ferred to. Vet an all-wise Creator, when he formed man and 
woman, seemed to have decreed that she be made of finer clay 
than man ; cast in a purer mould ; so that her aspirations, her 
emotions and passions are not so gross as in man. 

Man punishes, with a want of sympathy^ nay, "oft even with 
bitter resentment and cruelty, the sins of his fellow-man. 
Stricth- following the scriptural injunction of the Old Testament 
of "an eve for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth." 

While, when woman is guilty of having violated the moral 
or legal code, we may feel resentment, and even punish, but, 
at the same time, we pity, almost weep with the unseen choir 
of angels above, that she has become a fallen angel. 

When I indicate that the lady of this sketch has somewhat 
the quality of a man, I mean simply to say, that, in common 
with many other women, particularly of the old country, she 
was physicallv strong; having good, hard sinews and muscles; 
sound lungs, heart and digestive functions. These qualities are 
usually begetting virility and a sound brain. Hence, bold and 
aggressive, and inclined to romance and adventure. In short, 
willing to drain the cup of pleasure to the dregs. But, withal, 
noble of soul, clear in thought and decisive in action. Thus 
approaching the masculine. 

Indeed, there are many mannish women, and, vice versa, 
many womanish men. 

There are many women, should the occasion require, who 
would make acceptable rulers of nations, or generals of armies, 
or female Napoleons in the industrial, political, religious and 
social worlds. While, on the other hand, there are many men 
more fitted for the spheres usually allotted to women. In fact, 
intellectually considered, the demarkation line between men and 
women is often very slender, almost invisible, viz. : the point 
where the man ceases to be, and where the woman begins. 

Thus, the subject of this sketch is a womanly woman, gov- 
erned bv the finer instincts and sentiments of her sex; loyal in 
her domestic relation, and heroic in the sacrifices she makes for 
those that are near and dear to her. 

Hoping that the following story will interest, if not in- 
struct the gentle reader, whose candid judgment is prayed for 
bv the author, who now vanishes into the shade, while the cur- 
tain rises for the tableau to proceed. 



REBECCA AT THE WELL. 



MORAL OF THE STORY. 



I. Our first love seldom dies, or is blotted from our 
memory. 

II. Unceasing- is the devotion of woman to the object of 
her affection. 

Life consists of shifting" scenes, 

Of lights and shades, of joys and pain, 

O'er land and sea we flit about. 

Till weary our souls are homeward bound. 

We play our part in Destiny's behest, 

But often fail to do our best. 

Comedy or tragedy may be our part ; 

Real, not shamming, like the actor's art. 

Clouds often darken our pathway's finding. 

Still, hope leaves always a silver lining. 

Of future bliss and happiness. 

That goads us on through toil and sadness. 

Till the grim reaper shifts the scene. 

And lets the curtain fall pro tempore, we hope— • 

And hope to live again in some new sphere. 

And form of action. 

Joy to the soul which knows. 



REBECCA AT THE WELL. 




Rebecca at the Well. 



REBECCA AT THE WELL. 9 

CHAPTER I. 
Rebecca at the Well. 

The story of my sweetheart at the well, as told to me by 
my friend Props, when in a reminiscent mood, as we were sit- 
ting under the shade of palm leaves in the garden of the Plote; 
Belleview, in a town of South America, drinking a cup of 
chocolate; nothing stronger if you please. Props was in a 
happy mood while referring to his childhood days, passed in his 
mother country, far, far a^yay from our present temporary ren- 
dezvous. 

Said he : 'T belonged to that unknown quantity, usually 
called foster son, who occupies the place in the house as a gar- 
con of all work, so to speak ; the general utility man at home 
and the chaperon while abroad. I was the left-handed member 
of the family of which Rebecca was the heroine. She was the 
younger blossom, while I married the elder blossom." 

Lighting a fresh Havana, he continued : "However, I must 
first give you an outline of the place and country where Rebecca, 
'my sweetheart at the well,', lived." . 

"But why do you call her 'my sweetheart at the well'?" said 
I, interrupting him. 

"O, that's all right," said he, meditatively. "True, I mar- 
ried the elder blossom, but, the other was really my sweetheart, 
my first love, whom cruel fate, at that time, prevented my mar- 
rying. But, 'all's well that ends well.' " 

Thinking that my friend's brain had become etheriahzed 
from over indulgence in the chocolate, and from the nicotine of 
the cigars, and, therefore, was indulging" simply in metaphor, I 
interposed by saying, "Well, my dear boy, how is this? How 
could you marry an elder blossom ? You know elder blossoms 
belong to the vegetable kingdom, and are utilized by doctors, as 
remedial agents, to cure diseases, as sudorifics or diaphoietics." 

"Stupid !" he cried. "I'm not indulging in metaphor now, 
though I did, in my salad days. But. I'm dealing with historic 
facts. I was using abbreviations. I meant to say, the elder 
Miss Blossom. She was a Miss, and I use the word blossom, 
simply euphoniously, as all ladies are blossoms of some kind or 
other, for us men to pluck from the parent stem. And I sav 



10 REBECCA AT THE WELL. 

elder because she was older than her sister. And she really 
had all the fragrance of an elder blossom. But, of that, anon. 
Speaking of the garden spot where my two blossoms grew, I 
must premise that this district of country is not much traversed 
by tourists, and, therefore, comparatively little known to the 
world at large. And this is the part of the country where Dr. 
Faust, of legendary fame, is said to have worked out his destiny, 
before Old Nick gobbled him up. The landscape presents a 
series of mountains and hills, meadowed valleys, through which 
flow many streams, whose sides are edged, in summer, with 
buttercups and daisies and many other varieties of wild flowers. 
These picturesque regions extend through a chain of mountains 
called 'The Seven Mountains,' clear up to a forest called 'Der 
Schwartzwald.' You will also find here broad stretches of 
lovely, luxuriant grass, the emerald hues of which are bewitch- 
ing to the beholder. While further upward, along the moun- 
tain sides, small strips of woodland, with their various species 
of trees, raise their huge and majestic proportions toward the 
sky. While, at the foot of the hills and mountains, on the banks 
of the streams, grow, in profusion, the weeping willows, for 
love-lorn swains and damsels to rest beneath, as they meditate 
on the uncertainty and fickleness of love. These woodland 
strips are. however, usually, of small dimensions ; not more than 
a mile or two square, and of whatever shape they may assume. 
For you must know that the country, in this part of Germany, 
is thickly settled. The part I speak of being located on the 
left banks of the Rhine, the Father of Waters, so to speak, of 
Southern Germany, just as the Mississippi is called the Father 
of Waters of the United States. This part of Germany was 
once governed, for some time, by the mighty Napoleon of 
France, whom destiny had developed from a Corsican corporal 
to a militarv despot, who, at that time, seriously threatened to 
overthrow the royal dynasties of Europe ; but whose star finally 
sank into oblivion on the isle of Saint Helena. 

'Tnterspersed amid these various plots of woods is the table 
land where the small farmers or bourgeois of Germany raise 
the various products of the vegetable kingdom to eke out their 
existence. These farms arc usually small, mostly three, four, 
or five acres, with here and there a farm of twenty-five acres, 
the possessor of which is considered opulent. If he has forty 
or sixty acres, lie is rich — probably a baron. These farmers' 
houses were of ancient style, with gables and slanting roofs, 
covered with clay tiles of a red color. One cannot find there 



REBECCA AT THE WELL. 11 

any flat roofs, though, here and there, you will find one cov- 
ered with slate. The structure of these houses being mostly of 
brick, or of woodwork heavily plastered. 

"These farms of which I just spoke are all in excellent con- 
dition, compelling- mother earth to bring forth her best offspring. 
The gardens are all enclosed with beautiful hedges of evergreen 
or hawthorne, with their rose-like flowers, or other indigenous 
shrubberv. Even the country roads are mostly adorned with 
these hedges, running along the sides for miles, together with 
a profusion of bramble and briar bushes, containing in summer, 
any amount of blackberries or raspberries, for the eyes of the 
traveler to feast on, or to pluck, should he feel inclined to make 
a meal of berries; getting them free of charge, and at first hand, 
except that, now and then, a vicious thorn might prick his hand, 
or tear his clothes, should he dare take too much liberty with 
them. Amid these bramble and briar bushes the eye of the 
traveler mav detect, at intervals, a gooseberry shrub, with its 
delicious fruit. While, if you stroll through the woods during 
the month of June, you may satiate the inner man by plucking 
huckleberries to your heart's content, and in innumerable quan- 
tities. And, during this month, you find the woods alive, not 
only with chirping birds, but also with the joyous exclamations 
and frolics of the peasant children, come hither to pluck, berries 
for the city market, near by, or for home use. For these ber- 
ries are free to all, whosoever is inclined to gather them. In 
this part of the country you find no bogs, quagmires, nor 
marshes, with their stagnant waters, bringing malaria to all who 
live near them. Nor are there heathers or barren wastes of 
sand, where sterility is the ban, which nature or an all-wise 
Providence has decreed, as in other parts of Europe, and in 
some parts of Ireland. Here, nature seems to be at its best — 
almost prodigal ; every foot of land is fertile, and has on its best 
attire; so to say, its 'Sunday clothes.' The soil seems to be rich, 
the climate mild, and rain and water carried off swiftly by the 
rapid currents of the multitudes of streams flowing toward the 
sea, thus creating a perfect drainage system, and leaving a 
salubrious and healthy climate. Hence, its inhabitants are nearly 
all in robust health and comparatively immune from disease. 
Their good health is fvn^ther induced by their frugal mode of 
living. And it is well it should be so, for in what bad shape 
would those crude, simple, country people be if climate, or de- 
cayed, dissipating civilization had made them feeble, and placed 
them under the ban of diseases, as they would have no money 



12 REBECCA AT THE WELL. 

to feed an army of doctors. All they are able to do now is to 
live frugal, humble lives, and pay the king's (I beg your par- 
don, now the emperor's) tax gatherers, after which there is no 
surplus remaining. 

"Even the stony and rocky-mountain cliffs are utilized and 
made to assume a holiday attire with a luxurious growth of 
vines, of whose vintage the world at large gets its various and 
richly flavored wines. 

"Thus the tourist, passing up the Rhine from Cologne to 
Bern, Switzerland, or wandering afoot along the course of the 
Rhine, will pass innumerable vine bergs among the mountain- 
ous region, and find most of the people engaged in the culture 
and manufacture of wine. There you may see hundreds, with 
their alpine stocks (and kippe), or willow basket on their backs, 
containing fertilizers, carrying them up the clififs and steep 
precipices, to fertilize the vine roots. While here and there on 
some rocky promontory apparently rising into the sky are seen 
the spires, towers and turrets of the ruins of some ancient castle 
a thousand or more years old. Some are of Roman origin, 
as their architecture shows, having been the fort of some 
feudal barons of ancient time, who exacted tributes from the 
peasants, and imprisoned within their castle walls the beautiful 
peasant maids of the yeomen of the vicinage. Even now those 
timid peasants look with awe upon these ruins. Thus the world 
at large is furnished by these simple peasants with its after- 
dinner beverages, preceding the afternoon siesta. From here 
comes also the spirit which furnishes hilarity at many a social 
gathering. Nay, it even becomes a Mecca for the weary way- 
farer, giving for the time being surcease of sorrow, oblivion 
and nepenthe. 

"These prodigious developments of nature are, however, 
not altog-ether the result of a favored climate and fertile soil, 
but are, also, the result of -the studious, hard labor of the peas- 
ants who thus aid mother nature. 

"These country people are divided mostly into two classes ; 
those who do the farming on the plateaus and plots of arable 
ground; and" a certain class of mechanics, mostly iron workers, 
who live principally at the foot of mountains, near the streams, 
where factories are located, whose lathes, drills, planing ma- 
chines and grindstones are driven by the power derived from 
water wheels, which, as the reader knows, is considerably 
cheaper than steam. The staple products of these factories are 
mainlv cutlery, as well as the utensils of war, and the swords 



REBECCA AT THE WELL. 13 

whose temper and sharp edges have for the last thousand years 
been famous throughout all civilizatioji. However, the time 
I'm speaking of was not y.et the age of steam in its fullest sense, 
being then but in its infancy, only a few steam plants existing 
in Europe. While now, steam power is seen in every hamlet, 
and will probably in the near future, be superseded by electricity. 
Still, these old-fashioned ways of making utensils were simple 
and cheap, and the products of that day can well be compared 
with that of modern times. 

"And it is in that part of the country, with its narrow 
gulches, and its high precipices, whereof it has been whispered, 
in ancient folk lore, that sprites and gnomes were flitting about; 
and had their rendezvous and mysterious workshops in various 
caverns, where the baser metals were converted into gold and 
glittering emeralds, and other brilliants. Where were" tempered 
the keen-edged Damascan swords, and where Doctor Faust 
learned his black art. 

"Thus I have, in a general way, depicted the country and 
people among which I was brought by a policeman called gen- 
darme, at the age of fourteen years. But I neglected to relate 
my early history which is, however, short and uninteresting. I 
have already stated that I was the foster son in the family of 
my sweetheart, .where fate had cast my die. I was born in that 
ancient Roman city on the Rhine, called Cologne, whose steeples, 
towers, turrets, narrow streets, castles, moats and battle walls 
are known all over the world. It boasts of the first cathedral in 
the world, having been building for nearly three hundred years. 
Perhaps they are still at it. For, while rebuilding and reno- 
vating one part of its structure, another portion is toppling over. 

"Cologne also has a bridge crossing the Rhine, said to be 
unequalled in strength and architectural beauty by any other 
bridge in the world. 

"I was left an orphan in early years, and the government 
which exercises paternal care over its subjects, had me placed 
in an orphan asylum which the government makes a temporary 
abode for its wards until a family is found who is willing and 
fit to adopt the youthful wayfarer. So one day a gendarme was 
ordered to take me, nolens volens, pack and saddle, to my -coun- 
try home called Huescheid, meaning the village on the liill ; be- 
ing some twenty-odd miles from my city home. We. arrived in 
due time, and the first object that presented itself to and fascin- 
ated my eyes, on the vicinage of my future home, was Rebecca 
af the well. 



14 REBECCA AT THE WELL. 

"She appeared to he a huxoni country lass of sixteen; two 
years my senior, but of that anon. She was drawing water from 
the well. I must here premise that this well was not like the 
one spoken of in biblical history ; viz. : one where the water bub- 
bled up even to the surface of the surrounding- ground, and all 
a person had to do'was to bend down and dip his or her pitcher 
into the water. Here, this modern though crude well was some 
seventy feet deep. For you remember me stating, that this Ger- 
man hacienda was located on the hill, and thus many feet above 
low-water mark, or the level of the sea. Hence the well was 
necessarily deep, with sides of rough stones, and having a 
wooden structure around it, covered with sloping roof. The 
well was also furnished with a wooden axle, at one end of which 
was a large swinging wheel, and at the other was an eccentric 
crank, or windlass, thus enabling two persons, one being at the 
wheel, the other at the crank, to haul up a bucket of water, at- 
tached to a rope or iroii chain fastened to and wound around 
the axle. As this well was a considerable distance from the 
house it was the custom to carry a barrel of water at a time. 
The barrel with its hooks was hung on a pole, which rested on 
the shoulders of two persons carrying it. After the policeman 
had duly installed me in my new home, he left. 



REBECCA AT THE WELL. 15 

CHAPTER II. 

Props' -New Home. 

It did not take long for me and the farmer's family to get 
acqnainted. For these simple-minded country folks use little 
ceremony, but are whole-hearted and soulful. So, in a few days 
we were just as good friends as though we had known each 
other for years. The paternal Blossom's family consisted only 
of his wife and two daughters; Rebecca, the younger, and 
Gretchen, the elder blossom. Of course, to an unsophisticated, 
youthful yokel, like myself, the girls were the magnetic lode- 
stones. In this embryotic state we are endowed with an unusu- 
ally vigorous imagination and every goose becomes a swan, and 
every lass a queen. Rebecca, as I said before, was a well de- 
veloped, buxom lass, with rosy cheeks and auburn hair. She 
was not a dark beauty nor a handsome blonde, but a happy 
medium between the two. For, one often finds the former class 
to be of a fierce and revengeful character, or morose and gross, 
if her environments have been such as to develop these 
innate qualities. And the latter class is also subject to many 
pitfalls in this earthly vale of troubles and snares, for the regu- 
lar blonde is likely to be too ethereal, and frequently prematurely 
droops before the world's cold blast. She is often inclined to 
too much gaiety and pleasure seeking, coupled with fickleness 
in love. Hence the auburn haired maid, being surrounded by 
proper environments, is more likely to be an enduring ornament 
of society, a helpful factor in the domestic and industrial world, 
and a noble daughter, mother and wife. For she manages to 
eat. drink and sleep regularly and to take the quantum of pleas- 
ures offered her in moderation. To this class belonged my 
sweetheart. She had finely chiseled features ; rather a small 
mouth with enticing red lips, a straight Grecian nose, somewhat 
retrousse, a mouth full of white, pearly teeth ; well developed, 
arching eyebrows ; rather small, delicate ears attuned to hear 
and enjoy the singing of the robin in the woods, or the music 
of the spheres. Feet fit for a Cinderella slipper ; ankles so 
curved by nature that a sculptor would have been proud of as 
a model. A bosom and bust framed by nature in its happiest 
mood, and a well-curved neck surmounted by a well-poised and 



16 REBECCA AT THE WELL. 

jaunty head, and add thereto the magnetism and sparkle of her 
bewitching" brown eyes. She would have been a reigning social 
queen had she been educated and reared in the city ; but, as it 
was, she was simply a rural beauty whose charms were but 
poorly appreciated by the country swains. Having much vitality 
and an overbubbling of animal spirits, she loved outdoor work, 
and could mount a horse as well as any of us. When giving 
her five-year-old sorrel the reins, she might oft be seen shooting 
through the woods like an arrow. She also loved the mascu- 
line sport of fishing; and in summer, when some spare hours 
presented themselves for recreation, she proved herself to be an 
expert angler, for most of the trout seemed, as if by magnetism, 
to get caught by her hook. And in the dull winter season, she 
enlivened our sport by her company on our hunting trips, and 
jack rabbits were usually brought to time by her unerring marks- 
manship. Gretchen, the elder Blossom, was the opposite in 
character and physique, shy in demeanor and rather delicate. 
Rebecca seemed to have inherited her father's cjualities, while 
Gretchen had become the heir of her mother's. She was the 
senior of Rebecca by several years, and was a decided blonde, and 
inclined to lassitude, the rocking chair and romance being her 
pet diversions ; her head full of dress, the beaux, and an occa- 
sional country dance. While her sister was frolicsome, with a 
mischievous twinkle in her eyes when in that mood, yet withal 
a worker, a useful help around the house and garden without 
which her parents could have scarcely got along, though they 
were well to do but not rich, as their landed estate was rather 
heavily mortgaged. This manor of the Blossoms was not very 
extensive, but was adequately stocked with all the appliances of 
agriculture, such as blacksmith and carpenter shops, to make 
and repair the utensils necessary for use in farm work, 'and 
possibly to help a neighbor here and there who might not be so 
fortunate as to possess these tools. For most all these small 
land owners understand how to repair their farm implements, 
also the shoeing of their horses. Indeed, they have to, for the 
profits gained from their farming amount to little more than 
sufficient to provide for their existence. To the complement of 
a German manor belongs also a baking oven built of bricks, with 
a capacity of baking bread enough to last at least six weeks. 
For these peasants do all their own baking. Their loaves usu- 
ally weigh from eight to twelve pounds, of the kind of which 
the pumpernickle, found in American groceries, is a poor imita- 
tion. This bread is made -of German corn flour with the bran 



REBECCA AT THE WELL. 17 

left in it, and makes a salubrious and healthy food which is 
usually used dunng- week days, while on Sundays and holidays 
they indulge in white wheat bread, often stuffed with currants 
dried grapes or other confections. 

This bread they wrap in cloths and store in their cellars, 
and thus it keeps without becoming dry. 



18 



REBECCA AT THE WELL. 










%--Mi4^^: 




The Donkey Had Lifted His Hind Feet Kicking the Yokel in 

the Breast. 



REBECCA AT THE WELL. 1!) 

\ 

CHAPTER ill. 
The Mill by the Floss. 

Having now been made acquainted with my household 
duties, the next morning after my arrival, I was ordered to go 
to the mill with Rebecca as my chaperon and guide. As these 
mills, are driven by water, they are necessarily situated near 
watercourses, hence the surrounding farmers are sometimes com- 
pelled to travel a mile or two in order to have their grain ground. 
The miller is generally paid a certain tithe in grain for the 
grinding, and in this way the farmers have their corn, wheat, 
buckwheat and oats prepared for home consumption. 

At 4 o'clock a. m. the old gent was abroad and at work 
pretty lively getting us young folks out of bed, for I must con- 
fess to being rather sleepy at that early hour of the day. How- 
ever, these farmers, like their American brethren, believe in early 
rising. Rebecca, while passing the door of my room, smiled 
rather kittenish at my discomfort of early rising. However, our 
donkey was soon saddled and loaded with sacks of corn and 
wheat; for the donkey is a useful animal for these mountaineers 
by virtue of its deftness in climbing hills and other crooked and 
dangerous paths, hence he is used as a beast of burden. 

Off we went in a whiff, as Rebecca deftly applied the whip 
"to my friend, the donkey, who trotted at a pretty lively pace 
towards the mill, uttering his morning salutation of iah — iah, 
while Rebecca and I tripped along lively, one on either side of 
the beast, so tha.t it might not be said, two brains with but a 
single thought, two hearts that beat as one ; for, you know, we 
■ had the donkey between us. On the route, Rebecca pointed out 
to me now and then a strip of land or woods belonging to her 
father. Thus we went on, passing here a garden full of lettuce, 
beans, onions, cabbage, turnips and beets, with here and there 
a bed of flowers ; then again, a potato, corn, wheat, millet, buck- 
wheat, barley, flax or hemp field. So we descended, by easy 
stages and devious roads, into the valley where the mill was 
situated. This place had the euphonious name of Huettemuelle. 
As soon as we arrived, the donkey again heaved out his saluta- 
tion to the miller. While I was unloading him and Rebecca 
holding his head, the ugly beast lifted his hind quarters and 



20 REBECCA AT THE WELL. 

knocked me square in the breast, sending me almost senseless 
sprawling on the ground. At this, Rebecca's ringing laughter 
rent the air. Finally, I got up, not being hurt much, as the 
beast wore no iron shoes on his hind hoofs. But from the mis- 
chievous twinkle in Rebecca's eyes, I half surmised that she 
caused the brute to thus salute me by pinching him in the flanks. 
The miller accommodatingly at once put our grist in the mill, 
and while we waited the two big grindstones ground our grain, 
the donkey meanwhile enjoying a regular heel and toe dance 
in the pasture, "iahing" all the time. I improved the time look- 
ing at the evolution of stones and wheels, and the big dam hold- 
ing the water back in a sufficient amount that, when the sluice 
was opened a mighty stream poured in on the water wheel which 
furnished the grinding power. 

Having our sacks refilled we ambled home again, Rebecca, 
I and the donkey. Reaching home we found a frugal breakfast 
ready with steaming coffee, carefully prepared by the frugal 
housewife, to which we did full justice,- as the trip to the mill 
had whetted our appetites. The custom there is to. eat break- 
fast about eight o'clock, having worked a couple of hours be- 
fore so as to sharpen the appetite; which custom seems to pro- 
mote the health. The idea of clogging the stomach full as 
soon as you get out of bed, as people do in America, appears to 
me barbarous and decidedly unhealthy, promoting indigestion, 
with which most of the Americans suffer. Breakfast being over, 
Rebecca and I went to the large orchard surrounding the estate 
to mow the grass, which grew there in profusion. This grass, 
supplied the cows with food. Rebecca being my teacher, as she 
was to the manor born and knew how to handle the scythe. 
After we had gathered the grass into two large canvases, with 
a string at each of the four corners, we each took a bundle on 
our heads and carried it to the cows. While I fed the cows 
Rebecca milked them. This done, Rebecca led the way to the 
garden, where she beg'an to instruct me in the mystery of hoeing 
beans, transplanting lettuce, asparagus and the one hundred and 
one varieties of the vegetable kingdom growing in that garden, 
for Rebecca was mistress of the art of toil and knew to her 
finger ends all the names of garden truck, as well as how to 
raise them. Then there were flower beds containing dozens of 
divers kinds of flowers, whose bright commingling of color*: pre- 
sented all the hues of the rainbow. Indeed, it was a spot where 
it might truthfully be said that "even Solomon in all his glory 
was not arrayed like one of these," or to modernize the phrase, 



REBECCA AT THE WELL. 21 

where the glitter arid gaudy colors in the pageant of a modern 
king, with his retinue of officers in their gilded uniforms ; or 
the luxurious surroundings of a financial mogul could not com- 
pare in brightness and heavenly beauty with the flowers of this 
simple garden bed. 

The next day we spent in the potato field hoeing, weeding, 
etc. By the by, the gathering of potatoes was a sort of jovial 
pursuit for us youngsters, for a unique custom prevails there 
when the time comes for gathering this staple production. The 
surrounding neighbors, particularly the young folks, come to 
help. After the potatoes are plowed or rooted up by two or 
three plows each with a span of horses, a dozen men stand in 
the furrow of the plow with their forks, shaking up the earth 
to free it from the potatoes. After that, a lot of youngsters 
gather the potatoes and pile them in heaps, and when the day 
is nearly completed the plowing is stopped and all gathef around 
the potato heaps to sort the same and to pile them into the wag- 
ons to be carried home and placed in the cellar. On such occa- - 
sions they generally remain in the field till about ten o'clock in 
the evening, working and singing songs, the bright harvest moon 
shining on their happy faces ; the host providing cider or coflfee 
with any other refreshments he may choose. When the day's 
work is finally completed, all adjourn to the home of the host, 
and gather around the festive board, which is loaded with al- 
most everything imaginable to eat and drink, and all eat to their 
heart's content. After more pleasantry, all go home, though by 
this time, it is near, if not past the midnight hour. This is a 
gathering very much like the American husking bee, or the Ger- 
man reel and spinning bees, where they prepare the flax for the 
homespun clothes of hayseed girls and boys. 

As I said before, I and Rebecca were out every day, either 
to sow, or garner. Many a pleasant day we spent together in 
their splendid orchard, which was an object of beauty as well 
as profit. For this girl of mine was a sort of tomboy, and could 
climb as well as any of the men folks on the farm. Hence, 
during summer, she spent a great deal of time aloft on the lad- 
der, among the trees, picking cherries, or other fruit. With the 
first dawn of morning you might find her there. And it had a 
peculiar fascination for me, to swing to and fro in the branches 
of the trees, when a breeze stirred them. It may be but a simple 
rural pleasure, yet it is one provided by nature, and is grand in 
its simplicity. For there you behold nature in one of its most 
quiet and beautiful aspects. In that grand old orchard you 



22 REBECCA AT THE WELL. 

might see seven or eight varieties of cherries, with their hright 
red, dark brown or jet black gUstening coats ; ten to twelve 
varieties of pear trees, with their fruit in various stages of ripe- 
ness ; apple and plum trees of many varieties, whose boughs 
were bending down with their loads of fruit. For in that part 
of the country the trees are not mere, shrubs, as in America, 
but mostly gigantic in size, where I have seen from forty to 
fifty bushels of fruit, say, apples , or pears, gathered from one 
tree. Imagine a vast field covered with such trees, and a smooth 
green sward below; with you swinging among the branches, 
picking or eating the fruit, as you may desire, as you listen to 
the whippoorwill, the lark, the nightingale, or the cuckoo, chirp- 
ing and carolling in the not far distant woods ; or, maybe, in the 
adjoining tree, singing their anthem to the Creator of All. 
Should we, then, not feel like joining in their matins of joyous 
thanks? These birds are indigenous there, and are protected by 
law from death or capture. 

Thus the time passed day by day. Of course, in winter 
things were not so lively, but we managed, one way or another, 
to find plenty of amusement. Our main occupation in winter 
being to hew wood and thresh the wheat, corn, oats or barley, 
which had been stored in the barns. For there the farmers 
generally thresh their grain in winter, instead of summer, as 
they do in America. Moreover, at that time we had no thresh- 
ing machines, which made the work tedious. Still it furnished 
occupation for many during the cold weather. The barn floor 
being of clay, beaten down and seasoned so that it was hard as 
stone, the sheaves were laid on it, and one or two men, with 
flails, threshed out the grain. And in a country village like this, 
wherein some forty or fifty farmers lived, cold winter days were 
enlivened by a chorus of flails in the different barns, standing 
near each other, so that all could be heard. 

Rebecca and I were on good, if not extraordinarily familiar 
terms. True, she would occasionally box my ears for some sup- 
posed neglect, or freedom I had taken, but the slap was always 
accompanied by such a merry laugh that the next moment I 
had forgotten all about it. And in the inmost recesses of my 
heart I felt like calling for an encore. 

I had by this time become pretty familiar with general farm 
work. So it was Props here, and Props there. But I haven't 
explained yet how I came by that name. It was Rebecca who 
first called me Props for short. It wasn't Mr. Props, nor with 
the handle of a given name to it, but simply Props, seeming to 



REBECCA AT THE WELL. 23 

indicate that I was not yet a full-fledged one. I have ever since 
worn the name in honor of my best girl. I suppose she must 
have picked it up from some theatrical company, where Props 
is the general property man. For I was the steward, so to say, 
the butler, the cook, and bottle washer of the farm ; was sup- 
posed to know where everything was, from a carpet tack to a 
ten-penny nail ; and from the last pail of milk to the last egg 
laid by one of the stray hens. I must know it, and was held 
responsible for it. Thus, when Rebecca said, "Come," I came; 
and when she said ''git," I went at a lively rate. I felt she 
exercised such a potent influence over me, which was, at times, 
almost tyrannical. Yet I was always her willing slave, a la 
Ariel and Prospero. 



24 REBECCA AT THE WELL. 

CHAPTER IV. 

The Kirmess. 

But Easter came, anon, which event stirred the simple 
farmers to the depths of their hearts, and created a hvely time 
among- the boys and girls, who were about old enough to be 
confirmed. Having been instructed all winter by the minister, 
it forms an important epoch in the life of a youngster. It not 
only informs the world that the boy or girl is sufficiently trained 
in religion to become a member of the church, but every boy 
thinks that at this time he has passed the milestone from boy- 
hood to manhood. At least, he becomes a little man, as he now 
has to choose a vocation or be an apprentice, and in nine cases 
out of ten . is expected to hustle for himself ; while the girls, 
after confirmation, begin angling for an introduction into so- 
ciety. The average girl at this time commences to think that 
the world has its eye on her, and she looks into trees and other 
strange places for the coming man. Such is . the case in the 
old world, and more so in the new. Easter is an important 
epoch to the old folks also, for the paterfamilias has to dive 
deep into his pockets to get out all the spare dimes, or, had I 
better say, all the silver groschen, which means and looks some- 
thing like a dime. And sometimes it takes all the farmer has 
accumulated during the year. For this is the season of the year 
when his women folks, old or young, want their Easter bonnets, 
with which the market is at that time usually flooded, from the 
dainty Parisian milliners. There is also a new dress for sum- 
mer, or gaily colored ribbons which his daughters want, and 
some dainty shoe or slipper for Sunday wear, though they wear 
wooden shoes during the winter, at least the men folks do, Yet, 
on Easter Sunday they all want to put on their best apparel. 
Hence there was great commotion in our household on this, my 
first Easter there. For not only Gretchen and Rebecca had to 
be newly caparisoned, but also three boys were ready to shed 
their wooden shoes. No matter how comfortable .the latter 
might have been in winter to keep the feet warm and dry, every 
bOy felt that in summer a pair of calf skin boots or shoes would 
be the propa capa, and also make a better appearance. 

At last Easter morn dawned. The cakes were baked ; the 



REBECCA AT THE WELL. 25 

rice cooked and seasoned; the eggs boiled and colored; the 
floors scrubbed, and the kitchen utensils polished so that you 
might use them for a mirror. There was a cerulean sky above; 
the sun was shedding its life-giving rays upon its subjects below 
on this mundane sphere, while mother earth was again assum- 
ing its verdant hues, clothing hill and dale in the garments of 
spruig. The birds seemed to be in their happiest mood chirp- 
mg and carolling the gladsome tidings that Christ is risen And 
even the old Blossoms had hunted up from some hidden nook 
of the house the family Bible and hymn books, brushing off 
the cobwebs and polishing them up for church use. For on this 
gala day everyone, man or maid, must go to church Our 
family group Wended their way to Newkirchen, a village about 
two miles distant, where the parish church was located. Indeed 
on this beautiful, balmy Easter morning the roads leadino- from 
the various villages to the parish church were crowded with 
gaily bedecked and beribboned country lasses in white frocks 
and with garlands of fresh flowers on their heads and accom- 
panied by their elder, while the parish church bells were merrily 
pealing forth their invitation to the old, weary wayfarers or the 
gay young folks with their promises of the future. 

The parish pastor and the schoolmaster had also made ex- 
tensive preparations for this holiday. For, as the reader possi- 
bly know^, these gents of the cloth were at that time quasi ofli- 
cers of the government, receiving their annual salary from the 
government, though the parishioners were taxed therefor And 
the priest or pastor exercised a sort of paternal control over the 
old folks as the schoolmaster did over the young, who were 
compelled to attend school from the age of six to twelve in- ' 
elusive every day, hail, rain or snow, unless sick. Any infrac- 
lon of this rtile would, cause a gendarme to appear and place 
the head of the family in the cooler, otherwise known as the 
calaboose, for his neglect in not sending his offspring to learn 
ms A, B, Ls. And experience has proved this to be a prettv 
fr^ ?k "J^ybe a little rigid, but worthy of imitation in the 
lana.ot liberty and' license. 

Arrived at the church, we found its surrounding plazas and 
grove crowded with country, folks, greeting each%Aer and 

like mfgpS ' "''' ''' ^"""^ '°^'^ ^''^ ^^-«-"^^ --"d 

fr.r.if'^! "°''^- "^^^ !'"'''^^ ^^ °"^^ ^^ t^^e grand organ pealed 

111 filed in^tf Z^^'- '°^ }""' '^^^""^"§- °^ ^^^ service, Vhfle 
all filed into the edifice m solemn silence, as became the occa- 



2(1 . REBECCA AT THE WELL. 

sion and the place. The sexton, exercising somewhat the func- 
tion of a master of ceremonies, arranging- the debutantes for 
confirmation around the altar, the girls on one side, the boys on 
the other side. After which the schoolmaster, who was also the 
organist, played the grand opening hymn, or te Deum, in which 
the congregation joined, while standing. And one mighty 
wave of rhythmic sound filled the edifice of worship, like the 
rolling of the ocean breakers in a storm, or the murmuring of 
distant thunder. Then, appeared the priest (as an actor enters 
at his cue) in his priestly stole and surplice, when the confir- 
mation ceremony begins. How weird, yet solemn, the tout en- 
semble looks, not unlike a grand spectacle on the mimic stage; 
the quaint gothic structure of the church (for, remember, this 
church is at least, three hundred years old), with its fanciful,' 
stained windows of varied hues, through which glimmers the 
radiant sun, without, as if trying to break through the panes, 
and illumining, in a shadowy sort of way, the saints and ma- 
donnas, who have played their part on the world's stage, an age 
ago, but whose configurations, thanks to the painter's or sculp- 
tor's art, are still looking down from the window panes or niches, 
on multitudes of country yokels and hayseeds in comical attires, 
surrounded by their bairns, who, with wide open eyes and 
mouths, view in awe the scene before them; a scene most im- 
pressive, illustrating the truth, that one touch of nature makes 
us all akin. The spirit is enrapport with the unknown God, 
whom they have come to worship. 

The pastor puts the children through a formal category of 
questions, relative to Bible and catechism. After which they 
are admitted within the pale of the church, full-fledged mem- 
bers. Again the organ peals forth, and the congregation sings 
the closing hymn, then depart to their respective homes. Not, 
however, before the girls, or their best men, buy some bon bons, 
and the older men step into the village tavern, and take a stein 
or two, as they smoke their meerschaums and discuss the events 
of the day. 

On that evening, when I retired to my bed, I must confess 
that my head was full of thoughts of Rebecca, and of how 
lovely she appeared to me on that day. I became conscious that 
I was in love with her, and reasoned with myself that she recip- 
rocated that love, for had she not often, heretofore, given me 
many tokens of this fact? And, even on this very day, while 
being confirmed, had she not twice turned around with a sort 



REBECGA AT THE WELL. 27 

of roguish smile in her eyes, as she glanced at me, sitting in 
the audience? 

Thus we continued our daily routine of work, occasionally 
bringing a load of produce to the market of a neighboring city ; 
which trip generally took two or three days. Some times, Re- 
becca would accompany me. On such occasions we would buy 
clothes and finery for the women, together with other articles 
necessary on the farm, arid which could not be obtained in our 
rural village. 

Time thus rolled on into years, when I had grown to man- 
hood, and Rebecca had blossomed into wom.anhood. While 
Gretchen had reached that uncertain and thankless state of 
maidenhood, called old maid. It must not, however, be inferred 
that she had no beaux, for she had, and she enjoyed good times 
going out, occasionally to balls, with some country swain, and 
there indulging in the exhilarating exercise of waltzing or the 
quadrille, or other old time dances, to the tune of some noted 
country fiddler. However, she had not become entangled in the 
meshes of love ; she was too cold blooded and fickle for that. 
Her passion had a sort of milk and water flavor ; hence you 
could never ignite a match with it. 

Opportunities, however, make thieves, as the saying goes, 
and, as the opportunities to become gay, in the country, were 
few, ergo, she had remained immune from the disease called love. 

In that part of the world they had no theaters, operas, ice 
cream saloons, nor other social gatherings, where the beaux and 
the belles find time and occasion to hunt Cupid from his lair, 
while sipping chocolate or a glass of wine, or doing awav with 
some ice cream, or wooing the muse of music. On such occa- 
sions, Cupid generally awakens and rises from his rosy couch. 
In fact, we in the country, had, aside from Christmas and New 
Year's days, only two principal festivities in the year. One was 
the annual parish Kirmess,. usually held in the summer. At such 
time there would visit our town a couple of carousals, and sev- 
eral city fakirs, with their booths and tents, having for sale, 
toys and nick-nacks, principally for children. 

These toys are mostly made in Nuremberg, whose famous 
factories supply the world with that sort of commodity. These, 
with the addition of several booths, selling confectionerv, con- 
stituted the Kirmess, which usually lasted three days. On such 
occasions, balls were allowed, and the young people could dance 
to their heart's content. 

There was another feast of somewhat more pretentions, held 



28 REBECCA AT THE WELL. 

in the woods, some four or five miles distant from our abode, 
in a place called Giselline, and which usually lasted a week. The 
only structure there was a chapel, dedicated to some saint, whose 
name I forget, containing' a fountain and spring, said to pos- 
sess curative powers. To this place, in summer, from all parts 
of the country, superstitio'us pilgrims, suffering from various 
ailments, might be seen wending their way. Probably this soi 
disant healing fountain did help some, who in reality, had no 
particular pathological disease. As faith is a first-class doctor 
for slight physical ailments, and it is a real specific in mental 
disorders, melancholy and other hallucinations of the mind, may 
be cured by faith. On which basis the modern fads of Christian 
Science and Hypnotism are founded. They seek first to control 
the patient's mind, so that it becomes negative and submissive to 
the mind of the operator, to establish faith, in his power to re- 
lieve and cure. Then follows the oral, or silent suggestion of 
the hypnotist, that all is well ; that the cloud, of whatever nature, 
has passed. When all at once, the mind of the subject feels re- 
lief, and he ambles again forth into the brilliant sunshine of 
hope — hope — hope. So, during this feast in the woods, thou- 
sands from the surrounding country, came daily to this sacred 
fountain. For, there were also to be found in this place, not 
only carousals, but also a circus or two, besides several side 
shows of sleight of hand performances and legerdemain; fakirs 
and suttlers with their sweetmeats; merchants and manufactur- 
ers also brought there the product of their handicraft or their 
stock in trade for exhibition and sale. It was, in fact, a sort 
of fair. So, every paterfamilias trundled in vehicle or on his 
back, his little ones, that they might view the wonders of this 
fair. And every young man also brought his best girl there. 
Thus, by a little maneuvering with the old man, and honey-comb- 
ing the old lady, I prevailed upon them to trust, to my care, 
Rebecca, my sweetheart, for so I considered her. Though this 
may have been a violent presumption on my part, at that stage 
of the proceedings. 

Several days before the opening of the fair I inquired of 
Rebecca : 

"Well, dear, will you go to the fair with me?" 

Raising her eyebrows, archly, with an inquiring glance of- 
her eyes, and with a roguish smile playing" on her dimpled 
cheeks, slightly colored with the roseate hue of^a blush, she re- 
plied : 



REBECCA AT THE WELL. * 29 

■ to J?' ^ "^^"'^ ^'"^''' ^'°1''' ^^'"^"^^'^ P^ter, who has invited me 

Peter was a young farmer's son,, Hving- in an adjoinino- dorf 

h r"S^hildhooV^:^ T^'rf ^^^^^^-' hence^.ad known 
chLe d'lo fr ^'7 '' f'lf^'^ ^'^'\ the advantage of me in the 
had made me./. ''" ^een them in friendly confab, which 

-h-1 I tho Iht n h ''' ^''Z ^"f ? J^^^°"^>^- ^^"t now, as the 
^irJ, I thought to be mme, franklv acknowledged her orefer 
ence.for Peter, my unsophisticated heart came into mv throat 
my eyes swam, and I became dizz3^ For I was then W v' 
mond in the rough, so far as the arVof love wl'co c rn d She" 
must have seen my cheeks blanching, for she at once soranp- ,r^ 
and embraced me, and said, with I cheery laugh ''Of coie 
i 11 go with you to the fair, Props." 

After that, I had smooth saiHng, for I saw that the heart 
of the impulsive girl was mine, though, at times sLlemed 
It a pleasure to banter me. We went ?o the fair and hLr o n 
good time, viewing the sights and eatii/g ic^c': m" nd bonVo* 

my^::te7nZ7 '™' '' "^^"'^ ''''''' ^^^ having served 
WH P I f T T '^''^" ^'^'^' ^^ Jacob of old did, fo? his be 

and'gefnwried fh"r' ^° ^^' -^^^ °^^ "-" ^^ his blessing, 
hand buHud'ed frn \"''^'' P°'^'^^'^>^ "^"^^^^ ^^^ecca for he^ 
Althov^hfhad T ^^\^^^^^"^' that it was. at my disposal, 
also yet be Icked rf' '" '" ^'^^^ '^™^ with Gretchen, 
nece'ssi?; tt Ult tto^'one. ""^""""^ "^' ^^^^°^ '' ^^^-^t-' 
The Im 'fniv '*^' ''''"''^ °^ *"''^' ^^becca and T were enga-ed 

he pariTdZh ^"f ,^771™^" »d wife, a, the ate o? 

happ'';e:^„frtke "^^"^^z^:'^ t:z '", i"'-^ 

runs smoothly; oftentimes over ),TockyroJZ7l- 

eS.^:J:Her-^ "-- ^'-^^^'"^""^ ^S.u?t' itr«!:,;"e„^ti™,f 

paris^chuS: a'tnZme'^t.antr''"" «-'• P™^'-™- - '- 
in bearing, arrived aboTd„,t ?t^f ' ^T"^ '", ?'="■'' ""'^ '"ftj' 

self to tlfe paterfamt ' of the hot" t^n 'S Jr'h"'"?"' "'V'- 

was travelino- on innt ,-r,f^ fi! ' ^"ghsh artist, who 

sketching soSebeautifnt fountains, for the purpose of 

ferring t^eTto canvas f^r' °^ "''"'"' ^'^'^^ ^ ^^^^ of trans- 
-5 uiciii Lo canvas, tor some comino- evhihifi"r^,-i xx^ i 

German and French, finently. and sottght t'ntln -s' ,„c^1„^:f s' 



no REBECCA AT THE WELL. 

thcrt was no hotel within miles of this locality. The suavity 
and blandness of this stranger's manners at once commanded 
obedience from my father-in-law, to be, and he immediatel)- in- 
vited Ihe artist to come and remain, at his leisure, as it was a 
general custom, in that country, to give shelter to wayfarers, 
passing by at eve, more particularly when the stranger wore a 
decent garb, as tourists often passed that way, and usually paid 
handsomely for a night's lodging, or a frugal country luncheon, 
with schmier kase (fresh cheese), or butter milk, or an omelet, or 
a dozen fresh eggs, just laid, together with such other dainties 
as the larder could supply. I did not notice it at the time, but 
I remember now, how, on the arrival of this stranger, Rebecca, 
standing on the porch, seemed wrapt in attention. After this 
guest had been made comfortable, he, indirectly, gave my un- 
sophisticated father-in-law (to be) to understand that he was an 
English nobleman, traveling in disguise. He was a brilliant 
conversationalist, showing that he had been highly educated and 
a man who had traveled much ; in short a man of the world. 
My sweetheart sat in one corner of the room, listening, with 
open eyes and mouth, and seemingly lost in wonderment at the 
language and manners of this stranger, which was pardonable 
on her part, as she had never been away from home, and the 
world at large was an unknown quantity to her. Yet, I could 
not help feeling uneasy as I saw her watching, and occasionally 
smiling at the witty sallies of the stranger, in his conversation 
with his host ; portraying the grandeur of the pageants he had 
seen in foreign lands, and relating, in his own seductive way, 
the splendors of the various capitals of Europe. And as he 
talked of the wonders of nature abroad, all of our mouths 
watered (so to say) and our eyes glistened with the desire to 
see these things ourselves. 

The stranger would, occasionally cast a swift glance at Re- 
becca, to see what impression he was making on her, but, of 
which I did not think much, at the time. After the evening 
meal had passed, and the stranger had joined us in a post pran- 
dial smoke, and after he had shown us some of his pastels, 
landscape sketches and etchings, our host showed him to his 
room and the curtain went down for that day. 

The next morning, I arose with the lark, as is the farmer's 
fate, to attend to the husbandry of the field, and did not see 
the stranger any more that day. But, I was informed that the 
persuasive stranger, aided by the gold piece, which he had 
pressed in to the palm of his host, together with his blandish- 



REBECCA AT THE WELL. 31 

ments, had succeeded in getting the consent of Rebecca's father, 
to allow her to accompany him and guide him to some of the 
beautiful spots of natural scenery in the neighborhood, that he 
might make some sketches of the same. 

And this is where my woe commenced, and where ^the 
stranger got in his work with Rebecca. For, it was not long 
ere he, with his insidious manner and speech, had made a favor- 
able impression on the susceptible heart of the frolicsome and 
unsophisticated, but adventure-loving maiden. When I returned, 
that evening, from my daily toil, she did not greet me so cor- 
dially as was her wont. However, I passed the matter over 
lightly, for, were we not pledged, and with the old folks' con- 
sent, soon to become man and wife? And was not this stranger 
to leave in a day or two, when his advent would be a thing of 
the past, and soon forgotten? But I had reckoned without my 
host. The stranger seemed to want to linger longer, at least 
for a few days more, to get, as he said, a range of the multi- 
tude of the beautiful scenic spots, with which the country 
abounded. And, as he seemed to be plentifully supplied with 
cold cash to pay for his accommodations, his host appeared to 
be in no hurry to bid him farewell. 

I, however, had my suspicions as to the genuineness of his 
lordship. And probably a little jealous of him, also, for the 
attention Rebecca paid him, as he monopolized most of her time. 
However, I was not yet the full-fledged bridegroom, and hence 
must have patience. Moreover, I had not yet learned the mean- 
ing of the saying, "opportunities make thieves." 

Thus things went on, in an uneventful way, so far as sur- 
face indications showed, while Props tended, zealously; his mas- 
ter's farm, and the stranger utilized his time to make hay while 
the sun shines ; for, Rebecca was, by this time, completely fas- 
cinated by the stranger, with his laughing black eyes ; glossy, 
jet black hair ; stately poise, and magnetic physique. Thev had 
wandered, day after day, through blooming rye and corn fields, 
into the woods, where the echo of the cuckoo, and dozens of 
other bird songsters could be heard. They had strolled together 
through the verdant, flower-bedecked meadows, with their mani- 
fold fountain springs of crystal waters, in which innumerable 
fish and trout could be seen disporting themselves. While the 
stranger assiduously employed himself in winning the heart of 
the fair maiden, as he, now and then, plucked a flower for her; 
or picked, here and there, a handful of raspberries or huckle- 
berries, growing by the wayside, where they passed. 



32 REBECCA AT THE WELL. 

Indeed, the clear blue sky, the beautiful sunshine, the gor- 
geous landscape, the brooks, trees, and flowers; nay, the very 
solitude, seemed to conspire in engendering* the sentiment of 
love in the maiden's heart. Even the stranger himself seemed 
to be betwitched, by the simplicity, innocence and beauty of the 
maiden, thus surrounded by all the inspiring accessories of 
nature. 

He had declared himself to be Lord Aisley, and promised 
that, if she would become his wife, he would install her in his 
castle in Northumberland. 

He had depicted to her all the splendor of his ancestral 
home, and its contents, with its dozens of lofty saloons and halls 
lined with paintings of knights in armor, statuary, and all that 
art and luxury could furnish. 

Indeed, there had been many a struggle going on in the 
girl's heart, during this time, as to whether she should reject 
or accept the new love. She had often wished to tell her country 
fiance of this new love-episode, but always wavered ; fearing 
his wrath. As to her own heart, she did not know what to do. 
True, by nature, she had a wistful longing for romance and 
adventure, which were heightened by the alluring portrayals of 
the soi disant Lord Aisley. 

She never dreamed that the castle, he had depicted to her 
in such glowing terms, might be in the air. And his country 
seat at Lake Como, a fiction. 

Whatever their secret agreement, nobody wot of. 

Lord Aisley departed on the morning, previous to our wed- 
ding day. On taking his departure he shook hands cordially 
with all. 

All that day I and the whole family were busy preparing 
for the wedding, to take place that evening, in, the parish church. 
The pots were boiling, and the baking ovens red hot, for the 
cakes and pastry to be baked, and the turkeys to be roasted. For, 
even in this rural out of the way country district, the bumpkins 
expected a wedding feast, where they might fill the inner man, 
and practice, with their lassies, a new waltz step, accompanied 
by Strauss waltz music. 

Even Gretchen was preparing to don her best finery, for 
was she not to be her sister's bridesmaid? 



REBECCA AT THE WELL. 33 

CHAPTER V. 

The Elopement, 

The evening- sun of that eventful day had sunk beneath the 
shades of the western horizon, and it was beginning to grow 
dusk when we started on our journey to the church. As the 
family could not sport two carriages, or buggies for pleasure, 
the old folks, with some of their neighbors, had already started 
to walk to the parish church, about two miles distant.' The 
vesper bells were already chiming their evening prayer, as well 
as announcing to the parishioners that the time had arrived, 
when two hearts should be made one. While I had been harness- 
ing the horses, the girls had put the final touches to their coiffure. 
They both looked very beautiful in their white silk dresses, 
dainty white slippers, with petticoats and hose to match. Re- 
becca had placed a large red rose in the bosom of her dress, 
while Gretchen had put a lily on her dress, and a rose in her 
coifTure. They were just putting on their gloves, when I, the 
bridegroom, called time. When all was read}^ and we were 
seated in the buggy, it was dusk. It so happened that it was 
new moon, hence its silvery rays did not illume the doings of 
the mortals below, though a myriad of stars shone down upon us. 

I took the reins, and with a gentle tap of the whip, bid the 
horses start, which they did with a will, and the trio flew over 
the country road like a will o' the wisp. 

Although the parish church was a short distance, still, at 
night, the road seemed long, on account of the loneliness, there 
being no houses as the road led through the woods. About a 
mile from our house, the road sloped considerably, for quite a 
distance ; at the end of which it made a sharp bend, at which 
another road crossed it, and it was bordered by a short strip of 
woods, on either side. 

It did not take us many minutes to reach this bend, for 
the horses were traveling at a lively trot. To my astonishment, 
I saw some vehicle standing in the road at the crossing, and, 
at first, thought it was the post chaise, which passed there every 
morning and evening. On closer inspection, I found it be a 
closed carriage, drawn by two splendid Jiorses. But I thought 
nothing seriously of it, for it might possibly be the burgomaster 



34 REBECCA AT THE WELL. 

driving liome in his carriage. Suddenly, a shot rang through 
the air, and we were commanded to hall, while three masked 
men sprang into the middle of the road. One grasped the bridle 
of the horses, bringing them to a sudden standstill ; another 
leveled a revolver at us, and, in stentorian tones, commanded 
silence ; while the third grasped Rebecca, and pulled her from 
the buggy. She did not resist much, and while he was doing 
this he made a misstep, thereby nearly precipitating himself and 
his burden on the ground. His mask fell ofif, in his efforts to 
maintain his footing, and lo ! I beheld my friend, Lord Aisley. 
And I involuntarily exclaimed: My Lord, have we thus met? 

He made no reply, but, swift as lightning, hustled Rebecca 
into the closed carriage, and ofif they drove in a mad gallop'. 

In the meantime Gretchen, my other fair companion, and 
myself were almost paralyzed with fear, and could not do any- 
thing, if we had known what to do. 

Our judgment and vision had become dazed at the sudden, 
unexpected and bold developments of the hour. And, before 
we had fully recovered our senses, the elopers; or kidnapers, 
were miles away. What was to be done under the circum- 
stances? Our family and neighbors were gathered in the 
church, awaiting the arrival of the wedding party. Even at 
that moment, the wedding chimes rang in our ears. What a 
scandal it would create, should it be known that my bride had 
been kidnaped, or had eloped with a more favored suitor. What 
mortification was in store for me ! Every bumpkin in the coun- 
try would poke fun at me, for thus losing my bride. They 
would have taunted me, and called me a coward, for the rest of 
my days. But what could I do with three armed men, especi- 
ally as I carried no weapon whatever. And a man is not sup- 
posed to go armed on his wedding day. I was sorely distressed 
at thus being jilted by that girl. For it was clear to me now, 
from her former actions, that it was an elopement, not a kid- 
naping. I was not only distressed, but piqued. My vanity had 
been hurt, by the way my afifianced had slighted me for another 
man. So, I proposed, at once, to the elder Blossom. I pic- 
tured to her the scandal it would cause, and the gossip it would 
create, if there was no marriage that night. I urged that, if 
she and I got married, no one would be the wiser for it. And 
those who might know it, would think it a good joke, that I 
had chosen to swap partners. Anyhow, it would make a better 
appearance, and would be more satisfactory to the old folks, to 
have the elder Blossom married first. And we could explain 



REBECCA AT THE WELL. 35 

the absence of Rebecca at least for that evening on the pretext 
of being indisposed. Thus we could delay matters till the pub- 
lic had forgotten it, or till the police could arrest the betrayer 
of Rebecca. Gretchen seemed not displeased with my proposi- 
tion. For it appeared evident to her mind, also, that her 
younger sister had connived at the apparently bold highwayman 
proceeding. Probably it also occurred to her mind, though she 
did not say so (what woman would) that she had become an 
obsolete number in the matrimonial market. At least, her first 
bloom had passed off, and she had become as one of the last 
roses of summer. Besides, she had always had a kindly feeling 
for me. So, when I again pressed the point, emphasizing it with 
a kiss, which she reciprocated, saying, "So let it be, dear^" I 
once more took up the reins with a heart somewhat lightened, 
and drove on to the church. On our arrival there, we found the 
edifice crowded, and the organ pealing forth, in anticipation of 
our coming. We avoided the crowd by entering the pastor's 
study through a private door. There I met my father and 
mother-in-law, to be, and we hastily explained to them what had 
happened on our journey. After they had recovered from their 
surprise, we secured their blessing. Then we took the pastor 
into our confidence, and he readily consented to our new pro- 
gramme, rather than have no marriage at all, and thereby lose 
his stipend, as a wedding fee. 

Gretchen's heavy white veil easily prevented her being 
recognized, especially in the dim light of the oil lamps. For, 
my dear reader must know, that in those times, country people 
knew nothing of gas or electricity as means of illumination, 
having simply oil lamps or candles. When ready, we were 
ushered through the vestry, into the church, to the air of an 
improvised wedding march by our old schoolmaster. We took 
our places before the altar, where the pastor stood waiting to 
perform the rites of marriage. The service was short and sol- 
emn. After the pastor had exchanged our rings and united our 
hands, he pronounced us man and wife. We then speedily 
departed for our homes, ere any of the congregation learned 
which was which; whether it was the younger or the elder 
Blossom. 



3r> REBECCA AT THE WELL. 

CHAPTER VI. 
A Rival's Treachery. 

Days passed on without any news of the elopers, although 
niv father-in-law had mailed a letter, setting forth the details of 
the affair, to the Prefect of Police at Cologne; that being the 
nearest city to our home. 

The neighbors had, for the most part, ceased to wag their 
tongues concerning the strange disappearance of Rebecca ; and 
the unexpected marriage of the elder Blossom. In those days 
we could not get the daily papers, as they now do, in almost 
every hamlet. The art of printing had not yet, at that date, 
been developed to its present huge proportions. Indeed, we 
poor farmers would have had no time to read daily papers. We 
were satisfied to get a weekly paper and read it on Sundays, 
when we also read a chapter in the Bible on that dayT 

The first number of the Cologne Zeitung, which we re- 
ceived after the disappearance of Rebecca, had a whole page 
devoted to the devious ways of a "noted scoundrel," as the 
editor had termed him, at the head of the columns, printed in 
large type. The page was adorned with a large portrait of the 
individual, whom I at once recognized as the soi disant Lord 
Aisley, who had run away with my bride-to-be. On the oppo- 
site side of the page, was a full-sized portrait of Rebecca, the 
runaway. The article went on to state that a noted forger, who 
traveled under the nanire of Lord Aisley had been guilty of sev- 
eral forgeries in France and Germany; that he was an English- 
man, by the name of John Atkins, who had already served one 
term in the penitentiary of his own country. As things had 
become rather too hot for him there, he had shaken the dust of 
English soil from his feet and was traveling on the continent, 
under the assumed name of Lord Aisley. 

The real Lord Aisley was a nobleman, who owned a large 
estate in Northumberland, and whose ancestors were of ancient 
nobility. In addition, the article stated that, singailarly enough, 
Atkins bore a striking resemblance to Lord Aisley, which fact 
aided him in his deception. Atkins' father, being a respected 
merchant in London, had spared neither pains nor money to 
educate his said son, John. Thus the latter had acquired more 



REBECCA AT THE WELLr 37 

than an ordinary education ; speaking several languages fluently. 
Being of a fine appearance, and possessed of elegant manners, 
he had become the idol of society. But, being pampered too 
much, he had acquired dissipated habits, and refused and neg- 
lected to fulfil his father's wish, that he enter some honorable 
vocation. 

The old man, when he finally realized that his son would 
not listen, had discarded him and ejected him from the paternal 
roof; refusing to further supply his demands for money. 

Under these circumstances, he had become ostracised from 
his country; traveling abroad under the pseudonym of Lord 
Aisley. Having defrauded many people under that high sound- 
ing title, and finally, as the paper stated,, had forged a check on 
the Bank of England, under his assumed name, which check a 
Cologne merchant had cashed, believing the man to be the one 
he represented himself to be. But when the check was presented 
at the bank, it had been dishonored. The paper further stated 
that, when it became too hot for the polished gentleman in' the 
city, he took himself to the country, and traveled afoot among 
the country folks, pretending to be a landscape artist, looking 
for country scenes. That there, in one of his rural journeys, 
he had come across an honest yeoman's daughter; and by his 
blandishments had bewitched her. And finally had Carried her 
off by force, on the eve of her marriage to her rural lover. It 
was another ''rape of the lock." That he had so far eluded the 
gendarmes, on his track, and a reward of a thousand dollars was 
offered for his capture. 

This news confirmed my innate prior suspicion as to the 
genuineness of his lordship, which had become pronounced from 
the moment he had captured my bride. 

Poor, misguided Rebecca, who had made the mistake of her 
life, under the influence of the evil eye of that scoundrel. But 
I partially consoled; nay, even congratulated myself for having 
married the older Blossom, for she had now become settled 
down, and was a sensible wife. True, her love seemed more 
Platonic, and not of that fiery character, which I had noticed 
in the buxom, frolic-loving, but now lost Rebecca. It was evi- 
dent that she voluntarily abided with him, for, if she had remon- 
strated, or made a sign of distress, some one of the multitudes 
of people they had passed, or must necessarily have intercourse 
with, would have given the alarm, when the police would at 
once have pounced upon him. 



38 REBECCA AT THE WELL. 

Weeks passed into months, and months into a full year, still 
all was silent." 

Here Props drank a glass of cham]:)agne which I had or- 
dered, in the meantime, to drive dull care away. After which 
he continued. 

"But, now, let me bring you once more to the scene where 
Lord Aisley, alias John Atkins, had carried off Rebecca. We 
learned later that, after placing Rebecca in the waiting cab, John 
Atkins and his confederates whipped up their horses and drove 
furiously away, taking a round-about road, which led from the 
parish town, until reaching the broad chausee, or highway, lead- 
ing to Aluelheim, on the Rhine ; being in the immediate vicinity 
of the ancient city of Cologne, rather an annex to the latter city. 

It must be remembered that there the principal highways 
are in splendid condition for driviHg. Better than we often find 
the streets of our various cities. In fact, those German hig-h- 
ways resemble more our modern boulevards in their smooth 
surfaces ; and in having, mostly, both sides lined with poplar, 
or 'Other shade trees, expressly planted there by the government. 
When the conspirators reached this highway, they turned their 
horses towards Muelheim. At this stage of the game the pseudo 
Lord Aisley dismissed two of his conspirators, by putting into 
their palms several gold coins, as remuneration for their ser- 
vices. Having settled that, the cab fairly flew along the road, 
as they had a splendid pair of spirited horses. 

Rebecca, and her captor, were now the only occupants of 
the cab, with the exception of the driver, who was on the box, 
on the outside, and who also expected to reap a rich harvest for 
the part he had taken in this play of the baser passions. 

At first, Rebecca seemed to have been dazed by the swift 
occurring events, and by the time she regained her self-posses- 
sion, they were speeding along the road, several miles from 
home. 

Lord Aisley had now thrown off his haughty and harsh 
demeanor, and had assumed his most bewitching ways, as m^s 
his custom, when in the company of the fair sex. And no one 
knew better than he how to charm the ladies. Falling on his 
knees and embracing Rebecca, he said, "It is all over now, my 
dear. You are mine." 

Rebecca partially resisted his advances, and began to softly 
cry. Possibly the uncertain results of her bold step flashed be- 
fore her soul. Though she had loved the bogus lord, she had 
not expected this sudden turn of affairs, nor reckoned the con- 



REBECCA AT THE WELL. 39 

sequences. And there was, also,, possibly, a sudden filial feeling 
dawning in her breast, which at some time or other, will make 
itself manifest. The feeling, which is natural between parent 
and child, must have revealed to her the knowledge that she 
had not treated her parents exactly right. However, her com- 
panion, with the ingenuity and tact of a man of the world, took 
out his handkerchief, and lovingly wiped away the upwelling 
tears; at the same time reassuring her of his undying love. 

What woman is there who could resist such blandishments 
from a handsome man, whose very magnetism even now seemed 
to thrill her very soul and her every nerve? 

Recovering her equanimity, she asked: ''Lord Aisley, 
where are we going?" 

With the supreme assurance, which formed a principal part 
of his character, he replied : "My dear, we are going to Cologne, 
and the first thing we'll do, will be to get married, so that they 
can never separate us." 

Being satisfied with this explanation, she became more re- 
signed, and even jovial. So that they passed the remainder of 
the journey most pleasantly. 

Arriving at the city's outer gate, at the first grey dawn of 
morning, a sentry halted them, to ascertain whether thev pos- 
sessed any contraband or smuggled goods which were dutiable. 
Finding none, the sentry allowed them to pass, and they drove 
rapidly on, through Deutz, crossing the Rhine over the famous 
bridge and stopped at a third rate hotel on some side street, or 
gasse, where ilo questions would be asked, and which was some- 
what out of the way; and not easy nor convenient of reach by 
the police and news reporters. Here the pseudo lord had al- 
ready engaged some rooms. 

He dismissed the jehu with a haiidful of silver thalers for 
his night's trick, and with the injunction not to reveal to anyone 
this night's doing. This cab driver was not, however, the fool 
ne looked to be. For he secretly made memoranda of the house 
number, and name of the street, where he had deposited his fair 
load. For he had, in mind, another possible fee which he might 
press out of his lordship, as hush money. Although he was 
ignorant of all the facts, yet he surmised that there was some- 
thing crooked going on, and that there might be a police inquiry. 

Having dismissed the driver, John Atkins and Rebecca en- 
tered their suite of rooms and made themselves comfortable. 
After brushing up their attire, which had become somewhat ruf- 
fled, they adjourned to the dining hall to satisfv the demands of 



40 REBECCA AT THE WELL. 

nature, and did justice to a substantial breakfast, as their ad- 
venture and the long drive in the night air had made them very 
hungrv. This bogus lord had, however, taken the precaution 
to register as plain John Turbin and wife, so as to delude in- 
quisitive people, and deceive the law sleuths, who might be hunt- 
ing for him, on account of some of his many misdoings, while 
posing as Lord Aisley. 

He was, in fact, a cold-blooded, incorrigible scoundrel, and 
did not mean to do right by the trusting girl, who had become 
infatuated with his title, his splendid castles in the air, his fine 
physique, 'and elegant bearing. He did not intend to make het 
his lawful wife, though he had some love for her. He simply 
desired a female companion ; a domestic partner, who might, also, 
in time of need, pull the chestnuts out of the fire. Hence, im- 
mediately after breakfast, he went in search of two conspirators, 
one to represent the registrar of marriages, who woifld not hesi- 
tate, for a small sum of money, to issue a bogus license, and the 
other to act as a bogus priest, who would apparently perform the 
marriage service. 

Having accomplished this errand, John Atkins hastened back 
to the hotel to prepare Rebecca for the coming of his two com- 
panions. He explained to Rebecca, in a plausible manner, that 
it would be best to assume some plain name, in order that they 
might avoid having trouble with her rejected suitor; also to pre- 
vent her father from finding them, in case he should pursue them. 

Again, he argued, it would be more romantic, for this newly 
wedded pair to travel incognito, as, in this way, they would avoid 
a staring and inquisitive public ; and incidentally they might also 
save a great many dollars, which, otherwise, he would be com- 
pelled to spend, as a lord, but which did not really add to their 
comfort. 

The young wife readily assented to this, for she had been 
brought up amid frugality and economy. So, they were, on that 
day, apparently made man and wife, in their rooms, by the bogus 
registrar and priest. 

Rebecca felt safe and happy, having married, as she thought, 
the man of her choice ; and under such adventurous circum- 
stances. They lived thus for a couple of weeks, when he became 
dissatisfied. He was, naturally, of a restless disposition; and 
then, too, he thought it best not to remain long in one place, lest 
it might result in his being discovered and apprehended for his 
many deeds of crookedness. 

So thev shook the dust of the town from their feet. Not, 



REBECCA AT THE WELL. 41 

however, before our bogus lord had forged a check for a thousand 
pounds sterling on the Bank of England, having cleverly forged 
the names of both the cashier and also of Lord Aisley to the 
same. By his suave and polished manners, he had further suc- 
ceeded in inducing a Cologne merchant to advance him half of 
the apparent value of the check, by indorsing the same and de- 
livering it to him to be collected in due course of transit. Having 
thus enriched his exchequer in exchange for a worthless piece 
of paper, at the merchant's expense ; and deeming it rather un- 
safe to tarry longer in that town, our bogus lord, with his matri- 
monial partner, departed to that antiquated town of Antwerp, 
noted for its many curios, as well as for the best assortment of 
original paintings by the great masters of the age. For this 
bogus lord possessed considerable artistic taste, the pursuit of 
which brought him into frequent trouble, as it costs money to 
indulge in such a taste ; his stipend from home had been cut ofif, 
and he was too lazy, or, as he would term it, too gentlemanly to 
work. Hence, he was forced to raise money by dishonest means, 
which, as every one understands, leads to frequent trouble. Ac- 
cording to the old saying, that "the pitcher which goes too often 
to the well will be broken at last," also "the way of the trans- 
gressor is hard." Arriving in Antwerp, John Atkins decided to 
settle down, and had no trouble in securing employment in one 
of the many studios in that city. His main object in doing this 
was to hide his identity. Thus a year passed, until one morning, 
while in the public library, he saw his own picture ; also that of 
his country bride, in the Cologne Gazette ; giving the full police 
record of his career, his many forgeries and escapades ; his kid- 
naping of a country yokel's bride; his journey to Cologne, and 
his final forgery of Lord Aisley's checks on the Bank of England ; 
also, the name of the Cologne merchant who had been induced 
to advance one-half. of the par value of said checks. The Ga- 
zette also told of his flight for parts unknown ; and of the large 
reward offered by the government for his capture. 

My lord's face rather blanched at this bit of newspaper in- 
formation. He saw, at once, that the game was up, and that the 
world at large had discovered, at least a part of his evil doings, 
and that the sleuth hounds of the law were diligently seeking his 
whereabouts, anxious to make his acquaintance, whether he would 
or not. He, however, had no idea of being captured, aiid being 
a criminal by instinct, he was nothing daunted by these develop- 
ments, but at once set to thinking of some plan to escape the 
wrath to come. Finallv. he determined that it was no loneer 



42 REBECCA AT THE WELL. 

safe for him to remain on the continent, and, to wipe out all 
traces of his whereabouts, he resolved to go to America, there 
to make a new start in life; honest, if it could easily be done; 
dishonest, if compelled by necessity to do so, to obtain the means 
of living. He immediately began to put his plans into execu- 
tion, by repairing to his domicile and unfolding to her his new 
scheme, saying nothing, however, of the newspaper article he had 
just read, nor of his wrong doings. For, indeed, Rebecca still 
believed she had married a lord in disguise. He explained his 
change of programme by saying that there was little chance for 
any advancement in art or fame in that dull town of Antwerp ; 
that his one aim 'in life was to win fame for himself; that he 
had no desire to rely on the title of nobility he might inherit at 
his father's death ; nor on the income of his vast estates. He 
would gain wealth and fame by his own exertions ; that the new 
world would offer him, a man of ability and prestige, golden 
opportunities for a;dvancement. He dwelt particularly on the vast 
natural resources of this new country, with its many gold mines 
and other mines of precious stones and metals, until his portrayal 
had fairly entranced the romantic imagination of his obedient 
wife, who had thus far been amply supplied with the luxuries of 
life ; and whose husband had always been of an indulgent char- 
acter. Hence, she did not hesitate to go with him and to do his 
bidding. Having persuaded her thus far to accede to his wishes, 
he went farther and urged her to assume male attire ; at least on 
the voyage. He pretended that such a garb would tend to make 
her more comfortable on board the ship, as well as prevent any 
newsmongers heralding abroad their departure for America. 

Rebecca, having never seen the ocean, nor an ocean steamer, 
and knowing nothing of what was required for an ocean trip, 
readily consented to her supposed husband's advice, and donned 
male attire as soon as he had procured it for her. In the mean- 
time he had also disguised himself by shaving off his mustache, 
and also by putting on colored goggles. These preparations had 
consumed the entire day, and it was now dusk. They quietly 
left the house, hailed a cab, and slipped off unmolested, taking 
the night express for Dover, where dozens' of ocean steamers were 
lying at anchor. 



REBECCA AT THE WELL. 43 

~ CHAPTER VII. 
The Departure. 

Rebecca and her supposed husband arrived at Dover just at 
the dawn of morning. Atkins immediately engaged first cabin 
passage on the great ocean steamer Henry the Eighth, which was 
just preparing to leave, my lord's pocket book being still replete 
with ducats, of which he had fleeced the confiding Cologne mer- 
chant. As he had often traveled on the sea, he knew just what 
was necessary for the voyage. Hastily buying the necessary 
nicknacks, he and Rebecca took a cab which brought them to 
the wharf just in time, as the sailors were about removing the 
gang plank. A surging crowd, with their baggage, were hurry- 
ing, helter-skelter, to get on board, amid the shrill commands of 
the captain, on the forward deck, shouting through his speaking 
tube, and the vociferous orders of the boatswain and mates to 
haul up sails, tackle, rigging, anchors, etc. ; interlarded with the 
rhythmical sound of the jolly sailors' cries of "heave a'hoie," etc. ; 
while the steam whistles shrieked their adieus to terra firma, and 
the huge propelling wheels were set in motion by the engineer, 
thus shaking from side to side, the great ocean greyhound ; while 
the pilot, on top of the vessel, with his hand firmly on the wheel, 
guided t-his vast sea monster out of the harbor. The passengers 
stood at railings of the quarter deck, shouting and waving with 
their handkerchiefs, as they bid farewell to their friends on the 
wharf, while those on shore shouted, in return, "bon vovage," 
and a happy "au revoir." 

While these events were transpiring my lord, now plain John 
Turbin, and his wife de facto were settling down in their quarters 
in the cabin. He breathed more freely now, having eluded all 
police spies, and being once more a free man. Although he was 
a daredevil, yet he had for some time felt quite uneasy at the 
prospect of being deprived of his liberty. Besides, "conscience 
makes cowards of us all." So, when the harbor was cleared, 
cind the ship was gliding, like a swan, into the open sea, our 
bogus lord filled his pocket with Havanas and went, with his 
wife, to the upper deck to view the various beautiful coast scenes 
they were passing. 

Rebecca had now become somewhat accustomed to her male 



44 REBECCA AT THE WELL. 

attire and ncvv'surrouiulings. In iact she had the appearance of 
a handsome young- man. She enjoyed the passing scenes very 
much, as thev flitted by, plain John Turbin explaining them to 
her, as he knew every spot thereof. 

By dusk, the ship had almost passed beyond sight of the 
shore, and was fast approaching the open sea ; and the great orb 
of day was apparently sinking below the horizon into the sea, 
looking like a great fiery ball, coloring the surrounding sky and 
ocean a deep crimson hue. In fact, an ocean sunset is well worth 
seeing, as it is far grander than when witnessed on land. All 
the passengers now retired to the saloon, where a most appetiz- 
ing supper awaited them. For all the world knows that the 
cuisine of a ship is far superior to most hotels on land. After 
supper the men retired to the smoking room to play a social 
game, which was led by the captain, who was a very genial man, 
as well as an able seaman. The ladies adjourned to the ladies' 
parlor to make each other's acquaintance, revealing to one an- 
other their several histories, and their heart's uppermost wishes. 
For, on a sea voyage the gathering becomes democratic and 
haughty dames lay aside their stiffness and freely mingle with 
lady travelers who may have been less favored in fortune, edu- 
cation or beauty. And it is a singular fact that women find a 
relief in pouring out their hearts' secrets to one another; or in 
turning over a savory bit of scandal of the past ; or in hatching 
up one for the future. Finally, all retired for the night and 
slept, while the ship rolled on its passage over the waters.. 

From day to day, with very little variation, the same routine 
of amusement would go on. Being summer, the sea was calm 
and placid as Siloam's pool, while the ship glided over the water 
like a bird. Fortunately, Rebecca experienced no seasickness 
whatever. To her wonderment she often saw an army of por- 
poises in the ocean, executing maneuvres, not unlike a regiment 
of soldiers. And, now and then, a flock of sea gulls would poise 
themselves on the masts of the ship. However, she had little en- 
joyment, aside from beholding nature's wonders. For, being 
dressed in male attire, she could not very well associate much 
with the lady passengers ; nor with the men as in the latter case 
she would have aroused my lord's jealousy. Although he was 
not careful to observe the same etiquette towards her, being very 
seldom in her company, spending most of the time gambling with 
the men ; and, when not so engaged, would assiduously pay at- 
tention to some lady passenger. In fact, he seemed to be fascin- 
ated with one lady in particular, and was often found in her 



REBECCA AT THE WELL. 45 

company. Though Rebecca chided him for this, in secret, yet 
she could not openly express her disapproval lest her identity 
be revealed. So Turbin continued to pay attention to this lady 
in spite of his wife's disapproval and scornful remarks, which 
he seemed to rather enjoy. This lady was an English widow 
of attractive appearance and fascinating manners. Seeing Re- 
becca and my lord often together, this widow had occasionally 
cast admiring glances at Rebecca, in her stunning male attire, 
and finally succeeded in making her acquaintance. While my 
lord's head seemed to . be completely turned by the charming 
widow she failed to appreciate his advances, seeming to prefer 
the manly bearing and appearance of Rebecca, who hugely en- 
joyed this "comedy of, errors," as the widow was so persistent 
in her ardor. By this time the ship had almost reached its desti- 
nation in America, to the great delight of Rebecca, who longed 
for the close of this sea romance, as, on their arrival at the sea 
port, each party would go to a different part of the countrv and 
probably never meet again. 



46 REBECCA AT THE WELL. 

CHAPTER VIII. 

Arrival in the PiROmised Land. 

It was about daybreak when land was sighted, and soon the 
hills and fortifications of Sandy Hook appeared, where Uncle 
Sam, with a few batteries, was on the lookout for foreign 
enemies. Presently a cutter hove in sight, and hailed the ship, 
which now slackened its speed to take on board the custom house 
officers, who had come to ascertain whether there were any goods 
on board on which Uncle Sam had a claim for importation. They 
confiscated some jewels and goods that some of the passengers 
had concealed, in order to smuggle these articles in, free of 
charge. My lord and Rebecca, however, had nothing taxable and 
so were not molested. The ship again hoVe to, until it reached 
cjuarantine, where it was again halted to allow the doctors to ex- 
amine the passengers and ascertain if there was any smallpox 
or other contagious diseases among them. To the left of the 
ship could be seen Staten Island, with its long, irregular strips 
of sandy mounds; and trees coyered with green foliage; kiter- 
spersed with meadows and plots of cultivated fields. While to 
the right lay Long Island with its fair burden, the city of 
Brooklyn. Still further on up the bay appeared the spires and 
smokestacks of the city of New York, having thousands of ocean 
steamers, sailing vessels and other small crafts anchored at the 
wharf. 

After the doctors had satisfied themselves thai; on board were 
no contagious diseases they departed and the ship passed on up 
to its wharf at New York city. Rebecca and my lord, now 
plain Turbin, found themselves amid the democratic surround- 
ings of the United States, where lords and dukes are, so to say, 
played out, possessing no higher rank than any other citizen. As 
they proceeded, with their valises, to the shore, a lot of free-born 
citizens and small urchins jostled them about, asking them where 
they were going, and crying, "Mister, let me carry your bag," 
and "Here's the best hotel in the world, at knock down prices," 
and "Shine, mister ; shine, a dime." The travelers finally suc- 
ceeded in passing the crowd and found a quiet boarding place, 
paying a week's board in advance, as is the custom with strangers. 



REBECCA AT THE WELL. 47 

They then retired to their rooms, and doffed their disguises. Re- 
becca again assuming her own garb as a woman. 

John Turbin's first business was to go out and Iduv. new out- 
fits for both Rebecca and himself, so that they might lose their 
outlandish appearance, at least, so far as dress was concerned. 
Having done this, they repaired to the dining room and par- 
took of a good, hearty Yankee meal, as the sea air had given 
them an excellent appetite, which fact all tourists have experi- ' 
enced. Any person, after being on the ocean for several weeks, 
inhaling the ozone of the sea, will find that his appetite has in- 
creased, at least, fifty per cent; and they can consume a much 
larger quantity of food than at other times. 

Of course, these newcomers, being somewhat green, as we 
Americans sometimes sarcastically term those persons who have 
lately arrived on our shores, were very much dissatisfied at first. 
Neither the manners, dress nor meals of the American royal 
citizens were to their liking ; and they found fault with their sur- 
roundings, longing, as it were, for the flesh pots and sauer kraut 
of their own country. But, in course of time, these incongruities, 
these gratings between the old mode of living and the new one, 
became less pronounced. It is so with man in any new position. 
As soon as he has fitted himself to his harness, and become used 
to his new environments, he will g"lide along more easily, and 
become satisfied, if not happy, with the new conditions of his 
life. So, with this couple, they, by and by, ceased their fault- 
finding with things new and the Yankee way of conducting af- 
fairs and became reconciled to his swagger, his push and rush 
for the mighty dollar. In fact, these neophytes commenced to 
believe there was method in this Yankee madness. 

On the other hand. Brother Jonathan had a good deal of 
fun at the expense of these crude European mortals. Particu- 
larly when he saw them eating with one hand at the table, while 
the Teuton maid deemed it rather vulgar to eat with two hands. 
Thus time passed on with this curiously assorted couple. So long 
as the money, of which he had defrauded that confiding Cologne 
merchant lasted, they lived well, having all that was necessary for 
comfort. They lived, according to the old saying, "Like God 
in France." But, in time, this bubble of happiness exploded, and 
the incongruity of their ill-mated characters made- its spectre-like 
appearance — as "the skeleton in the closet" — otherwise known as 
incompatibility, or by many other aliases, which bids love to dis- 
appear through the window, when dissipation and poverty stalk 
in through the door. It is ever thus, all over the world, wher- 



48 REBECCA AT THE WELL. 

ever are found ill-mated couples; where blind love — may we not 
more truthfully say, blind passion — has been their guidf. And 
the old adage, that "love is blind" is only too true with nine- 
tenths of the young people, who, in a harum-scarum way, choose 
their life partners, without having first ascertained if they had 
any mutual fitness for each other. However, I use too strong 
a term when I say "life partners." For, in these modern and 
degenerate days, the multitude of divorce courts, in many cases, 
cut the Gordian knot asunder, very soon. Often, ere the honey- 
moon has scarcely passed. And these agents of the law have 
a hearty contempt for the old-time injunction — "What God hath 
joined together let not man put asunder." Hence, blind love has 
little to recommend itself as a factor of happiness, but is more 
generally the precursor of misery. The goddess of love would 
have a happier and more powerful sway if it would content itself 
to be guided by the understanding. In other words, if young 
people would not immediately coagulate, when under the delusive 
and romantic spell of apparently blind love, but would first con- 
sult their understanding; also call into their confidence their 
elders, whose experience might profit them, at least to bear more 
easily life's burdens to a successful goal. Love must be mutual, 
not one-sided; it must be whole-souled and self-sacrificing, not 
of the selfish, milk-and-water sort; to make it a thing of beauty, 
which will last forever, and over which the angels in heaven will 
rejoice. In the case of Rebecca and our pseudo lord, there was 
no congeniality whatever. She, being young, unsophisticated and 
impulsive, had conceived a romantic love for the handsome stran- 
ger, before ascertaining who he was. He, on the other hand, 
being a man of the world, and unscrupulous, had simply taken 
her away from home as a pastime; also as a sort of triumph of 
his superior powers to charm her from his rural rival for her 
hand. Thus they had continued to live together as a sort of mu- 
tual convenience; their tastes and habits having, in course of 
time, become somewhat assimilated. The bond of union would, 
however, have been more cemented, had she born him children. 
They lived along in this way until his capital had dwindled down 
to a few dollars, as he loved idleness and was not inclined to 
work. In addition, he had acquired the evil habit of gambling, 
at first spending only an hour or so every day in tliat industry, 
simply for pastime; but it gradually grew to a habit, and he be- 
gan to play for gain. For this plague is similar to the morphine 
habit, which lures its victim on till he has no longer power to 
resist, and finally draws hifn into the maelstrom of destruction. 



REBECCA AT THE WELL. 49 

CHAPTER IX. 
Clouds are Coming. 

The evil day had now come, and Rebecca and her husband 
(known in the house as Mr. and Mrs. Turbin), were continually 
having disagreements and wrangles. At such times Turbin 
would become very boisterous. He resented her remonstrances 
concerning his evil ways, especially gambling and idle- 
ness, and turned a deaf ear to her pleadings for him to work 
and make an honest living. Although being treated cruelly, she 
still clung to the idol of her first love. Finally, as they were 
almost reduced to want, she resolved to make her own living. 
The compulsory education she had received in Germany had 
made her quite proficient in penmanship, besides having a natural 
talent in that direction. She also possessed a fair knowledge of 
arithmetic, sufficient for ordinary bookkeeping, which knowledge 
she had increased and developed during the idle hours of her 
married life. Therefore, she was fully competent to fill the 
position of bookkeeper, copyist or shipping clerk in any mer- 
chant's store, or in some manufacturing establishment. But the 
question of sex was against her. Being a womanly, comely per- 
son, she hesitated to venture in female garb, lest she should at- 
tract the attention of some of her male employers, who might 
make it disagreeable for her by their attention. This would be 
an . extreme annoyance for her, for she was a good and true 
woman, determined to be true to her marriage vows. She feared, 
too, she might arouse her husband's jealousy, as he was con- 
siderably under the sway of this green monster. So, she finally 
determined to again don male attire, some of which she pos- 
sessed as reHcs of her sea voyage. She unfolded to her husband 
her scheme, to which he readily consented. For he was a shift- 
less, idle person, to whom the burden of supporting a wife had 
become very onerous. Hence, he hailed with secret delight his 
wife's resolves to earn a living for herself and possibly also do 
something for him. And the idea that she would assume male 
attire suited him "to a T," as she thus would not be subjected 
to the leers and seductive smiles of wanton male companions. 
Their first step towards the accomplishment of the new scheme 
was to move into a new neighborhood, where thev were not 



50 REBECCA AT THE WELK 

known. This they did, and introduced themselves as nephew 
and uncle, Turbin assuming the role of uncle, while Rebecca was 
supposed to be the nephew. 

As soon as they were settled in their new quarters, Rebecca 
began to look for work. After canvassing for several days 
among the manufacturing and mercantile establishments, she suc- 
ceeded in obtaining employment, as a sort of cashier and shipping 
clerk, with Schwartz & Co., a German firm doing a large manu- 
facturing business, and who wished to secure a German book- 
keeper. Here, she received a fair salary, which left her a bonus 
every week above her necessary expenses for living. This surplus 
amount she always, without a murmur, handed over to her lord 
and master. Now, time rolled along without a ripple of domestic 
discord. True, they would occasionally banter each other, or 
sometimes have a sudden burst of passion, but the sky would 
soon be clear again with sunshine on the domestic hearth. For 
Rebecca had learned the lesson of endurance and patience, which 
carries us safely over a rough and troubled sea ; successfully 
through the breakers of life's stormy ocean. As months passed 
into years the habit of gambling fastened its talons more firmly 
on the erstwhile lord, so that he ceased entirely to listen to his 
wife's frequent admonitions to avoid the precipice to which he 
was every day approaching more near. Though he occasionally 
did a little work as collector for an English firm, yet he w^ould 
spend most of his salary in these dens of gambling. Some people 
may call sterility in a household a curse or misfortune, yet in this 
case the fact that they had no children seemed to be a blessing 
in disguise, deserving gf emulation by thousands of families who, 
in these days, like the animal W&rld beneath them, flood the coun- 
try with offspring which they are incapable of properly nursing, 
educating or even adequately clothing. So that, figuratively 
speaking, these thousands of embryos are thrown onto the world 
as seed sown on stony ground, may sprout up; but when the heat 
of summer or the cold blasts of winter strike it, it immediately 
withers, because it lacks sufficient substrata or bearing soil be- 
neath. Is it then any wonder that children, growing up without 
training, amid environments of poverty, filth and crime, end dis- 
astrously ; adding to the number of decrepit human beings, physic- 
ally, mentally and morally? 

So the "fact that Rebecca was childless was a blessing, as 
she lacked time and means to properly rear a child. So to speak, 
she knew that she was in the right church but in the wrong pew. 
Yet, this very blessing was a sort of stumbling block between the 



REBECCA AT THE WELL. 51 

twain, often causing unpleasantness, as the instinctive animal 
nature of the man wished to see himself perpetuated, no matter 
at what sacrifice. And he was too short-sighted and selfish to 
understand the natural consequences of his misdeeds. In addi- 
tion to gambling he had now also acquired the habit of taking 
intoxicating drinks, frequenting tippling houses, which are the 
pests and bane of society. Thus, he would often come home at 
night, or be brought home, i-n the wee small hours of morning, 
by his drinking companions, literally "too full for utterance." So 
things went on, gradually excluding all sunshine from Rebecca's 
home. Had it not been for her fortitude, she would, long ere 
this, have succumbed under these onerous burdens of her life. 

One night her lord and master came home under the in- 
fluence of liquor, which in itself was nothing new to her, as she 
had become used to that. But on this night he looked so be- 
wildered and anxious that she became frightened ; fearing that 
something dreadful had happened, she asked : 

"John, dear, what s the matter? Something has happened?" 

At first, he denied that anything was wrong. But Rebecca, 
like all good women, was anxious to share her husband's trou- 
bles, and insisted on knowing the cause of his uneasiness. So, 
finally, he told her that he had embezzled five hundred dollars 
of his employer's money, and lost it in gambling. And that as 
soon as it became known to the firm he would be arrested, tried . 
and sent to the penitentiary. This was indeed an unexpected 
blow to Rebecca. What should she do in such an emergency 
was the question of the hour. 

After the first bitter feeling had calmed down they both be- 
gan to devise some means to avoid this impending catastrophe. 
He knew that she had control over several thousand dollars in 
cash and checks belonging to her employer for which she pos- 
sibly need not account for a month or so, when the books were 
settled up. He urged her to let him have the money. Or, if 
she could not readily get the cash, to get a check of sufficient 
amount to cover his deficiency. And, that in a few days, he 
might make it good and no one would be the wiser. He pictured 
to her, in glowing terms, the probable nay the almost certain 
success he would have before the month expired; how he was 
going to make a run on the faro bank, and more than win the 
money back; as he had often before been lucky, when in similar 
straits. 

Rebecca hesitated to comply with his demands. He, becom- 
ing more passionate in his pleading, born of desperation, threat- 



52 REBECCA AT THE WELL. 

encd to kill himself if she did not help him out, by covering his 
defalcation. And he certainly would kill himself rather than go 
to the penitentiary. Woman like, she yielded, and the next day 
brought him a check for $500, which had been sent to her em- 
plovers bv an eastern firm as payment for goods delivered, but 
which she would not be Called upon to account for until the end 
of the month. To enable Turbin to draw the money on this 
check, Rebecca forged her employer's name by indorsing the 
check, as she was familiar with his handwriting and had often 
done so with his permission. 



REBECCA AT THE WELL. 53 

CHAPTER X. 
The Trial. 

But alas ! How most of our calculations miscarry. So in 
this case, before Turbin presented the check to the bank, he in- 
dorsed it as John Brown. For, he wanted to hide himself under 
an alias. When the bank cashier inquired of him if he was John 
Brown, he answered in the affirmative. But the cashier's scru- 
tinizing eyes seemed to have discovered some tremor in his voice, 
or perturbed expression of his face, and therefore doubted him ; 
at once examining the ledger, "in which the name of the payee, 
viz. : Mr. Schwartz, had been written by himself for identifica- 
tion, when checks should be presented in his name. The experi- 
enced and skillful eye of this cashier at once discovered that the 
signature of Schwartz was forged. For it is rarely possible for 
any one to so perfectly imitate the handwriting of another, that 
the scrutinizing eye of an expert can not detect it. As even the 
individual handwriting of a person will change with time and 
altered conditions of the health or mind. Hence, Rebecca, 
though being a pretty good penman, yet was not expert enough 
to completely imitate her employer's hand. Besides, she had not 
seen, nor did she know of the entry of his name in the bank's 
register, which had been done long before she" entered his employ. 
Thus, her imitation was executed in a clumsy manner. The 
cashier told Turbin to be seated until the money was ready. The 
cashier, while pretending to get the money, touched the electric 
bell button at the side of the counter, which connected with police 
headquarters. And while Turbin, Alias Brown, was uncon- 
cernedly waiting for the money, believing all was well, the tally- 
ho of the police department, commonly known b}^ the euphonious 
liame of "Black Maria," with two policemen aboard, was speed- 
ing towards the bank. Arrived there, the police entered the bank 
through the rear. The cashier explained to them the condition 
of things. They then sauntered leisurely into the corridor of the 
bank, where the delinquent lord sat, and, tapping him on the 
shoulder, said : "The captain wants to see you." 

Turbin was thunderstruck. Fie not only failed to get any 
money, but was now a prisoner. He remonstrated, with his most 
suave manner, that "there must be some mistake." But the police 



54 REBECCA A.T THE WELL. 

were imperturbable, and almost seized bim by tbe collar. For, 
tliese bluecoats, witb brass buttons, have not mucb civility, or 
mercy eitber, in their anatomy. They are there to act, not to 
reason. And plain Turbin rose, as there was no use to resist 
two able-bodied policemen, having clubs and revolvers. He ac- 
companied them to the station, with a very crestfallen air, indeed. 
Now. here was the place for explanations. He was con- 
fronted with the charge of forgery. What should this conscience- 
troubled evil doer say? What do most criminals say when ar- 
rested and in the sweat box of the chief of police, and are under 
the fire of searching cross-questioning, which rakes ' up all the 
crookedness of their lives? W'hy, nine-tenths Of the prisoners, 
if they are guilty, convict themselves by their own admissions, 
bv their contradictory statements. When, otherwise, the police 
department would not be able to convict them. Thus, my lord, 
now plain Turbin, abas John Brown, by the confusion of his 
statements, and his anxiety to escape, was cur enough to impli- 
cate his wife by putting the guilt on her. However, he did not 
divulge her identity as his wife, masquerading in man's attire. 
He simply said that his nephew had forged the check. So, in 
short, order, Rebecca was brought to headquarters in her mascu- 
line garb, and, when confronted with the check, and her hus- 
band's admission, readily admitted that she had done so, assum- 
ing all the blame, hoping thereby to set him free; all the while 
preserving the secret of her . sex. But, the flint-hearted police 
chief would not have it that way. If punished at all, he wanted 
them both punished. Being familiar with the law, he saw that 
Turbin was guilty at least of passing a forged check, knowing it 
to be forged. The chief also possessed sufficient insight into 
human nature, and also had enough experience to know that in 
most cases the older men are greater criminals than the young, 
who have less experience and are generally the tools of their 
elder brethren in crime. Or have been persuaded, through sym- 
, pathy, to execute the wishes of others. Any how, 'tis man who 
often treats unmercifully and sometimes inhumanly his brother 
man ; just as woman is ever the first to condemn one of her own 
sex. And a feeling of sympathy is only awakened when it is one 
of the opposite sex who is in trouble. 

In a few days the twain were indicted by the grand jury 
and brought to trial in the court of oyer and terminer. Turbin 
had two charges against him, viz. : passing a forged check and 
for embezzling his employer's money. Rebecca, for forging her 
employer's name to a bank check. Rebecca still kept a stiff 



REBECCA AT THE WELL. 55 

upper lip and pleaded "not guilty," the same as her husband did, 
still keeping her sex concealed, believing his assurances that by 
so doing both would yet be freed. She was also resolved that, 
if the worst should come, she would rather suffer in the garb of 
a man. Then, too., she feared, should her sex be discovered, her 
whole history would also be laid bare to the public eye, through 
the lynx-eyed officers of the law, or by some enterprising re- 
porter. In this way, she might add disgrace and sorrow to her 
old parents in Germany. 

Both having pleaded not guilty, the trial proceeded. As they 
had no means, an attorney was appointed by the court to repre- 
sent them and to conduct their trial. However, as the evidence 
was clear and convincing, the eloquence -and shrewdness of their 
lawyer could not save them. And the jury, at the conclusion of 
the trial and the giving of instructions by the judge, retired for 
consultation. At the end of one and a half hours, the jury re- 
turned a verdict of guilty, assessing Rebecca's punishment the 
minimum limit fixed by law, two years in the penitentiarv. But 
they put it rather heavy on her husband, giving him ten years in 
the penitentiary. , 

At the announcement of the verdict she, forgetting her own 
disgrace and punishment, with tears in her eyes, and with a 
heavy heart, whispered some words of comfort and hope in his 
ear. However, he bore stolidly and apparently unconcernedly, 
the verdict of the heavy penalty, as he sat staring wildly about 
the court room. 

A few days thereafter the judge sentenced them, in accord- 
ance with the verdict, to the penitentiary, where they were to be 
sent the following day to serve their sentence. They were im- 
prisorid in different cells, and the following morning, as the guard 
passed Turbin's cell, he found Turbin, alias Brown, hanging 
from the bars of the cell. Rushing in, he quickly cut him down, 
but found, however, that life was extinct. Indeed, the examin- 
ing physician said he had been dead several hours. However, 
this news was not communicated to his wife de facto, the pseudo 
Turbin number two. And the next morning a court bailiff took 
her to the penitentiary, where she successfully donned her male 
prison garb without anybody having discovered her sex. The 
following day she was inducted into the shoe factory of the peni- 
tentiary and put at a last machine to cut out shoe soles. In a 
few days she knew, quite well, how to handle the work, and in 
the course of a few weeks became a model workman. Even in 
her convict's attire she appeared neater than her fellow-workmen. 



56 REBECCA AT THE WELL. 

However, a great sorrow seemed to weigh her down, as she did 
not hold communion with Jier fellow-prisoners. For, she had 
learned of her husband's fate, which news had nearly upset her 
equilibrium. However, woman seems to have a greater power 
of endurance, has more largely developed hope and clings to life 
more tenaciously than man does. 

So Rebecca managed to bear this burden, having quietly re- 
solved, in her mind, that when her time of imprisonment expired, 
which would be in a year and a half, as half a year would be 
allowed for good behavior, she would, at the first opportunity, 
write to her folks in. Germany that she was coming back. 
Pictures of the romance of her life would occasionally float 
through her mind, while engaged at her work. Occasionally 
there would loom up the picture of Props, her whilom lover, 
whom she had uncerimoniously discarded. However, the mental 
picture of Props seemed to her still to smile upon her. And 
sometimes, in her reverie, she would think whether it was not all 
a dream, only to be rudely awakened by the hammering and noise 
of the machinery of the shop, in which she was at work. 



REBECCA AT THE WELL. 57 

CHAPTER XL 
A Wife's Heroism. 

But, lo and behold ! Her star of deliverance was nearer than 
she expected, and came across the horizon all unknown to her. 
Even its appearance frightened her at first. It happened as fol- 
lows : During the day, Rebecca had always been on her guard 
to conceal her identity, but at night in her cell, she had become 
careless. The night guard had become somewhat curious, if not 
suspicious of Rebecca. He had made it his study to compare 
the difference between the configuration of men and women. He 
knew that men had larger shoulder blades than women ; that he 
was usually less developed at the hips, and that his feet were 
larger than those of women. So it seemed rather strange to him 
that this prisoner, Turbin, possessed all the three qualities com- 
bined usually found in women, viz. : small, round shoulders, and 
well devel6ped hips, and feet fitting a five or six size shoe. Be- 
sides, no signs of a beard, though this prisoner seemed to be of 
an age when there should be hirsute development. Hence, he 
resolved to watch his prisoner, when he retired at night. Thus, 
while Rebecca thought herself unobserved in her cell, this lynx- 
eyed officer was peering from an unobserved corner through the 
bars of the cell. The result satisfied the guard that his suspicions 
were well founded, and he reported the matter to his superior 
officer. 

The next morning the warden called Rebecca — as John Tur- 
bin, prisoner No. 5 — before him, much to her surprise. After 
being ushered into the warden s Office, that official bluntly asked 
her to tell him if she was not a woman. The suddenness of the 
question and the source from which it came rather staggered Re- 
becca. Her mind seemed dazed, but after the confusion had 
given way to trepidation, she acknowledged, with shame and 
blushes, that he was correct. However, the warden wanted to 
be certain about the matter, so he referred Rebecca to a lady 
physician, whom he summoned for the purpose. After receiv- 
ing the physician's report as to the sex of Rebecca, the warden 
kindly furnished Rebecca with suitable garments and sent her 
with a guard back to the court from which she had been sen- 
tenced. This was necessary, as only male prisoners were con- 



58 REBECCA AT THE WELL. 

fined to the place where Rebecca had been sent, the female pris- 
oners being sent to another institution in another ])art of the state. 

After a day's travel Rebecca and her guard arrived at the 
countv seat, from which Rebecca had been sent. The matter 
was at once presented to the court, which was in session. As 
she had been tried as a man, the court could not now legally 
sentence her as a woman. Hence, a new trial was ordered. But, 
in the meantime, the court instructed the prosecuting attorney 
to inquire more closely into the matter to ascertain the circum- 
stances of Rebecca's wrong-doing-. When it became known that 
she had been almost forced, at least morally, to commit the act 
complained of, and that, as the wife of Turbin, she had done it 
mostly as a sacrifice of love, the judge felt lenient, if not sympa- 
thetic, towards the prisoner. He also felt admiration for the 
nobility of her character, under such adverse circumstances, and, 
as the majesty of the law had already been satisfied, in that one 
had not only paid the penalty of the law, but had ended his 
wretched existence, the judge suggested that the prosecuting at- 
torney enter a nolle prosequi, which was done and Rebecca was 
again made a free woman, with no stain on her character. After 
she had been liberated the judge invited her into his private office, 
as he had become much interested in her. He inquired into the 
details of her early history. And now, for the first time in her 
life, she felt impelled to tell him her whole history, from her 
childhood up. During the conversation the judge made her feel 
at home and she, therefore, threw off all reserve, seeing that she 
was talking to a gentleman, who took a fatherly interest in her. 
The judge listened patiently, nay, sometimes with animation, to 
every detail of her story, sometimes prompting her, here and 
there. When she had completed the recital, the judge's eyes 
seemed to be somewhat moist from the effect of her tale of suf- 
ferings and ups and downs in life. He finally inquired as to her 
plans for the future, and her place of abode. She frankly told 
him that she had no settled plans for the future, and that she 
had no home nor means. The judge then offered her the posi- 
tion of housekeeper in his household, which she gladly accepted. 
The judge had been a widower for ten years and had only one 
child, a daughter of eighteen years of age, who lived with her 
father in a palatial suburban residence, which was conducted by 
servants. The judge was a man already beyond sixty years of 
age, yet still in good health and spirits. 

Having established herself in her new home, Rebecca be- 
came the favorite of the family, as well as of 'the immediate 



REBECCA AT THE WELL. 59 

neighbors, who were on visiting terms with the family of the 
judge. She kept the entire house spotlessly clean, from kitchen 
to garret, and every room in perfect order. And, being an ex- 
pert cook, the daily menu was as variable and spicy as was pos- 
sible to make it. Indeed, under her regime, the judge acquired 
a better appetite than he had ever known. The judge also let 
her direct ad libitum. That is to say, he gave her carte blanche 
to redecorate and refurnish the house, as to the upholstery, 
tapestry, frescoing and furniture of the house. So that, in a few 
weeks, by means of her artistic taste, the interior of the home 
had a new appearance. For the judge, since the death of his 
wife, had somewhat neglected his home. The energy and taste 
of Rebecca seemed to infuse new life into the entire family. 
Thus weeks, months ajid years passed on. 

About two years after the entrance of Rebecca into the 
family of the judge, the latter began to have troubles of his own. 
Eleanor, his daughter, was now about twenty years of age. She 
had been highly educated in all the branches required of a woman 
moving in a high social circle. But withal had also become 
haughty and willful ; one of the usual results of parents pamper- 
ing their children too much. The judge had always gratified her 
every wish, never dreaming that when she became adult she- 
would refuse to obey his wishes. Being of a marriageable age, 
she had already made her debut into society. The judge was 
anxious that she should marry some one of note in the profes- 
sional or mercantile world. The young lady already had the 
scalps of a dozen young bloods on her belt, who were ready to 
take her for better or worse, in conjunction with the judge's 
shekels. While she seemed to be infatuated with a young man 
of good family, who had become a spendthrift, and also the vic- 
tim of most vices, which idle, dissipated young men are heir to. 
The judge frowned upon the attention paid by this young man 
to his daughter, knowing full well what disastrous consequences 
such a union would bring to his daughter. 

The young lady, however, was unshakable and stubborn. 
And the more she was entreated not to associate with the young 
man in question, so much the more, and with greater gusto, she 
would persist in doing so. Finally, the judge resorted to extreme 
measures by forbidding the young man to enter his house, while 
the daughter was virtually made a prisoner in her father's house. 

But this constrained condition of afifairs did not last long. 
As the old adage that "Love laughs at locksmiths" again proved 
true in this case. For, one night, under the cover of darkness 



60 REBECCA AT THE WELL. 

the young lady and her lover eloped. This was a hard blow 
inflicted upon the aged jurist, more especially as it came from 
his only child, on whom he had built his hopes that she would 
be the one to close his eyes when going to his last sleep. 

Thus matters remained in statu quo. Nothing more was 
heard from the daughter, except that friends said "that they were 
married." As the daughter was of age the judge could do noth- 
ing, but he felt in no way estranged from her, and the ardor of 
his love for her remained the same. He saw, however, that she 
had .no filial affection for him — at least, pro tempore — while un- 
der the mad spell of infatuation for her lover, which passion, in 
most cases, overrides all other emotions and considerations. 
Hence, the judge reasoned, why should he live lonely and isolated 
from domestic enjoyment, when his own offspring had ceased to 
illume the old fireside. He had always entertained a sympathetic 
feeling for Rebecca, his housekeeper, w^hich in course of time, as 
he realized her sterling worth, had been strengthened into ad- 
miration. As, in addition to her good qualities as a housekeeper, 
she had become refined in manner and spoke tolerably good Eng- 
lish, considering that she came to America when an adult, though 
she had not yet completely mastered the American lingo. For 
instance, when in conversation with a neighbor, the latter re- 
marked that she had just taken a tramp in the woods, Rebecca's 
idea of the etiquette of sex becoming aroused, she replied, "You 
better be careful what company you keep." 

But, so far as she was concerned, her heart- had softened 
into a kindly feeling towards the kind old judge, who was the 
only one that had treated her with any consideration and degree 
of honor since her childhood days. Conditions thus being mu- 
tually favorable, the judge proposed that they get married. So 
as to make both their paths more smooth in the future, and also 
that he might have a companion at his fireside, when the dread 
angel of death should" come to guide him over the river Styx, 
to wipe the pallid brow and to whisper hope to the departing 
soul, that they would again meet on the other shore. 

Rebecca, on the other hand, being now of a matronly age, 
and having some real affection for the old man, which feeling 
had possibly been winnowed into a flame by the kindness of the 
judge, after considering the proposition for a time and having no 
other entanglements, accepted his offer of marriage. So, in 
due time, the- banns of marriage between the aged jurist and his 
housekeeper, who was some twenty-five years his junior, were 
announced. And in less than a month thereafter they were made 



REBECCA AT THE WELL. fil 

made man and wife. x\fter which the judge retired from public 
Hfe to enjoy his few remaining years as much as possible in quiet- 
ness and peace. Though this union was rather one of de con- 
venience, at a period where the smouldering embers of passion 
liad cooled off, yet their enjoyment of life was complete, and 
more enduring- than that of younger years. Thus they lived for 
about six years, without anything- remarkable happening-. 

The daughter, having, in course of time, found out the error 
of her ways, sought to make amends for her filial ingratitude. 
And thus she became reconciled with her aeed father. 



62 



REBECCA AT THE WELT. 




The Introduction. 



REBECCA AT THE WELL. 63 

CHAPTER XII. 
My Sweetheart of the Well. 

Fate, the hand-maiden of Providence, here took an unex- 
pected turn in the affairs of this famil}^, just as it invariablv does 
in most of our lives, when we are unconcernedly engrossed with 
the cares and the few crumbs of pleasure of this mundane sphere. 
However, I do not mean to imply that we are ever unharnessed 
from the bridle and halter of fate. Nay, we are' his abject 
slaves, from the cradle to the grave. But sometimes, the halter 
is drawn more taut and we come abruptly to a halt, thus making 
an epoch in our lives by which our course is directed into a dif- _ 
ferent channel from that which we had hitherto pursued. 

So here, in the midst of their enjoyment of a full family 
reunion the IMaster knocked at the judge's door by means of an 
illness. Being an old man. nearly worn out, his sickness was of 
short duration, when he paid nature's dues with death. 

I would like to say he was transferred to another scene of 
action. Why not ? Shall this be all ? These few hours of alter- 
nate trials and enjoyment ; of rain and sunshine on this sublunar 
sphere ? Is the flame of life then extinguished forever, or does 
it shine on another plane, or in another form? Who knows? 
Is there no compensation, nor perpetuity for man, though every- 
thing else in nature survives and perpetuates itself in one shape 
or another. Then, let us hope that Rebecca's late husband, who 
had led a useful life, having been an upright judge, a noble, self- 
sacrificing, cultured citizen, was simply translated to another 
sphere of usefulness by the Creator of the universe, but the loca- 
tion of which he has not deemed wise to reveal. Perhaps the 
mind of this man, which had been so highly cultured, was, after 
its deliverance from its earthly vesture, transported to a higher 
plane of action in the cycle of progress and perfection. 

However, his kin folks did not very much concern them- 
selves about that. Thev were more interested in the material 
things he had left to them. The judge, while in sound health, 
had made a will by which, after leaving a few bequests to char- 
itable purposes, his vast estate was to be equally divided between 
his wife and his only daughter. 

When the estate was settled, Rebecca found herself to be a 



64 REBECCA AT THE WELL. 

rich widow, wliile still in the prime vigor of her life. Nothing 
eventful happened during the customary time allotted for wear- 
ing widow's weeds, except that certain old bachelors and widow- 
ers of the neighborhood had become much interested in the charm- 
ing and rich widow. 

Now, let us return once more to Germany, the old home of 
the now rich widow, who was the erstwhile romping, romance- 
loving country girl. She had, from time to time, written to her 
folks and informed them of her whereabouts. But the attrac- 
tions of the new world had so absorbed her that she had become 
rather callous concerning affairs at her former home. But now 
that she was ag'ain fancy free and having no marital relations, 
and in addition independent in worldly goods, with a nice home 
and a large bank account, her memory would revert back to her 
childhood days and home. 

True, the scene shifter had also been there. The old folks 
had long been at rest in the village cemetery of their parish 
church. Her sister, who had married Props, when in a state of 
pique, had also died. She had married in haste, as many do, to 
repent, at leisure, for. she and Props had never suited each other. 
Though there had been no violent eruptions in their married life, 
yet it had not been one of the highest enjoyment. After the 
death of his wife, Props remained on the old homestead, culti- 
vating the farm, and still cherishing in his heart, to to speak, 
the dream of his first love at the well. 

When, lo and behold ! He received a letter from his first 
love. From this letter he learned that she was also again free 
of marital ties and now a well-to-do widow. The letter was 
couched in affectionate terms, and invited him to visit her in the 
new country. After reading the letter it did not take Props 
long to find out that he was still in love with the girl of his 
youth, who then had eloped with a rival. And now, as there 
was still hope that he might realize the dream of his youth, as 
well as of middle age, he resolved to make the trip across the 
Atlantic to see his sweetheart of the well. 

So he rented his farm, bid adieu to his friends and neighbors, 
packed his grip, and started for the new world. In due time, 
he arrived at the home of Rebecca. Having been previously 
notified by telegraph that he was on his way, Rebecca had pre- 
pared her home for his reception, as well as added several new 
costumes to her wardrobe. Although she had arrived at middle 
age. she was still a magnificent specimen of womanhood. And 
a casual observer would have judged her to be no more than 



REBECCA AT THE WELL. 



65 



thirty years of age. She had always enjoyed good health hence 
possessed a healthy, florid complexion and a well rounded form 
In addition to these charms had been added the refinement gained 
by culture, not necessarily the result of collegiate or book learn- 
ing acquired in early life. But it may be that culture which many 
a man and woman acquire in after life, through contact with 
cultivated people. So it was with Rebecca, who, though not hav- 
ing received much intellectual training at home as a child yet 
she had been trained in after, life in the college of the world. And 
this kind of education is worth infinitely more than the theoret- 
ical schooling received 'from books. 

It is hardly necessary to relate the sequel of the meeting- of 
these two old-time friends. The slumbering embers of their 
early love was fanned again into a flame. Shortly thereafter 
Rebecca stood once more under the branch of the mistletoe to 
sail again on the matrimonial sea. Her shipmate this time be'ino- 
her first lover, whom, in a moment of rashness, she had dis*^- 
carded for a rival 



Here Props stopped, gasping for breath, as the long narra- 
tion of the adventures of himself and wife had nearly exhausted 
him. I poured out another glass of champagne. Durino- his 
discourse we had done away with several bottles. "^ 

For, my dear reader, I must confess tq you, with a mental 
reservation, however, that during the telling of the storv— I had 
bribed the waiter to bring us a little wine, instead of the choco- 
ate, which we had been drinking at the beginning; but only for 
the stomach s sake, you know— and— and— well, also to keep up 
the spirits of Props, the raconteur. Touching glasses, I said: 

Here, old boy, I wish you happiness and long life But 
where is your wife now?" 

Just "then I saw descending the broad staircase from the 
balcony of the hotel, a lady of middle age, in elegant attire. Props 
rose, as she approached, saying: 

"Allow me to introduce you to mv wife : my sweetheart of 
the well. 



hesDames cox and box 

.... OR .... 

SOWING AND REAPING 

A Romantic Jeu D'esprit in Three Winks. 

(AN AL-FRESCO STUDY OF THE SOUL'S IDIOSYN- 

CRACIES.) ■ 



INTRODUCTION. 



The principal lady of this tale is, in more respects than one, 
a paragon of her sex with all the charms that nature could be- 
stow on her ; en-bon-point and vivacious ; in the prime of her 
youth ; full of over-bubbling animal spirits ; a bon-vivant with 
lots of idle time ; and surrounded by cong-enial environments. No 
wonder, then, that a sentimental creature of her order should feel 
at times salacious and exuberant, and shie her caster into the 
ring of the old Harry, in order to make a conquest. And here 
the tempter came in the shape of a neighbor and a friend of the 
family. You could not expect her to say to him at once, "Get 
thee behind me, Satan — Begone." First, she must dally a little 
with the gay imp of the forbidden land, before she comes to her 
senses. Here, we find the gay Lothario having written a letter 
to his inamorata to have a tryst at a certain hour, when the hus- 
band' is conveniently absent. But, as fate will have it, this tell- 
tale epistle accidentally falls into the hands of the wronged hus- 
band; and he immediately apprises the wife of the gay Lothario, 
and they agree to be also at the trysting place of the lovers, in- 
cognito. However, the lady, who set the wheels of this romance 
agoing, becomes conscience-stricken, and repents in time; be- 
fore executing the thoughts of a wayward imagination. And 
she also informs the wronged wife of her husband's pecadillos. 
And thus they agree — (shall I say conspire?) to let the comedy 
go on, in order to humble the recreant husband. 



68 MESDAMES COX AND BOX. 

J 

The wronged wife now tightly veils herself, and simulates 
the inamorata of her husband. 

Thus, we are witnessing the spectacle of a husband making 
love to his own wife, in the belief that he is browsing in for- 
bidden pastures. 



MORAL: 

I. Those who overcome evil temptations shall wear the 
crown. 

II. As we sow, so shall we reap. 



MESDAMES COX AND BOX. 



69 




The Two Detectives. 



70 MESDAMES COX AND BOX. 

CHAPTER 1. 
Two Amateur Detectives Scent a Tryst. 

Mesdames Cox and Box, living in Chicago, euphoniously 
known as PorkopoHs, were married ladies, and, so far as I 
wot, are still in that condition, unless a Chicago divorce court 
has reduced them to their original properties, at least in name. 

But parbleu ! By way of digression, with what lightning 
speed the poor unfortunates, amid the cliffs and shallows of mar- 
ried life, may procure divorces in Chicago! It has, so to say, 
become the mecca of the weary wayfarer on the matrimonial 
route. I have seen, as almost daily occurrence, petitions — or bills 
in chancery — filed in court at lo a. m., referred immediately to 
the master in chancery, who, proforma, and in perfunctory way, 
took some evidence, on which he recommended a divorce. And, 
by 2 o'clock p. m., on the same day, the court, being fully ad- 
vised in the premises, .granted a decree of divorce. Two hours 
later, behold the erstwhile grumbling and discontented pair of 
the morning, who had so unceremoniously kicked asunder the 
matrimonial harness, suddenly become transmuted into gay but- 
terflies, again worshiping at Cupid's shrine ; she, the happy, coy 
and blushing, bride of some new candidate for matrimony ; and 
he, brushed up and polished anew, saying sweet nothings to his 
lately acquired inamorata, while waiting for the minister to once 
more tie the knot, which a few hours previous, seemed so onerous. 
So that by 6 p. m. we find two happy pairs at the depot, pre- 
pared for their wedding trip, and buoyant with hope, at least 
for the time being-, for new matrimonial bliss. And each one of 
us feels like saying, "God bless them. 'Bon-voyage.' " 

But, alas ! How soon will the veil of prospective happiness 
be torn to shreds by the cruel facts of every-day life. Still, hope 
ever lights up the darkness, and we, like gnats, keep on dancing 
around this ignis fatuus of life, till our wings of hope are de- 
stroyed : nay, even till our pulses cease tO' beat. 

I said that I had witnessed this rapid method of disposing 
of the matrimonial question. I might make it more emphatic by 
adding that I was, at one time, one of the wheels in the legal 
machinery, giving quick accommodation to those desiring to dis- 
card the old love, and celebrate the new one. 



MESDAMES COX AND BOX. 71 

But, let us return to our Chicago friends, Mesdames Cox 
and Box. Permit me, gentle reader, to say to you, who may 
reside in Europe or some other distant place, and may consider 
Chicago not sufficiently important' to locate, that this town is 
an ^ inland city of known quality, quantity and capabilities ; 
it is situated on the northern shore of Lake Michigan, in the 
State of Illinois, U. S. A. Thus you see that, topograpli- 
ically, it lies in the middle of the northern part of the United 
States. But to be candid, aerographically speaking, this town, 
or city, lies farther from heaven than any other city I know of! 
excepting Paris. For we all admit that Paris is in the vanguard 
of all that is bad as well as good. 

There are certainly many good resident people in Chicago. 
But Mon Dieu! the tout ensemble has the appearance of Paris 
licentiousness, without its fin de siecle polish, particularly on ac- 
count of its great bulk of promiscuous floating foreign popula- 
tion. The air is full of rush and push for the mighty dollar, and 
the devil catch the hindmost. There is also a tincture of the 
western bravado, which the good people of Chicago call pluck 
and energy. 

We hope that some Moses will rise in his might, in the near 
future, and arouse to activity the dry bones of its good citizens 
to expurgate the prevailing evils of the day within its gates, and 
eliminate the dominant sins, born of too much liberty — and license, 
by which also other American cities- are infested. 

However, ad rem, as the Philistines of the law say. 

Such being the abiding place of Mesdames Cox and Box, 
their tribulations may easily be accounted for. Of course they 
lived in flats. Moreover, these ladies occupied adjoining flats, 
and each had a bay window, which commanded a view of Lake 
Michigan. Their aristocratic quarters were surrounded by the 
homes of many rich pork packers and parvenues, who gained 
their wealth by gambling in the wheat market, or operating the 
financial mart of the West. 

In appearance, these two ladies were of opposing types of 
beauty, Mrs. Cox being rather slim and petite in stature; her 
form and features cast in nature's most perfect mold ; her auburn 
hair always done up in the most simple and tasteful coiffure. 
She was of a decidedly spiritual nature, and possessed of a pious 
disposition; her heart and work lay in the line of charity and 
church work, and the rearing of her family in the fear of God. 
Aiming to make model citizens of her sons, and of her daughters, 



72 MESDAMES COX AND BOX. 

jewels for the hearthstone in the household of prospective hus- 
bands. In short, she was a modern Madonna. 

Mrs. Box was, physically considered, a nymph of classic 
mold ; with bust, arms, limbs, shoulders and head symmetrically 
developed ; a foot and ankle enticing to behold ; the type of which 
poets have written volumes, and love-sick swains have raved, 
and sculptors have done up in marble. All topped off with a well 
poised head, surmounted with Titian locks, which in the dark- 
ness might have easily been used as an illuminator of fifty candle 
power, to light up the way for her escort. She was blessed with 
one of those hirsute attachments, which occasionally sparkle with 
electricity and fire, particularly when you happened to stroke the 
fur the wrong way — in fact this appendage was like a small 
edition of Vesuvius emitting fiery bolts of thunder and lightning, 
when its owner v\^as excited. Mrs. Box was a woman of moods ; 
changing from the frolicsome to the mischievous or to the furious 
When in the last state, her dark eyes would flash in conjunction 
with her hair. For the eyes, being the windows of the soul, have 
a language of their own, more expressive than w^ords. In her 
moments of calmness, the ordinary observer would never have 
detected, or imagined the slumbering volcanoes in the rear of this 
lady's visual organs. Really, in moments of leisure and ennui, 
those eyes might be mistaken for limpid fountains of Platonic 
love and sympathy. But turn the lever of the screw of passion 
a little taut, and behold those same limpid fountains would sud- 
denly burst from their placid state and develop to the boiling 
point. Therefore, I say to the young man, who worships at the 
shrine of the possessor of such materials of war — nolle me tangere 
— or, as they say in law, caveat emptor. 

Mrs. Box had been, fortunately, reared amid environments, 
which had a tendency to make her a good woman, generally 
speaking. For we are all, more or less, creatures of environ- 
ments. Particularly the young, whose character is just form- 
ing, and in a plastic state. In most cases, those who are good 
Christians, moral citizens, and endowed with an ordinary share 
of this world's goods, it is principally due to our training and 
lessons at home, as children, as well as to the surroundings 
among which we lived, which have been our tutors, either for 
good or bad. Of course, from our parents and other ancestors 
we also inheriterl physical and mental attributes, which indicate 
and shaped our characters. And a sound healthy body, gener- 
ally insures a well balanced mind. For the body is the fulcrum 
on' which the mind is built and through whose medium -it acts. 



MESDAMES COX AND BOX. 73 

Thus the various differences in sizes and quaHty in body, give 
also, corresponding- differences in traits of character and diver- 
sity of moral and intellectual power. 

So, Mrs. Box had been particularly fortunate in these re- 
spects, having been reared by careful and painstaking parents. 
Yet; when she became a young lady, and had made her debut 
into society, throwing off, somewhat, the restraints of her par- 
ental home, the influence of the gay world around her had made 
her somewhat free and easy as to her associations ; with a grow- 
ing hankering for theaters, balls, banquets, etc., and the society 
of gay companions. Hence, her latent innate and slumbering 
character, which, heretofore, had been held in subjection, now 
came to the surface. At the time we now see her, although a 
married woman, she still loved an occasional flirtation with some 
one, other than her husband. Then, too, her husband was a 
mild sort of a man, who cared little for the hollow mockery of 
society, or the illusions of amusements, much less for the enjoy- 
ments of dissipations of any sort, taking more pleasure in the 
-quiet comforts of home, and the duties imposed upon him by his 
vocation. What added more fuel to the fire of their matrimonial 
differences was the fact that he, being a railroad conductor of a 
passenger train to the eastern cities, his duties called him away 
from home most of the time. With the exception of a day off 
now and then, Mrs.' Box was thus alone most of the time, free 
to indulge her pronounced tendencies for amusement. Having 
very little at home to occupy her mind, and being of such a 
vivacious disposition, she felt a void in her heart which she 
sought to fill. For, remember, gentle reader, idleness is a mis- 
chief-maker. Better be employed in some sensible, if not lucra- 
tive, vocation, than be subject to the vagaries of idleness. 

Thus, Mrs. Box, having plenty of time to kill, sought for 
a gay time, and there is always a man in the case when a woman 
seeks for amusements. Opportunities are abundant, as there are 
many gay male deceivers, who are blessed with more money than 
brains, anxious and willing to spend their leisure time in frivol- 
ous amusements or dissipation, with a married woman, whose 
husband is away from home, pursuing his avocation ; and oppor- 
tunity is the thief of time. 

At this particular time, on New Year's Eve, we find Mes- 
dames Cox and Box arrayed in their best, the hue and shape of 
which differed as widely as did their characters. Both were re- 
ceiving friends who might call, as is the custom on this day, the 
world over. It is a happy practice, too, for friends to thus meet 



74 MESDAMES COX AND BOX. 

and offer congratulations for the blessings of the old year, also 
to express the hope that the coming year may bring added hap- 
piness and prosperity. For, at this season of the year, hope and 
good wishes seem to run rampant and unbridled. There is no 
fine imposed on the thoughtless for the reckless building of air 
castles at this time; there is even no lesson learned by them from 
the tombs of the old year just past, containing the shrouds of 
the broken idols of hope and unfulfilled promises. Still, our 
hearts hope and hope again. And suppose our hopes and good 
wishes were all realized! Who can say that it had been for our 
good? For we mortals, the wisest of us, don't always know 
what we want, nor what is for the best. Let us be content to let 
Divine Providence guide our star of destiny, whether in humble 
lanes, or on the road of fame, power and fortune. Often the 
Master's chastening rod of disaster, or misfortune is really a 
blessing in disguise. It was about six o'clock p. m. on this New 
Year's eve when Mr. Cox entered the parlor of his home. Not 
seeing his wife, who had stepped out of the room for a minute, 
he seated himself, prepared for a good smoke. He, like his 
neighbor, Mr. Box, was engaged in the railroad business. He 
was, however, a man of the world, and opposite in disposition 
in every way, to his wife, and failed to see or appreciate the 
gentleness and purity of her character. Without going into de- 
tails, we might say he was very similar to Mrs. Box. He loved 
fun. and if need be, to obtain it, he was not too scrupulous to 
have a tete-a-tete with another man's wife. Living so near Mrs. 
Box, he had often met her, in a social way, and been fascinated 
by the brilliant conversation, the witticisms, repartee and gay 
laughter of the Diana-like Mrs. Box. The magnetism of her 
sparkling eyes had, in reality, made him a slave at her feet, if 
he had only dared to confess it to himself. Another case where, 
as it were, opportunity makes thieves. 

Mr. Cox was soon puffing the smoke of his cigar into the 
ai.r, in spasmodic, jerky whiffs, which indicated that the smoker 
was in a sort of nervous and choleric state, strangely in contrast 
to his beautiful surroundings ; and of a man possessed of a model 
wife, whose virtue, like that of Caesar's wife, was beyond re- 
proach. These people could afford to live rather luxuriously, 
for Mr. Cox enjoyed a good salary, besides enjoying consider- 
able patrimony, inherited both by himself and his wife. This 
enabled them not only to afford every comfort, but also brought 
them in touch with some of the best society people. 

Their parlors were richly furnished with tapestry, carpets, 



MESDAMES COX AND BOX. 75 

bric-a-brac, and portieres of the clioicest kind, though of a sub- 
dued style, in accord-with the good taste of the lady of the house. 

Anyone, looking on, would have thought surely that such a 
man was contented and happy, but he was not. He was a gay 
deceiver, his predominant quality being a weakness for the 
charms of the gentle sex. 

How different from his neighbor, Mr. Box, who was a 
trustful home body, believing implfcitly in the virtues of his wife, 
which faith, the latter, it must be acknowledged, did not deserve, 
and often abused. 

Thus, we find as is often the case, two mis-mated couples 
living adjoining each other. They had possibly married in haste 
and were now repenting at leisure. The world is full of people 
who marry without consulting each other's tastes, temper, inclina- 
tions, habits and prior surroundings. The consequence is that 
we hear, in almost every breeze, the jargon and wail of- matri- 
monial troubles. Very seldom do persons of opposite character 
and tendency live together Hke proverbial turtle doves. They 
are not likely to pool their issues, but more apt to pull in oppo- 
site directions at the matrimonial tether. A house thus divided 
can not stand, but must fall. A happy marriage is most likely 
to occur on the homeopathic principle of like cures like, when 
the chief ingredients in the characters of the contracting parties 
are of a similar nature. Stretching himself on the sofa, Mr. 
Cox soliloquized : 

'T wonder what my mission in life is, anyhow? I breathe, 
eat, drink, sleep, smoke, and go on regular trips as a conductor 
of the Illinois Central Railroad and that is all. The railroad 
company thinks that I'm simply a marionette, dancing as they 
fiddle. The public expects that, with my life, I must guard their 
safe conduct, and nine men in ten expect that I should dead- 
head them on the road. While the ladies on the cars take it 
for granted that I am to handle their parcels, babies, etceteras, 
carefully, and to chaperon them safely to their places of destina- 
tion. At home I have no pleasure; My wife is rather too tame 
for me; there is no affinity between us; she is too much of a 
church mouse to suit my fancy. If I had a buxom wife, like 
my next door neighbor, Mr. Box, I think I would then be happy. 
She is vivacious, en bon point and sprightly. She enjovs a good 
meal, an occasional toddy, a joke, the theater, the ball, and all 
that makes up the sum of happiness." 

_A sudden thought here crossed the mind of Mr. Cox, and 
he involuntarily sprang from his reclining position and stood 



7G MESDAMES COX AND BOX. 

before the mirror, admiring, with evident self-satisfaction his ap- 
pearance, which, it mnst be confessed, was of a handsome nature. 
^Enough so to engage the attention of frivolous women. "Yes, 
yes," he continued, "I may }et possess her. But I'll know more 
after tonight's interview, as we are going to have a Platonic 
tete-a-tete, while her husband is far away on his railroad trip 
across the Illinois prairie." 

While he was thus ruminating in the paradise of forbidden 
fields, who should enter but Mrs. Cox, carrying a tray contain- 
ing a tea-set, cakes, etc. As he spied her, he remarked aside to 
himself : 

"Here comes my wife. Mum is the word." He then turned 
to her saying: 

"Hello, wifey, are you coming with the tea? Are we going 
to have callers this New Year's eve?" 

"Yes, dear," replied his wife, "you know that Mrs. Box and 
I, being neighbors, arranged to receive together today." Mrs. 
Cox here pointed to the window, where hung a card, inscribed, 
"At Home." A wistful spiile crossed her face, as she continued : 

"Don't you see our invitation to our friends, that we are 
at home to receive them?" 

Mr. Cox answered, in a sarcastic tone : "So you hung up 
the sign of distress." Mrs. Cox only laughed at this sally, and 
said : 

"No, dear, that is a sign of happiness. On this day we 
ought to be thankful to the Lord that he has preserved our lives 
thus far." 

Mr. Cox wheeled around, rather disgustedly, murmuring, 
aside : 

"There it is, again ; the everlasting church idea. 'Tis a posi- 
tive annoyance ; this too much piousness." 

Ivlrs. Cox approached him, laid her hand, in an afifectionate 
manner, on his shoulder, saying: 

"There is only one thing which will mar the pleasure of this 
day. That is that you'll be absent on your train, and therefore 
unable to add to our pleasure." Mrs. Cox then sat down and 
began some needle work, while her husband took another cigar, 
and, while lighting it, remarked : 

"Now, my dear, don't mind that." Then, to himself, "I'll 
have a nest hiding of my own.'' 

Again addressing his wife : "Never mind me. Enjoy your- 
self. I'll shortly be off again on my train, and as the train travels 



MESDAMES COX AND BOX. 77 

at the rate of fifty miles an hour, time passes quickly. The rapid 
motion of the train exhilarates our pulses and nerves." 

He paused a moment, then adds, laughingly: "But, Mrs. 
Cox, while I'm away, don't receive too many callers. It might 
affect your nerves and prostrate you tomorrow." 

His wife was rather astounded at this sudden and unex- 
pected concern as to her health on the part of her husband. 
However, she let it pass for what it was worth, merely replying : 
"O, dear, I presume there will not be many here. We expect 
only a few friends." 

Mr. Cox eyed the tea set sharply, while asking : ''But, I see 
you do not propose to treat our visitors to wine." This tantaliz- 
ing remark rather irritated the wife. For, as he well knew, she 
was a total abstainer. Her face flushed as she answered rather 
sharply, considering her otherwise mild disposition : "Now, Mr. 
Cox, you know I don't believe in tippling. It is against the 
rules of the church. Coffee, tea, and chocolate are the only bev- 
erages ^I indulge in, and they are the only drinks I shall give to 
others." With this, Mrs. Cox rose and left the room, intending 
to give directions for the preparation of luncheon. Mr. Cox 
continued to smoke as he murmured. "Well, lady, have your 
way." 

While this was going on in Mrs. Cox's house, similar pre-' 
parations were being made in the adjoining flat of Mr. and Mrs. 
Box. We find Mrs. Box just entering her parlor, with a trayi 
whereon are to be seen bottles of wine, glasses, also cake. With 
her is her husband, who has also on this day indulged in the 
favorite pastime of most gentlemen, viz. : smoking a good Havana 
cigar. Mrs. Box placed her tray on a table, and proceeded to 
arrange the room for the reception of visitors. At. the window 
is seen a card bearing the same invitation as that of the one in 
the window of Mrs. Cox, viz. : "At Home." 

Mr. Box seated himself, and remarked in a sort of quizzical 
way : "So I see, dear, you are going to serve wine to the boys." 

At this, to her, uncalled for impertinence, the wife's usual 
hot temper was roused in an instant, and she replied petulantly : 
"Of course, Mr. Box, what else could be expected on New Year's 
day? We don't live as though we. were in prison, or church, 
all the time. Some portion of our lives should be devoted to 
pleasure." This tirade did not seem to ruffle Mr Box in the 
least. Perhaps he expected it. He simplv answered in a dry 
and matter-of-fact tone : "So I see. So I see. Things are too 
tame for you. You desire some outlet for vour over-bubblincr 



78 MESDAMES COX AND BOX. - 

Spirits, and you commence with wine, eh? You don't beUeve, 
then, in the adage, 'Look not on the wine when it is red.' " 

Mrs. Box laughed heartily at this outburst of piety from 
her husband, and, in a tantilizing tone, answered : "Oh, some 
old fossil wrote that, and did not believe in it himself, nor prac- 
tice it, either, I am sure. Anyway, we live in an age of progress, 
where doctors have repeatedly demonstrated, and the world now- 
knows, that a little wine or liquor now and then, in moderation, 
is a blessing to mankind. Particularly, when the system re- 
quires a stimulant." 

To mollify his wife, Mr. Box acquiesced in the logic she ex- 
pressed, and said, "All right, Mrs. Box, I'll not begrudge you a 
little wine on this day, although I don't believe in it myself, and 
trust you will measure it out in moderation." 

This expression of magnanimity surprised Mrs. Box into 
saying: "Thank you, dear, you are very. kind. Suppose we go 
over to our neighbors, Mr. and Mrs. Cox, and bid them a Happy 
New Year." 

Mr. Box rose, saying: "Agreed! Let's go." 

A few minutes later finds them seated in the home of their 
neighbors. Both men were inveterate smokers, as most railroad 
men are, and their wives not objecting, being accustomed to it, 
Mr. Cox and his friend were soon puffing away at their cigars, 
while the ladies amused themselves in the usual way — talking. 
If there was one thing Mrs. Cox loved especially, it was flowers. 
She always managed to have her home decorated with plants of 
some sort, and this evening, although it Avas mid-winter, her par- 
lors were fragrant and beautiful with blooming flowers. Mrs. 
Cox was congratulating her neighbor on her splendid health, to 
which the rubicund Mrs. Box jocularly responded: 

"O, I always feel good. I'm none of your faint-hearted 
chickens." 

"That's very good, particularly on this happy New Year's 
day," replied Mrs. Cox. 

These words of Mrs. Box seemed to attract the attention of 
Mr. Cox, who joined in the conversation by saying: "Mrs. Box, 
allow me to congratulate you on your charming appearance. You 
look exceedingly well." 

At this bold sally, even Mrs. Box blushed, while a look of 
grave disapproval was seen in the face of Mrs. Cox. But Mr. 
Cox, unmindful of what a storm in a teapot he might be brew- 
ing, went still farther by rising and ofifering Mrs. Box some 
candy from a box on the table, saying, in a laconic and irritating 



MESDAMES COX AND BOX. 79 

tone, as he did so, "Let me treat you to some candy. My wife 
don't believe in such articles of diet." No wonder Mrs. Cox 
felt provoked, and she replied in a petulant tone: "Now, Mr. 
Cox, you are very provoking. I said I didn't believe in wine." 

Here, to change somewhat the strange situation, Mrs. Box 
took a piece of the offered sweet meats, with the remark: "There 
is all the difference betwen us. I believe in it in moderation." 

Mr. Cox here ignored his wife and turned to Mr. Box, and 
inquired : "Mrs. Box and I are of the same opinion. How is 
it with you, Mr. Box, as to the wine?" 

To which Mr. Box replied: "Well, I will have to side with 
your wife. Strong drink causes most of the crimes and misery 
in this world. The commencement of the drink habit may ap- 
pear innocent at first, even roseate, .but it is always one more, one 
more, till the victim is lost in the degradation of his own making, 
and then again the bad example it sets to others. We first abhor, 
but continually seeing the evil, after a time we endure the erst- 
while abhorrent sight, and seen too long, we finally embrace." 

Mr. Box here, abruptly stopped, looking shyly at his wife, 
for having dared to thus boldly deliver his diatribe against drink 
in opposition to the avowed opinion of his wife, while her face 
bore a look of disapproval, and her brows were contracted in a 
frown. When her husband ceased speaking, she looked at him 
steadily for a moment, then said : 

"Now, Mr. Box, no temperance sermons on this day of en- 
joyment." 

Mr. Cox espoused the cause of his fair neighbor, with whose 
personality he seemed already charmed, by saying : "I think, 
myself, Mr. Box, that you would have made a fine temperance 
orator, but, to change the subject, I suppose we will have to go 
on our usual run tonight, and leave our wives here to enjoy them- 
selves as best they can. How long are you usually absent?" 

Mr. Box, glad to drop the unpleasant subject of temperance, 
replied: "My trip generally takes me from home a week." 

"Well, then, I am two days ahead of you," replied his neigh- 
bor, for I run my train the three thousand miles in five days. 
At what hour do you leave here?" 

This last question put Mr. Box in mind of the time, and 
looking at his watch, he exclaimed : "By Josh ! How quickly 
time rolls around ! I'll have to leave in half an hour. 'Tis nearly 
five o'clock now." 

Mr. Cox took out his time-table, and on examining it, finds 
that his time is also nearly up. He replaced the card in his 



80 MESDAMES COX AND BOX. 

pocket, saving" : "You don't say so ! That late, already ! Then 
iTiy time is also up, for the schedule time for my train to pull 
out is ten minutes past five." 

He was so used to going" and coming in a hurry, that it did 
not take him many minutes to gather up his coat, hat and travel- 
ing bag", and he was off. 

His wife accompanied him to the door and kissed him good 
bve, as though loth to have him go, as, indeed, she was. 

The countenance of Mrs. Box had resumed its usual smiling", 
fascinating" expression. She seemed particularly favored with 
the power to change her facial expression with lightning rapidity, 
as the ever surging waves of her moods prompted her. Her eyes 
were riveted on Mr. Cox with a peculiar look of intentncss, as 
she bid him bon voyage. The look seemed to express, "We twain 
understand each other." They evidently had a secret between 
them, and knew how to preserve it. Perhaps a clandestine meet- 
ing. 

However that might be, it was not long after the departure 
of Mr. Cox when Mr. and Mrs. Box repaired to their own apart- 
ments, to prepare for Mr. Box's trip. 

While Mr. Box was making his preparations he remarked to 
his wife : "This Mrs, Cox is an excellent woman of steady, 
sterling moral qualities," to which his wife replied, while forcing 
a Philistine-like if not sardonic smile to her face: "I don't know 
• anything about her sterling moral qualities. That is a question 
of casuistry on which men, as well as women differ. But I guess 
she is a good enough woman, too good, for most men." 

To sound his wife's sentiment toward Mr. Cox, the husband 
replied: "Too good, I suppose, even for her husband?" 

Quickly she responded, forgetting that she might let the cat 
out of the bag: "I didn't say that. He is a brilliant man, of 
whom any woman ought to be proud." 

This last speech, as it were, put a flea into the ear of Mr. 
Box. While meditating on this unstinted praise of his neighbor 
bv iMrs. Box, it broug'ht to his recollection several instances of 
peculiar friendship between Mr. Cox and Mrs. Box. He remem- 
bered, also that each always voiced the sentiments of the other. 
He wondered to himself what it all meant, while replying in a 
perfunctory way to his wife : "So I see ; so I see. We all differ. 
We all differ." ' 

Mrs. Box now turned to leave the room, saying: "Of 
course, Mr. Box ; of course, but I'll now go up stairs and prepare 
your satchel, so that you'll be ready in time." 



MESDAMES COX AND BOX. 81 

With this she disappeared, leaving Mr. Box alone. Seeing 
that he had some time 3'et, he prepared for a smoke, while solilo- 
quizing : 

"Strange world this. We railroad men must always be on 
the go. Nothing would please me better than to remain at home 
this evening and receive our friends. Instead of which I must 
put on my harness of railroad service." 

Glancing in the mirror, he noticed that his collar looked 
rather soiled. "By Josh!" he exclaimed, "that collar looks rather 
untidy, and I don't see where my wife has put another. I cer- 
tainly cannot go on" the train wearing that ragged, dirty thing." 

He now doffed the collar and taking a bunch of keys from 
his pocket, began to open drawers and search for clean linen, 
muttering as he did so : "I do wonder whether my keys will fit 
these locks. I reckon my wife will object to my opening her 
private drawers, but I must have a clean collar, absolutely must 
have it imipediately, for it is almost time for me to start for the 
depot." 

After trying several keys, he finally got one to fit the locks,- 
and, man like, began to tumble things topsy turvy in search of 
the needed collar. He did not find a collar, but discovered a 
bunch of letters, which his wife' seemed to have carefully tied 
together, and just as carefully placed in a hidden corner, think- 
ing that her husband would never see them. But sometimes Fate 
otherwise decrees. Sometimes these tell-tales of a dubious life 
bob up unexpectedly, to confront the transgressor with his or her 
shortcomings. Possibly so decreed by an All-wise Providence, 
to punish the peccadillos of the evil doer. Just as in this case, 
Mr. Box innocently discovers this bunch of letters. He took 
them in his hand, examining the addresses, and, incidentally the 
handwriting of the sender. First a look of surprise crossed his 
face, then he shuddered, and exclaimed, "By Josh! my wife must 
have a large correspondence. Nearly a mail bag full of letters." 
Pauses, and then continues : "I guess I'll not look at them 
closely. No, I won't. 

While thus ruminating and looking undecidedly at those 
documents of mischief,,. his face blanched; and his pulse quick- 
ened ; his curiosity was thoroughly roused. Gentle reader, what 
would you have done under such circumstances ? Put yourself 
in his place. He stared at them again and again. Here was a 
tip, which would either reveal an honest woman, or a treacherous 
viper. Once more examining the addresses, and seeing they 
were all addressed to his wife, he exclaimed: "I supposed they 



82 MESDAMES COX AND BOX. 

were written by lady friends, bnt, by the elements above, I see 
they arc written by a masculine hand. What shall I do? I don't 
feel like opening them, and prying into my wife's correspond- 
ence, and should have no suspucion. My wife should, like Cae- 
sar's wife, be above suspicion. But, heart be still ! I can not 
suppress thy tumultuous beating. I'm meeting fact face to face. 
Well, I'll open the top one, as I see it has the post mark of 
yesterday. Still,! will not yet suspect my wife. Although let- 
ters are sometimes tell-tales." 

He now opened the letter, and perused it, while a look of 
horror, disgust and hatred crossed his face. After reading, he 
dashed it on the floor, exclaiming, "My God! It can not be that 
my wife is unfaithful!" 

After a pause, he added: "Am I living in a hornet's nest, 
with a she devil? Heart, be still, and give me time for reflec- 
tion." 

His bosom heaved ; his breath came heavy ; he trembled like 
an aspen leaf. Finally he again picked up the letter, and silently 
reread it, scratching his head, as if trying to make out its mean- 
ing. Then he spoke in broken tones : "No, it can not be ; there 
is some mistake." After a pause he continued: "Yet, it is ap- 
parently so; there it is in black and white." 

He then slowly read the following words aloud, as though 
to convince himself that he was not mistaken : "My dear Mrs. 
Box, longing to have the pleasure of your company, I will not 
leave on my usual trip tonight, but will accompany you to the 
ball, when we can consult further about our projected trip. 
Please wear the red shawl, so that I may know whether the coast 
is clear. Yours in haste." 

Mr. Box was now almost blinded with passion. His eyes 
became so dim that he could scarcely make out the signature. 
At last he continues : "Let me see ? Am I right ? C-o-x. — 
Yes, 'tis Cox, my next door neighbor." Again dropping the 
letter to the floor, he reeled, and would have fallen, had there not 
been a chair within reaching distance. This domestic storm 
which had overtaken him, was more than even he, with his 
strength of frame and nerve, could bear. For do we not all know 
that some mental troubles are more serious than bodily ills. 
After awhile, he forced himself to a semblance of calmness, al- 
though he felt a sense of permanent gloom and despair. 

He recalled that his time was up, and that duty called him 
to his regular vocation, unless he was prepared to die, then and 
there. But life is sweet. 'Tis the last thing a person ought to 



MESDAMES COX AND BOX. 83 

do — give up the struggle and go to that bourne from whence no 
traveler returns. While there is life there is hope. Perhaps, in 
time, he might learn to forget her, and the baseness with 
which she had treated him. At all events, he was the innocent 
victim. Thus he reasoned, and then murmured: "But, what's 
the use of killing myself ? False ! False ! Hypocrisy, thy name 
is woman! Still, I see from the letter, the game is still in in- 
cubation. I may nip it in the bud. So I'll keep the letter. Per- 
haps I shall seek revenge on that scoundrel, who is striving to 
destroy my home. This letter is proof, and it is very useful to 
have the evidence of guilt in one's possession." 

Mr. Box placed the letter in his pocket, replaced the package 
of letters, and resumed his search for a collar, which he finally 
.found. Then proceeded to prepare for his journey, giving vent 
to his emotions and thoughts by saying: 'T must assume the 
semblance of calmness, so that my wife may not suspect that I 
am onto, their track. Thus, I will gain time for further investi- 
gation. I had better see Mrs. Cox, who is in the same fix that 
I am. God bless her. She is a noble woman. I will consult 
with her. I'll probe this affair to the bottom. First seek to re- 
deem my wife, and avoid public scandal. If this is impossible, 
then there will be terrible vengeance measured out, at least to 
her seducer. For 'tis man who is most often the tempter. At 
least, he ought to be, and is strong enough to resist the wiles of 
a siren." 

By this time his toilet was completed and Mr. Box sat down 
to await the coming of his wife, who tripped gaily down the 
stairs, humming one of her favorite airs, and all unawares of 
what had occurred. She was, no doubt, contemplating, with 
pleasure, the tete-a-tete, and the good time she was going to have 
during the absence of her husband. 

"Here, dear," she said, "here is your uniform and satchel. It 
is about time for you to start." 

Mr. Box looked at her as though trying to read her thoughts, 
as he repHed, sardonically: "That so, Mrs. Box? My time has 
come. _ Every dog has his day— so I had mine." Then added in 
a quizical tone, and with an assumed smile : "Now, dear, I'll be 
gone for about a week. I suppose you'll be awful lonesome at 
times?" At which Mrs. Box replied, in an-off-hand manner, al- 
though she averted her eyes, for her conscience troubled 'her 

somewhat, that little monitor of which we can not get rid "Yes 

dear, terrible lonesome." 

Mr. Box continued : "Well, you'll at least have a lively time 



84 MESDAMES COX AND BOX. 

today and this evening, receiving our friends, though I am not 
here." 

A sinister smile, and a disparaging shrug of the shoulders 
were more expressive of the lady's feeling than her words were, 
as she replied: "Not at all, Mr. Box; not at all. You men are 
so jealous." 

You see, Mrs. Box was a considerable actress, and capable 
of masking her thoughts and feelings, beyond the discerning" abil- 
ity of most people. 

Mr. Box kept his temper admirably, for he now realized, 
fully, that he was dealing with a dissembler, who would not hesi- 
tate to add falsehood to falsehood, when it suited her purpose to 
do so. Therefore, he merely said : 

"And, all without cause, I presume?" 

"Certainly; certainly. How could it be otherwise," was the 
reply. And, as if to clinch the argument, she added : "You re- 
member Mrs. Cox is to assist me." Seeing that further parley 
with his faithless wife was useless, Mr. Box took his grip, bid 
his wife good bye, and, by way of irony, expressed the hope that 
she be good until his return. 

Believing that everything was going smoothly, as she wished, 
and designed, she had the supreme audacity to even go to the 
door with her husband, and to kiss him good bye. What a 
feminine Judas Iscariot ! After her husband's departure, Mrs. 
Box returned to her room, and while arranging it, soliloquized, as 
though trying to justify her action, and to smother a feeble con- 
science, still awake in her heart : "Husbands are so stubborn and 
perverse. At least, mine is. He is unwilling that I should en- 
joy any pleasure, whatever." She then proceeded to don and 
arrange a red shawl ; and spent a considerable time in preparing 
her toilet, that she might appear to the best advantage on the 
arrival of the expected visitor, all the while keeping up her mono- 
logue — murmuring to herself (while hanging up her husband's 
portrait above the mantel piece) : "Everything is lovely and the 
gander hangs high. These men are so very mulish. But still, 
I'll have my own way, even though I am compelled to take the 
bull by the horns. We live but once, and I intend to enjoy my- 
self while I can. There is that Mr. Cox, he is a man after my 
own heart, and he seems to have a kindred feeling towards me. 
Why did not fate guide me to him?" 

Fxho answered, "Why?" 

Continuing, Mrs. Box said : "We grew up together as chil- 
dren, though I did not then conceive a passion for him. Yet, 



MBSDAMES COX AND BOX. 85 

he seems to have, even then, silently admired me. But, now, 
when it is too late, I find that we are congenial spirits, and 
would have lived as happy together as turtle doves." 

She paused a moment as though in deep thought, then re- 
sumed: "But our paths may yet come together." 

Looking at her watch with a smile of satisfaction, she added : 
"He will be here in half an hour from now, and I must have on 
my red shawl as a sign of recognition and assurance that my 
husband has gone, and the coast is clear. The countersign, so, 
so to speak, as in times of war." 

Mrs. -Box now proceeded to bolt the partition door, leading 
to the apartments of Mrs. Cox, lest she and her paramour should 
be surprised. To make the privacy still more secure, she placed 
a piece of furniture against the door. Then she felt perfectly 
safe from any intrusion from that direction, and p'laced, herself 
at the window to watch for the arrival of her cavalier. 

While this was going on, an entirely different scene pre- 
sented itself in the home of Mrs. Cox, showing that, often under 
the same roof may dwell the white dove of purity as well as the 
dark shadow of depravity. 

While busily engaged in her needle work, Mrs. Cox mur- 
mured: "This Hfe of the wife of a railroad conductor is rather 
lonesome, as they are away from home most of the time. I 
would like to have my husband at home every dav. Maybe, in 
time, we'll be able to establish a business of our own, when I will 
be able to see and enjoy my husband's company all the time." 

In the midst of these reflections the bell rang. Mrs. Cox 
hastily rose, wondering who her visitor could be, and was as- 
tounded to see her neighbor, Mr. Box, enter, having his traveling 
bag in hand, and apparently ready for' his trip. Observing the 
serious expression on his face, rather alarmed her. After being 
seated, Mr. Box explained to her, as gently as possible, the cause 
of his visit. He unfolded to her, by degrees, the plot of their 
recreant spouses, being careful, at first, not to put the matter -in 
too serious a- form. Nevertheless the face of Mrs. Cox blanched, 
and she trembled with emotion as the skein of treachery was 
unraveled. At first she feared some accident had befallen her 
husband, and urged Mr. Box to relieve her anxiety, by saying: 
"Mr. Box, please let me know at once if anything has happened 
to my husband. Has he been injured?" 

"No, Mrs. Cox," rep'lied her neighbor, "there has been no 
train v/reck, and no one's life is in danger, that I am aware of, 
but the moral lives and reputation of four people are in peril." 



86 MESDAMES COX AND BOX. 

Motioning her to be quiet, he continued: "Tush! Tush! 
Mrs. Cox, I'U tell you. Be calm. This matter needs our de- 
liberate consideration. It concerns my wife and your husband." 

If a thunderbolt had struck Mrs. Cox it could not have been 
more effective, for, with a cry of despair, she fainted, and sank, 
motionless on the floor. 

Mr. Box was at no loss as to how to proceed in reviving 
Mrs. Cox, as he often had to deal with such cases on his train. 
With the help of water and cologne, he soon had his neighbor 
revived. She thanked him for his kindness, and when she be- 
came somewhat calmer, they began to soberly consider the serious 
situation. Mr. Box handed her the letter which he had found 
among his wife's possessions. She read it over and over again; 
her eyes bedimmed with tears. The contents so stunned her that 
she seemed unable to grasp its meaning. The blow was too se- 
vere. It had paralyzed her reasoning powers, as she had, here- 
tofore, had such supreme confidence in her husband's honor, and 
always believing that her ~ neighbor, Mrs. Cox, was a virtuous 
woman, no wonder it overcame her, setting her nerves on fire, 
as it were. To think that a suspicion should be attached to her 
husband's conduct ! Finally she inquired of Mr. Box how he 
proposed to dispose of this dilemma. 

Mr. Box, being a man of the world, had, in his time, met 
with many reverses, and had observed, as well as read in the 
daily papers of many similar escapades. Consequently, he had 
become somewhat hardened, and used to the peccadillos of the 
world. Still, no matter what we have observed, nor how much 
we philosophize over the misfortunes of others, when the blow 
is struck home at our own hearts and fireside, we forget all subtle 
modes of reasoning, and give way to grief or rage, just as 
others do. 

Mr. Box had had time to calm himself, and had matured his 
plans, which he now proceeded to unfold to Mrs. Cox: "Well, 
Mrs. Cox, I have a plan by which we may be able to discover 
and lay bare their guilt, and possibly save them. My plan is 
this : You know Mrs. Lauterbach, the old Dutch gardener's 
wife, who comes every day to bring us vegetables? Now could 
you transform yourself into a living semblance of that woman?" 
Mrs. Cox did not immediately catch the idea, but hoping 
against hope that some means might be found to avert the pend- 
ing danger to her domestic happiness, she answered, eagerly : **T 
think I could. I am almost sure- I have, in the garret a pair of 
wooden shoes, left there by a Dutch servant girl I used to have. 



MBSDAMES COX AND BOX. 8? 

She had just come from the old country, and brought them with 
her. The other make-up I can easily find among my thrown- 
aAvay clothes in the laundry." 

"Capital! Capital!" exclaimed her companion. "They will 
soon meet — my wife and your husband, as they expect to attend 
a ball tonight. Now, you go to the home of Mrs. Box, as the 
vegetable woman and you may thus detect them, while they re- 
main ignorant of your identity. You can, in that way satisfy 
yourself, and in case they will not be redeemed, you will have 
the evidence to obtain redress at law. In the meantime I will 
transform myself into a Dutch peddler of handkerchiefs, sus- 
penders, buttons and other knick-knacks." 

Even in her distress, Mrs. Cox could not repress a smile at 
the original idea of Mr. Box, and exclaimed : "Oh, yes, I know. 
That old Dutch Jew, who often comes here with notions. Let 
me see. What is his name?" 

"Isaac, we call him," replied Mr. Box. "Isaac for short. 
Now, to satisfy myself, I'll appear as Isaac, and offer rny 'stock 
in trade, and we'll discover the guilty pair. At a proper signal, 
we'll storm the castle, and lay bare the guilty when in flagrante 
delicto. In that way we are bound either to get back our erring 
spouses, or give them the butt end of the law." 

To which Mrs. Cox heartily consented, saying: "I hope so, 
Mr. Box, for it would be my death to lose my husband." 

"I suppose so," replied her neighbor. 

"Well, this is a strange infatuation these two entertain for 
each other, but it can not be helped." 

Pointing to the partition door, he added : "You had better 
add a screw driver to the outfit, so that I can loosen the hinges 
of that door, for I might want to get through there, double quick." 

Mrs. Cox assented, and left the room to obtain the articles 
required. She returned in a moment with the screw driver, then 
went in search of their costumes, leaving Mr. Box to loosen the 
hinges of the partition door. While thus engaged, he murmured 
to himself: "What strange garbs we wear, and how odd the 
guises we assume, in which tO' masquerade along the road of life. 
Now, I'm in the role of a carpenter, loosening screws. Next, 
I'll be a peddler, and God knows what next. I may be a trag- 
edian in real life, if the uhknown forces of my being prompt me 
to action." 

Mrs. Cox now returned with the garments, and both pro- 
ceeded to transform themselves; like actors, into the role they 
intended to personate; not oh the mimic stage, however, but in 



88 MESDAMES COX AND BOX. 

real life, to save their domestic barks from the impending moral 
storm. 

Mrs. Cox puts on the wooden shoes, slips on an old calico 
dress over her usual attire, then going to the mirror, she so al- 
tered the appearance of her countenance by means of powder 
and paint, that even her best friend would not have recognized 
her. What a wonderful thing, by the way, is the art (for it is 
an art) with which the ladies can enhance their beauty by means 
of the powder and paint brush, particularly if, through age, it 
has become somewhat faded. Mrs. Cox, however, had not need 
for artificial ways of beautifying her appearance, as she was a 
beautiful woman, still in the bloom of youth, and possessed of 
a very attractive countenance. She wanted artificial wrinkles to 
look old. Having completely transformed her face so that she 
looked like the genuine Dutch article, she donned a grey wig 
and a Dutch bonnet. The outfit was now complete, and she 
might have passed anywhere for Mrs. Lauterbach. In the mean- 
time, Mr. Box had attired himself in a pair of overalls, and an 
old, dilapidated coat, with ragged sleeves. He also disguised his 
face with paint, that he might conceal his age, for he was still in 
the prime of life. Adding an old dilapidated hat and smoked 
spectacles, his costume was complete. To still further the de- 
ception, Mrs. Cox had him. take a pair of crutches, which had 
been lying for a long time, in the garret, having been stored away 
by a former man of all work who had broken his leg, and been 
obliged to use these crutches for a time. These crutches were 
necessary to simulate Isaac, who was a cripple. 

The schemers now proceeded to arrange their baskets. 

Mr. Box placed a few notions in his basket, hanging sus- 
pended over the rim in regular peddler's style. 

Mrs. Cox, having sent to the market, was prepared with 
garden truck. Both were now ready for the journey of espion- 
age, which might result either in reconciliation and happiness or 
in hatred and a possible tragedy. 

Amid their tribulations, these two persons could not but be 
amused at their comical appearance. 

"Now, Mr. Box," inquired Mrs. Cox, "how do you like me 
in this outfit? Have I succeeded in transforming myself?" 

■ "Admirably ! Admirably !" was the reply, as Mr. Box 
vie\yed with astonishment, the newly made Mrs. Lauterbach, 

"The angel Gabriel would not recognize you in that attire. 
But, how does my disguise strike you?" 

"Your disguise is complete," replied Mrs. Cox, surveying 



MESDAMES COX AND BOX. 89 

the newly created Isaac. "You might challenge any German Jew 
to do better." Then she added with a gesture of amusement : 
"But, in that garb, Mr. Box, you would be an entire failure 
among the ladies." 

"Thank you, Mrs. Cox, for the comphment as to my dis- 
guise. Now, let's proceed on our journey of investigation, for 
they will soon meet, and I am bound to lay bare that man's ras- 
cality. As soon as vou hear me whistle, come in, even though 
it be necessary to force the door." 

They departed on their tour of inquiry. 



90 



MESDAMES COX AND BOX. 




Even When Spooning Danger Is Lurking. 



MESDAMES COX AND BOX. 91 

. CHAPTER II. 

The Lovers' Trysting Place. 

Let us now turn our attention to Mrs. Box, who we find 
just descending the stairs in her own apartments, still wear- 
ing the red shawl, the lover's signal that the coast is clear. 
She seemed to be in a fine humor for the intrigue ; her eyes spark- 
ling with mischief, and she hummed snatches from a popular, 
opera. She seated herself at the window, saying : "Time passes 
slowly when lovers are waiting to meet at their trysting place." 

Looking at her watch, she continued : "Well, the time is at 
hand. He ought to come." 

She, rose and looked out of the window, scrutinizing every 
passerby. Finally she exclaimed, excitedly : "Ah, there he 
comes." 

A few minutes later the bell rang and she almost flew to 
the door, to admit her lover. 

Mr. Cox entered and embraced Mrs. Box. He had dis- 
carded the uniform and was attired in a black cloth evening 
suit, having gone directly from his home to a hotel, where he 
changed his clothes, and left his satchel. 

"Well," "said Mrs. Box, "you have finally come. I have 
kept vigil for you this last half hour." 

"I beg your .pardon," said he, "for being so late. I was 
unavoidably detained. In addition, I wanted sufficient length 
of time to elapse for your husband to be pretty well under 
way on his train." With this, Mr. Cox seated himself, and 
his companion brought her husband's smoking jacket for Mr. 
Cox to put on, bidding him make himself comfortable. She 
also provided him with cigars from her husband's supply. To 
tell the truth, Mrs. Box preferred the aroma of a good cigar 
to any of the scented perfumes usually found in ladies' boudoirs. 

"Strange world this," remarked Mr. Cox, from amid puffs 
of smoke. "Your husband is by this time many milee from 
home, traveling on the iron horse, while we are enjoying our^ 
selves." 

How little did these two suspect that Mr. Box was very 
near, preparing to avenge the honor of his household. Thus 



92 MESDAMES COX AND BOX 

we are often dreaming away our time in seeming security, 
while danger is lurking at the very threshold. 

Mrs. Box still had some sense of shame, which prompted 
her to say: "The less said about it, the better." And to lead 
the conversation into another channel, she added: "This even- 
ing reminds me of old times, when we were children, living on 
adjoining farms," which was a fact, as these two had not only 
been reared on adjoining farms, but had attended the same 
village school, and often visited each other. Thus childhood's 
associations had formed a link of friendship, which after years 
ripened into deepest regard and sympathy for each other. 
Though they had for years been separated, one going to Hve in 
one part of the country, and the other in another part, hearing 
from each other only occasionally. Just as it happens to most 
of us, when Fate shapes our ends, rough hewn though they may 
appear, we are tossed on the billows of life to divers parts of 
the world, and into different ruts and modes of life, with varied 
surroundings, some weathering life's storm successfully, finally 
landing their bark safely in the harbor of affluence, peace and 
happiness, while others are tossed on the rocks and perish. 

The early friendship of these two persons might have ripened 
into affection and marriage had their surroundings remained 
unchanged, and they remained in their bucolic .homes. But 
Fate decreed otherwise. They left their rural homes to engage 
in the glare, strife and illusive pleasures of a great city. And 
thus, in time, each got married to an uncongenial partner. Per- 
haps not waiting to get acquainted with each other's habits, 
temper and character only to find out too late that they had 
made a mistake. Thus it will be seen Mrs. Cox was not as 
black as some cruel censor of morals might want to paint her. 
She was simply the creature of circumstances. Since the ever- 
shifting scene of life had, seemingly, as per accident, made these 
two people neighbors, once more, it was no wonder that the 
influence of childhood's association should assert itself to make 
them friends. By degrees they were cajoled to overstep the rule 
of ethics prescribed for married people. As a sort of apology 
for his trite remark. Mr. Cox said : "Really, my dear Mrs. Box, 
I just could not help coming to see you this evening. I had to 
lay off and put another man in my place, so that for once 
I might enjoy your company alone, when we could exchange 
our sentiments, hopes and aspirations ; also sound the gamut 
of our affections. If I may be permitted to say so, I came to 
feast my eyes on my lady love." 



MESDAMES COX AND BOX. 93 

Mrs. Cox sighed. Her conscience pricked her. Yet she 
felt flattered. Many women would have felt the same. She 
also was elated to think she had conquered ; that there was 
one more worshiping at the shrine of her beauty. She replied : 
"Mr. Cox, you are very poetical ; you love to flatter. If you 
had only spoken ten years ago, when I was yet a girl." 

"My dear," he hastened to say, "it is no flattery. The heart 
speaks now." 

Here he paused, apparently lost in thought, then continued: 
"Yes, ten years ago. The dream of life was then only budding. 
If I had then mustered sufficient courage to speak, we might 
now be man and wife." 

Mrs. Box, seeing that Mr. Cox was becoming rather seri- 
ous, changed the subject by asking: "Are we going to the 
ball tonight, Mr. Cox?" 

"Certainly. Certainly," replied he. "I stayed over for that 
special reason, as I longed for a night of enjoyment with you. 
I take great pleasure in dancing, and understand you are a 
first-class waltzer." 

"Not a bit of it," was the quick reply, spoken in a depre- 
cating tone. "I have almost forgotten how to dance, it has been ^ 
so long since I last attended a ball, as my husband is very 
stingy. Besides, he don't approve of balls." 

"I wonder, then, what he married you for," replied Mr. 
Cox, just to flatter her. "Simply to be his cook? Pshaw ! Such 
men! I believe in domesticity, but, at the same time enjoy a 
waltz or quadrille with my lady love." 

Mrs. Box replied: "Well, men will differ. But how long 
will it be before we must start for the ball?" For Mrs. Box 
had a burning desire in her heart to display her fine proportions 
and new made ball dress on the polished floor of the ball room ; 
also to engage in the mazy waltz or quadrille before the ad- 
miring gazes of the gentry, commonly called fops or lady killers, 
who have more money than brains, and employ their time in 
attempts to conquer the contents of a petticoat. 

Looking at his time piece,. Mr. Cox replied: "Well, we 
have yet an hour's time." 

"That will give me ample time to dress," said she. 

At that minute the bell rang, and Mrs. Box answered it 
herself, saying, "Come in; come in." 

And who do you think it Was? Well there appeared, as 
big as life, Mr. Box. completely disguised as Isaac, the Dutch 
Jew peddler, limping in on his crutch, with a basket full of 



94 MESDAMES COX AND BOX. 

notions, offering them for sale, in the ahered voice of the Jew, 
so that his wife and neighbor should not recognize his voice. 

Mrs. Box exclaimed : "Well, there is Isaac, that German 
Jew peddler, again." 

Mr. Box had somewhat mastered the German language, so 
that he could speak a few ordinary sentences pretty well. It 
would not have mattered much, anyway, whether he spoke the 
language correctly or not, for Mrs. Box and Mr. Cox were no 
linguists. It would have been the same to them, whether he 
spoke German or Greek. So Mr. Box, assuming the Jewish 
dialect, and shaking his hand like a Jew when making a sharp 
bargain, offered his wares for sale. While a close observer 
might have noticed his eyes were flashing with fire, this, of 
course, was unobserved by the trysting lovers, who were oblivious 
to everything except the evening's amusement. 

"Madame, wollen sie ein paar hosen traeger kaufen?" in- 
quired Mr, Box. 

Motioning him to the door, Mrs. Box said, "Nothing to- 
day, Isaac, nothing today." 

Isaac pretended not to understand her, and continued to stare 
at them. Mrs. Box turned to Mr. Cox, saying: "That stupid 
Jew don't understand me." 

Mr. Cox rose, saying: "Well, we'll give the poor fellow a 
chance to earn a dime. He looks to me as if he hadn't had a 
square meal for six months." Turning to Isaac he examined 
his wares, and lifting up a pair of suspenders, he said : "Well, 
Isaac, I'll give you half a dollar for that pair of suspenders. 
That will leave you a handsome margin to buy supper with." 

Isaac exhibited gestures of dissatisfaction at the offered 
price, holding up one finger, he grunted out in German : "Ein 
dollar; ein dollar, mein Herr." 

Mr. Cox assumed an air of injured dignity as he said: 
Confound you, you old rascal ; you want to bleed me. They 
are well paid for with a quarter." 

Taking out his purse reluctantly, he continued : "However, 
to get rid of you, I'll pay you- a dollar, as I have no time for 
parleying." With this he gave him the dollar, and took the 
suspenders. While Isaac limped over to Mrs. Box, offering her 
some handkerchiefs, she motioned him off, saying: "Nothing 
more today, Isaac." 

With this injunction, the assumed peddler took his medicine 
and left, giving the pair a parting shot from his visual orbs, which 
looked ominous to any one who had been in the secret. 



MESDAMES COX AND BOX. 95 

Mr. Cox dilated to his companion on the Jewish character by 
saying: "These Jews are the most thrifty people in the world. 
After living in this country a few years they own houses, lands, 
stores, stock and dear knows what else." 

Mrs. Box had no liking for Jews and so expressed her- 
self. 

"I admit," said Mr. Cox, "that most of them are not de- 
sirable companions for ladies, but so far as trade is concerned, 
they are born traders, and always get the best of a bargain." 
- Mrs. Box now went to the sideboard, and pouring out 
two glasses of wine, presented one to Mr. Cox. They then 
drank to each others' health, also to commemorate New Year's 
day. At first, however, A-Irs. Box refused to drink, possibly to 
create the impression that she was abstemious, for most women 
are such pretenders. He put the glass in her hand, saying: 
"Fair lady, join me in this New Year's offering, for it will not 
taste half so well unless touched by your cherry lips." 

Raising the glass, she drank, saying with a ringing laugh: 
"Mr. Cox you are very sentimental tonight." 

"Yes, ma'am," replied he. "The time and the occasion are 
eminently sentimental. Anyway, I believe in the adage that 
wine, women and song are the three cardinal pleasures of life." 

Mrs. Box laughed heartily at this outburst of sentimental 
gush from her paramour, but threatening him with her jew- 
eled finger, deprecatingly, she said : "No, no, Mr. Cox, please 
do not lay the accent so strongly on the plural of woman." 

For Mrs. Box was, like other, women in that respect, in- 
clined to be jealous, sometimes without cause. And a woman 
who loves a man, can not bear to hear him include other 
women in the list of his admirations. Continuing, she said : 
"I, myself like an occasional toddy, or glass of champagne, as it 
gives tone to our nerves and exhilarates our thoughts, and as 
to song, I oft indulge in it, when I am in the humor, for as we 
sing we grow ecstatic ; but as to the third ingredient, well — well." 

Here she paused, and Mr. Cox tapped her on the shoulder, 
as he laughingly said: "Well, Mrs. Box, out with it. l^know 
how it is. At least, I presume that, as he wants a she in his 
three courses of happiness, so she wants a he." 

To which Mrs. Box assented, making a mental reservation 
as to the plural of woman. Mr. Cox now became rather am- 
orous, and sought to embrace her, but she dodged his advances, 
begging him to wait till after the ball. -While he sought to make 



96 MESDAMES COX AND BOX. 

hay while the sun shone, saying: "Well, dear, now is the best 
time. The present is always the best." 

If a psychologist had at this time made a tour of inspection 
in this man's brain, he would have found a panorama of thoughts, 
somewhat similar to the following, viz. : 

"To love is fate's and destiny's decree. 

Sometimes we love our country, or fame, 

Mammon, power, or to raise Cain ; 

And many kindred loves are fuel for life's flame. 

But, high above them all, there reigns supreme, 

In hearts and brains of low and high degree, 

The love of sex, my perennial queen — 

Nay, all creation with this onus teems. 

Come, then, to my arms, my queen, and let me dream 

Of bliss, joy, oblivion and nepenthe, 

The sacred bower of nature's bent. 

Madrigals now iioat on the midnight breeze, 

And the magic lute of Pan joins all these. 

But hark ! Rise from thy couch, as in my dream 

I hear the zephyrs play an old Virginia reel. 

Soul of my visions — lovely queen, 

Decreed by Fate my mate to be, 

And angels of the solar walk 

Carol and dance for you and me." 

After rousing himself from his reverie, he continued by 
saying aloud to Mrs. Box: "Well, my dear, we'll then wait." 
And after further conference they decided to wait till after the 
ball. Just then the door bell again rang. Mrs. Box opened it, 
and who should enter but Mrs. Cox in the disguise of Mrs. 
Lauterbach, the Dutch vegetable peddler, carrying on her head 
a basket full of spring vegetables. As she offered her produce 
for sale, she took a sharp survey of the surroundings and of 
her truant spouse. 

Mrs. Box became rather impatient at this frequent inter- 
ruption of her tete a tete. Motioning Mrs. Lauterbach to the 
side door, she said : "Well, we need some greens, but why do 
you always bother me by coming to the front door? Why don't 
you go to the rear door, and see the cook? Come on, now, 
come on. I won't be bothered in this way when I have callers." 

With this. Mrs. Lauterbach was ushered to the kitchen 
door, Mrs. Box shutting and bolting the door so that Mrs. 
Lauterbach could not return that way. Then Mr. Cox and his 
companion ])repared to go to the ball. 



MBSDAMES COX AND BOX. 97 



CHAPTER' III. 
The Final Catastrophe. 



bor Mr Pn? T" T' '''''''' ^"^^ ^''' ^^ife ^"d neigh- 

bor A/[r. Pox returned to the home of Mrs. Cox, she havhio- 
supphed hnii with a key for that purpose. He wks much de 

treacnery, put ng his hand to his head, occasionahv as if in 
pain, as he sohloquized: "O, my poor head! My p'oor bra 
IS on fire. Hell and fury! Ho^ nice I caught thL, ^1 y 
Thrice "Xr T' f hough they will before^ong. Tralt^'r^ 
inrice traitoi ! O, what a deceitful world! Here's a man p 
supposed friend, a neighbor, a man following the san^e ca li'n^ 
that I do, a man that I have known for vears seekint to ltd If 

rdTo false^"s^"' ^' '^^^^^^' ''^y "-- ^^^- So'fS 
and so false. She even gave me a Judas kiss when savino- oond 

bye, while at that very moment she was expectinc^Lr paramour 
almost before I had left my fireside." "" paramour, 

is . ^/J"" V^"f ' ^' *h°"^'' meditating, he added: "Put there 
^ a day of reckoning coming. The woman in whom I put 
my trust has, serpent-like, been sucking my life-blood mid nmv 
3t71f-- '---- -^d vile, like^ Lrpei't, she wantTTo 

Tf h^!^^I ^"°*h?'■ ?^'''^' h^ continued: "Put, heart be still 
It beats loud and violent. Of what strange stuff man is made- 
He loves the rod which chastises him. Whv did ^ ever love 
that woman? She enthralled me with her ma^ cha7m,^°l 
will make one more effort to reclaim her, for Sbly thtTs far 
no sm has been committed, except in thought. P^ ve^; Jea L to 
the man who seeks her min V^„r t ^ , vengeance to 

I\Irs. Pox had now locked the doors sivino-- "\t 
won't be bothered with any more peckllei-; havk;r^ ?"" '^' 
n-.ongers," to which .Mr Cox assente "T ' """'^ "^'^' 

three is not" assented. Two is company; 



98 



MESDAMES COX AND BOX. 




03 



H 



MESDAMES COX AND BOX. 99 

Here he went to the sideboard, and pouring out another 
glass of wine drank it, Airs. Box refusing to join him. As he 
drank, he held up the glass, saying: "A Mttle more of the 
spirit of this champagne, with the poetry and voluptuousness 
cf the mazy waltz, will make me a worshiper at Cupid's shrine." 
Mrs. Box laughed, as she replied : "La, Mr. Cox, you seem 
to enjoy a good waltz." 

Pouring out another glass of wine, he drank it, saying 
half apologetically: "Beg pardon, madame, for another drop' 
I just commence to feel that way." And in fact he did. The 
mischief making imp of the wine had enthroned himself in the 
grey matter of his brain, and consequently his mind had become 
intoxicated with desire and boldness, regardless of consequence. 
Seating himself beside his companion, he continued : "But, may 
I hope to have a niche in your heart ?" 

_ Mrs. Box, seeing that she was mistress of the occasion, and 
haying a feeling of adulation, at being the object of male wor- 
ship, although it was of the baser sort, yet she did not care, and 
laughed, as she answered, in an off-hand manner : "Why,' Mr. 
Cox, you can have a whole corner." 

Here she paused a moment, then added: "That is after 
the ball." ' 

It was evident, from her tactics, that she desired to de- 
lay the matter till after the ball. Probably she was frightened 
at the serious turn things might take ; in thus playing on the 
amorous passion of this man, while in the distance might lurk 
the threatening clouds of revenge, if her husband should learn of 
her entanglement. 

_ Mr. Cox being pretty well under the sway of the inspir- 
ation of the champagne, and receiving the above encouragino- 
words from the object of his passion, threw himself at he? 
feet, giving vent to hts pent up emotion, by saying, as he took 
her hand m his: ^'Might we not talk seriously now, about our 
future, while we are alone. I'm vour abject slave. Our paths 
he together. Let's cut asunder our uncongenial matrimonial ties 
and tomorrow leave this town together, to establish ourselves 
in a new home, in the far west." 

This declaration seemed rather sudden to Mrs Box and 
she rose, saying: "Well, give me time to think. I'll let vou 
kr.ow after the ball." ^ 

Mr Cox also rose, realizing that he must have patience 
-and wait for the verdict till after the ball. So he said : "Well, 

Lore. 



100 MESDAMES COX; AND BOX. 

dear, I'll wait, Uicii, till afU'r tlie hall, for the realization of my 
dreams."' 

Looking at liis watch, he c(jntinned : "Jt is time I shonld 
be going to get the carriage. I'll don my street attire and be 
ready." 

Admonishing his inamorata to veil herself, so that she would 
not be recognized, and waving a kiss to her, he departed with 
a final "au revoir ma chere." While Mr. Cox was gone fgr 
the carriage, Mrs. Box seemed restless and uneasy. Finally she 
went to the table, and began to turn over the books and papers 
found there. While a keen observer might have spied the erst- 
wdiile peddling woman peeping over the transom of the door 
leading to the kitchen. Mrs. Box seemed to sink into a medi- 
tative mood, viewing the rapid panorama of events, which might 
change her life, either for weal or woe, she soliloquized to her- 
self : "How strangely is woven the net work of life. Now I 
lind myself in the meshes of love, and that by a man not my 
husband, brought about by environments, conviviality, and the 
magnetism of the man. 

She paused a moment, then continued : "Yes, yes. And 
I must confess a desire to taste forbidden fruit." 

As she turned the leaves of an album she added : "I had 
better go slowly. This flirtation might lead to serious results." 
Presshig her hand to her head, then to her breast, as though 
suffering pain, she exclaimed : "O, my ! How loud and quick 
my heart beats, and my head burns like an oven ! I am nearing 
a crisis in my life. Shall I go to the ball or not?" 

She had now, accidentally, turned to her husband's pho- 
tograph in the album. The calm, sincere and inanimate shadow^ 
of his face now appeared to her excited imagination to be full 
of animation. His eyes seemed to pierce her soul. Perhaps the 
phosphorescent electrical currents of his soul were there to give 
shape and expressive form to the original owner. Who will 
gainsay that psychology is not true in that a picture, a letter, or 
a garment of a person will bring his shade into our very pres- 
ence, no matter how far distant we may be separated, geographi- 
cally speaking. And the absent one will also be conscious of the 
current of feeling. Just such a feeling excited Mrs. Box as she 
ejaculated: "What am I doing? That noble, trusting face of 
his in this picture, pierces my soul." 

After gazing at the photograph a moment, she added : "No, 
I will not betrav him. I'll stop right here at this cross road. 
But what shall T do? He will be back shortly." 



MBSDAMES COX AND BOX. 101 

Pausing awhile, cogitating, she continued : "Yes, let me 
see. Now I have it. I'll send that peddler woman over to Mrs. 
Cox and tell her to come here. I'll reveal to her all ; make a 
clean breast of it." 

She now went to the kitchen door, and, opening it, called 
in Mrs. Lauterbach. After calling several times, the peddler 
entered, not appearing to know what was up. ]\Irs. Box seized 
her arm, exclaiming: "O, Mrs. Lauterbach, can you keep a 
secret ? ' I have some weighty matter to talk over with you." 

After Mrs. Cox has assured her, in the broadest of German 
dialect, that she could keep a secret, Mrs. Box began to unravel 
to her the intrigue of de I'amour. with Mr. Cox. Then telUng 
her of the timely revival of her conscience, she concluded : "But 
I'm going to stop before it is too late. All I want you to do is 
to go over to Mrs. Cox and tell her that I want to see her." 
With the quickness of lightning Mrs. Cox threw aside her Dutch 
bonnet, her grey wig and her wooden shoes, saying: "Well, you 
can see her now." 

To say that a thunderbolt had struck Mrs. Box is to put 
it mildly. She shrieked, then fainted-, and it took some time 
and exertion on the part of Mrs. Cox, with the aid of water 
and cologne to revive her neighbor. She had already, in her 
heart, forgiven the repentant Mrs. Box. For Mrs. Cox was a 
practical, Christian woman, practicing what she preached. The 
world would be better, if there were in it more such Christians. 
For it must be said that too many professing Christians are 
like sounding brass and tinkling cymbals. Mrs. Cox practiced 
charity towards all, and hatred towards none. So, after Mrs. 
Box revived and began weeping over the errors of her way, Mrs. 
Cox soothed her, assuring her of her forgiveness, saying : "Well, 
dear, don't go on in that way. The devil is not half so black as 
he is painted. No use making such a fuss over spilled milk. 
Besides there hasn't thus far been much damage done. I will 
forgive you, as I hope to be forgiven." 

They embraced each other like sisters. After awhile Mrs. 
Cox inquired what the programme had been, to which Mrs. Box 
replied : "Well, your husband will soon be here to take me to 
the ball. He has gone for a carriage." 

Mrs. Cox could not restrain her anger at the impudence of 
the man, and exclaimed : "That rake of a man ! Oh, how I 
would like to imprint my finger nails on his face !" 

After a pause, she continued in a calmer tone: "But it is 



102 MESDAMES COX AND BOX. 

all over now. Yes, dear, your husband and I knew all about 
it, and were on the lookout for events to come." 

After a few moments' contemplation Mrs. Box said: "Now, 
I got it. 'J\) punish him a little, you take my place; put on my 
dress and hat, and veil yourself tightly so he can not recognize 
you." 

]\Irs. Cox sprang up with excitement and joy, exclaiming: 
"Capital, Mrs. Box, I'll transform myself to resemble you. 
Then I'll catch him, apparently making love to another woman, 
the rascal ! while he has not said 'boo' to me within the last six 
weeks. But, suppose you don the clothes of Mrs. Lauterbach, 
and we'll see how he likes you in that costume?" 

The ladies now exchanged costumes. Then Mrs. Cox sug- 
gested : "You hide behind the door with a broom stick, and 
when you hear the whistle, break in the door." 

When the ladies had completed their masquerade costumes, 
Mrs. Box left for the kitchen, while Mrs. Cox, in the livery 
of Mrs. Box, her face completely veiled, sat down to calmly wait 
the arrival of her husband, Mr. Cox. She had not long to wait, 
for she soon heard the trotting of horses and the rattling of 
approaching carriage wheels. And Mr. Cox burst into the room, 
almost out of breath. He had, however, taken time to adorn his 
coat with a rose, and also had a handsome boquet for Mrs. Box. 

"Now, dear," said he, "the carriage is at the door; are you 
ready?" 

With this, he approached the supposed Mrs. Box, presenting 
the boquet and attempting to kiss her. She pushed him aside 
with a scream. At the same time a whistle was heard, and Mrs. 
Lauterbach burst through the kitchen door. While Mr. Box 
broke through the partition door, with the aid of his ax — and 
pushed aside the article of furniture before the door. He stood 
before the group in a threatening manner, with uplifted. ax. 

Mr. Cox looked from one to the other, unable to comprehend 
the turn affairs had taken. 

Addressing himself to the presumed Jew peddler — for Mr. 
Box was still in the garb of a peddler, Mr. Cox said : "What 
in the blazes does this Dutch peddler want here?" 

Mr. Box threw aside his disguise, exclaiming in stento- 
rian tones: "Imp of hell! what do I want? Look at me!" 

Before Mr. Cox could reply or recover from his conster- 
nation, Mrs. Cox removed her veil and other disguises, and see- 
ing that her husband recognized her, cried out : "And look at 
me, your ill-treated wife !" 



MESDAMES COX AND BOX. 103 

If any man ever felt cheap, or like sinking through the 
floor, it was Mr. Cox. He was too dumbfounded to speak. " But 
as soon as the pseudo Mrs. Lauterbach threw off her disguise, 
revealing her identity, the situation flashed on his mind. 

Mr. Box dropped his ax, laughing to himself at the way 
things had turned, as he murmured to himself: "An honest 
woman is the noblest work of man," while Mr. Cox, exclaim- 
ing: "Man is but the lute of fleeting passion,'' and. still having 
some manhood left, fell on his knees at his wife's side, begging 
her forgiveness for this black spot in his life, and promised to 
wipe out the remembrance of the evil by leading an upright life 
in the future. His wife embraced him, readily forgiving him, 
with the thought "a woman's soul is shaped for love and 
sacrifice." 

A cynical smile played on Mrs. Box's pouting red lips which 
seemed to say, "betwixt me and the lamp post, 1 ween that, the 
devil, _ when caught, a saint would be ; but, while under cover, 
a devil of' a saint was he." 

Let us hope he kept his promise; also that the gay Mrs. 
Box had learned a lesson in life, by which she profited here- 
after. 

Thus ended a domestic comedy, which by the turning of a 
hair, might have been a tragedy. 




PARADISE NOT LOST 

OR 

The Old and the 
New World 

A Toetic Jeu d'Rsprit 




106 PARADISE NOT LOST. 



INVOCATION. 



Thou who on wings of morn gavest all earth light, 

Inspire this soul, who strives in prose or rhyme 

To speak and sing, or play on flute or lyre, 

Of first creation's molt and thee sublime. 

This stam'ring tongue, within its prison cell. 

Is far too stiff and words too crude to tell. 

Of thy glory, creator of men; 

Unless the muses three with Protean fire. 

Tune harp and lyre, to my advent'rous song, 

And lead me on this lofty shining path. 

It matters not in this short vesper play. 

That savants of this latter day proclaim: 

"Scriptural creation and salvation. 

But an emblematic moral mirror. 

Of one unknown first cause, and cycle truths": 

Enough for us, if by its shimnx'ring twilight, 

It leads us up to heaven's bright beacon light. 

Your pardon then, when on Pegasus wings I soar, 

O'er land and ocean wide to first creation's morn, 

To take a glimpse of that first pair in Paradise; 

And then with swiftest speed sweep down the march of time. 

To see the nations rise and fall till freedom's morn. 



SYNOPSIS 



OF A 



LIBRETTO 



FOR 



Grand Opera 



Cast of Characters 

Adam and Eve, - - - - Onr Scriptural First Parents. 

Gaijriel and Uriel, ------_____ Angels, 

Serpent, -•-_---__ Scri|3tiiral Seducer of Eve. 
Beelzebub and Satan, - - '- - - Scriptural Chief Devils. 
Jacob, --------_-_ a Biblical Patriarch. 

Joseph and His Brethren ------- Jacob's Sons. 

Moses and Aaron, -------- Jewish Prophets. 

Solomon, --------- King of the Israelites. 

Socrates and Plato, -_----'- Greek Philosophers. 

Jesus, -------- Scriptural Savior of Mankind. 

Xantipe, -------_--_ Socrates' Wife. 

Simon PuREsiMPLETON, 

AND Philosophy Jimcrack, 

- - - - - Rivals in a Lovers' Chase. 
Juveniles, Olapodes, Utilities and Excentrics. 



108 PARADISE NOT LOST. 

chait]^:r 1. 

(•AMI- Fjrj-: of the Insurgents. 

This scene presents to us a ravine in front of the gate of Para- 
dise. At its side are rocky precipices, which, leading up, brings us 
in the mountainous regions with its snow-capped summits; while the 
edges below are garnished with shrubs, ferns and weeds growing wild 
in their primeval state. Here we find gathered in a knot Satan and 
his legion, after having been ejected from heaven. They are in a 
state of trepidation, mingled with defiance against the heavenly pow- 
ers who in a desperate battle have routed them. They are sitting 
around glimmering camp-fires counseling what next to do. We find 
here Satan and his army accoutered in all their pristine glory of 
ugliness and martial array, singing in chorus, to relieve the burdens 
of sorrow with which their hearts are weighed down from their late 
defeat — after which Satan addresses them to infuse new life into 
his rebellious host. The personages, in this libretto, express their 
sentiments mostly in a chant, or oratorio style, suited to blank verse, 
of which the greater part of this canto is composed — with only a few 
verses in rhyme interpersed. 

Chorus: Away — away — we chase — consternation, 
Rebellion now is our occupation. 
Though suffer we scores of tribulations. 
Yet we are still Satan's tribe and nation. 

[Exordium Primus.] 

Satan: Empyreal sons, companions, brothers, peers. 

You're still destined to soar with loftiest flights, 

Up to your father's home amid the skies, 

From> whence you have been ignobly ejected, 

By cherubim and his cycophant host. 

Yet cheerful be, though driven to the wall; 

All is not lost; all is not yet quite lost. 

Too true the day was hot for our brave ranks; 

Yet one swift turn of our force might have gained 

For us the day, and put their host to rout. 

Behold; now heaven's raging sire sits on 

His throne rejoicing, and with mocking ire 

He views the fun'ral pile of dead and dying, 

And listens to the whining of his choir. 

Who humbly kneel and pray, extolling praise,' 

To heaven's tyrant and the great I AM. 

To us hope still remains, and it, our light, 



PARADISE NOT LOST. 



109 



The motive power which will sway our armies, 
Tomorrow on, to brave heroic deeds. 
We have measured strength with our puissant foe, 
Opposed and grappled with him bone to bone. 
Nay, worthy potentates, our ranks did more; 
Bravely they coped with a thrice stronger foe; 
This shows marrow yet in our brave army. 
If gllmm'ring fortune will, we may, as yet, 
Before Phoebus wheels 'round his fiery car, 
I say: we may, as yet, hurl heaven's army' 
From their vantage and celestial heights, 
To pits of darkness low and deep beneath. 

Satan having now exhausted his ire, amid the acclamation of his 
rank and file, sits down, and Beelzebub rises to dissuade them from 
further warfare, as he is for peace, and thinks to win their seats in 
heaven by guile, policy and strategy. 

[Exordium Placidus.] 

Beelzebub : With great respect to our Dominicus, 

And for the val'rous deeds of our army; 

Yet I'm for peace, not active, open war. 

At least some short time for an armistice. 

Meanwhile we gather strength, vigor and force; 

Apparent peace, well mixed between with guile, ' 

Will quicker gain for us our seats in heav'n. 

I would dissuade you, therefore, from open war. 

Our foe excels in numbers, therefore in strength. 

We have no means— dark are our ends in view 

Our hopes of conquest lie in stratagems; 

In those devices hidden from the eye, 

Which have their spring and grave within the soul 
[Pomts to his breast. Satan now rises excitedly.] 
[Exordium Bellicose.] 

Satan: What, brethren! let our foes enjoy the spoil? 

Shall we m future stay in the furthest. 

Coldest corner of the empyreal heav'n? 

Shall we be doomed to foul disgrace and rouf^ 

Shall we in bonds and chains of prison cells, 

Of the dark realm below, ignobly die? 

Or eke out our existence in torments? 

Nay, peers— infernal pow'rs— I say no— no 

Thrice no, by all the firmaments above 

And all the gaping gulphs beneath us. 

We who have two days' battle nobly stood 

Unvanquish'd, and our armv still in arms 

Procrastination is the bane of our cause 

Received we have a few slight surface wounds 

Yet they will make our blood course more impetuous 

Through our hot veins and nerve our arms with poWr 

To drive with tempestuous blows our arrant foes 

From, their ill-gained, short-lived lofty vantage 



110 PARADISE NOT LOST. 

O, peers! dominions, pow'rs; have you forgot, 

How, on this very ill-omened dawn of day, 

Just as aurora, mounting her fiery car, 

To shed her orient pearls o'er sea and land, 

The fierce onslought we made? How we mowed down 

The solid columns of th' advancing foes; 

Like grass they fell and wither'd, from our sharp steel; 

Torn and tattered were their puissant lines. 

Arch angels fell, and groaned their haughty throng. 

At our unwelcome morning salutation. 

This was indeed a sight, a feast for gods. 

How their whole crew wallow'd in their life blood, 

The rest to run away, threw down their arms; 

And this success was due to my invention. 

Necessity is the best inventor, sires. 

Ye compeers, think of this and my strong arm. 

Far reaching pow'r, and my prophetic sight. 

If in one night we can invoke sulphur 

And iron from the bowels of the earth, 

Shape them into engines of dreadful war, 

In th' twinkling of an eye we can do more, 

Do grander things when fortune smiles on us. 

What grand effect, on my command, "Avant guard?" 

Our heavy siege guns send their bombshells. 

Into the midst of their staunch file and rank. 

Behold the sad havoc it made of them. 

They crouch'd and slipp'd and fell — gracious heaven? 

The pregnant air resounded with tumults loud. 

The battlefield echoed with destruction dire; 

The heavens bright, enwrapt in purple veil; 

And then there shone our bright cuirasses, 

With myriads of flashing keen-edged swords, 

Cutting the lambient air for our noble cause. 

Such glorious sight and valorous brave deeds 

Would make the stony hearts of saints leap with joy. 

Thus lay down our glorious cause? No — thrice, no! 

What though our wounds do bleed — our spirit essence 

Cannot be quenched or die by sharp-edged swords. 

These wounds will heal again and one cicatrice, 

Will breed ten thousand lives into new being. 

Yes, peers, I am for war — fight to the last, 

Ere than sit at a mocking conqueror's feet. 

The sacrifices which we made today 

Are worthy of our heritage to gain. 

Either on celestial thrones we M'ill sit. 

Or else we pray annihilation. 

If, brethren, thus you all agree with me, 

Then show it by the usual soldiers' sign. 

All rise, draw swords or other weapons, and swing them in the 
air enthusiastically. Sing in chorus. 

Chorus: Yes, yes, yes — we agree, quite, with our chief. 
War, war, war, can only give us relief. 



PARADISE NOT LOST. HI 

[Enter Gabriel, in midair, with drawn sWord, wings at back and 
golden helmet on head. As they see him they draw together.] 
[The Olive Branch.] 
Gab.: Foul fiends, still sitting in rebellious council, 
. Apostates from our sovereign king on high. 
Ye who erstwhile sat with us round the throne. 
And sang to Alpha and Omega psalms; 
While our merry voices fill'd the blue heav'n. 
Fit emblems then of innocence you were. 
In outer vestments and untarnished souls'. 
Bethink yourself, recall your glorious past, 
If spark of virtuous fire is still in your souls 
As contrite sinners, do return at once 
To him, who is all power, love and wisdom, 
And pardon he will grant at mercy's throne. ' 

[Satan rises, now agitated, and in defiant tones and gestures he 
answers. Rest, attitude of defiance.] 

[The Chant Defiant.] 

Sat.: Thinks thou to win us with bland words and smiles, 
Us whom, in two days' fight with all your legions, 
Your high-toned heav'nly pow'rs could not subdue? 
We're ready now to take up heaven's gauntlet. - 
We who have tasted sweet liberty. 
We do deny heaven's supremacy, 
And we defy your celestial powers. 
Impious, daring worm — us thou sayest. 
.That we should bend a supplicant's knee; 
While thrice we vanquished your saintly' pow'rs, 
Possess'd the bloody battlefield as ours. 
Our soaring pinions and our floating banners. 
Are now emblazoned with victory, 
. This is too much; haughty cherub draw. 
Gab.: I would like to smite thee with my sharp sword 
Thou father of base lies and grim falsehoods, 
You have been weighed in the balance and found wanting 
But I'll leave it to heaven's vegeance. 



112 



PARADISE NOT LOST. 




PARADISE NOT LOST. 113 

Points with his sword upward where in rear and in midair, ap- 
pears a golden scale. 

See there, the doom, of your foul crew is sealed. 

The celestial powers seem to be now in dead earnest to destroy 
the remnant of the inffernal crew still on rebellion bent; as the sky 
frowningly lowers its brow, the thunder rolling and the lightning 
flashes over the heads of the now thoroughly frightened band of evil 
conspirators, while the earth shakes and opens beneath their feet, 
and swallows them up amid a volcanic eruption of fire issuing forth 
from its bowels. The spiritual powers having now accomplished this 
grand flank movement and annihilated the rest of their seditious 
brethren, the clouds now disperse, and again the blue vault of heaven 
smiles serenely on the terrestial fields below; while the birds come 
from their hiding places and hum their matin songs. Gabriel, the chief 
angel of Jehovah, now enters again upon the scene, and is on his way 
to inspect our scriptural first parents in Paradise. He meets In front 
of its gate Uriel, another angel who having heard of this new creation, 
is oa a journey of inquiry to see this new world, and to find out all 
about the modus operandi of its creation. Gabriel relates to him the 
object and purpose of the creation of this, new world, after which he 
conducts Uriel into Paradise to see for himself. 

Gab.: Fair angel, just arrived in our mundane sphere? 

From your celestial courts which blaze with light. 

Uriel: Just this moment I descended to see 

Your sapphire gates of mundane paradise. 

With my own eyes to view what by report, 

I heard in heav'n of this created vi^orld. 

And of Adam and Eve, these two new beings. 

So that I might more zealous worship him, 

Who sits on th' hallow'd hill 'mid celestial throngs. 

Do pray tell me of this new creation? 

[Creation.] 

Gab.: Thus was it then just after heaven's sire 

Had conquered Satan and his legions, 

He cast them in the dark deep pits of hell, 

Where now amid sulphuric' fire they howl, 

And gnaw their teeth about their fallen state. 

God said then to his dear beloved son: 

"To fill the vacant places 'round our throne 

1 have determined to create a new world, 

Also a^ew crea;ture, which I'll call man. 

I will shape him from earth's raw material 

Yet he shall be endowed with our essence, 

So that in some degree he'll be like us. 

Have spiritual affinity with us. 

He shall be free, endow'd with pow'r of choice, 



114 PARADISE NOT LOST. 

To choose the good or bad — accept me 

His maker, or disobey my command. 

In knowledge he shall grow in due limits, 

He shall be finite while he is on earth. 

It shall be for him a place of probation; 

And when his' race is run, to earth he shall return, 

But if of worth, I'll take his spirit essence 

Up to our heavenly royal mansion; 

And make him there, infinite in knowledge. 

And his spirits being immortal." 

Thus spake Jehovah to his son. 

There was a vast abyss right north of heav'n, 

Where oceans of atoms floated through space, 

And huge conglomerated masses. 

In wild confusion traversed the Universe, 

By virtue of the centrifugal forces. 

God bade them now to regulate their course, 

Then in due time atom joined with atom. 

Rotating on in their regular grooves. 

Now solid and liquid atoms divorc'd 

By virtue of the calorific force. 

Thus were the ocean and her billows formed. 

Then earth — solid and with magic beauty. 

Rose like a fairy from its wat'ry grave. 

Within its womb — the germs of vegetation. 

Also animated creation. 

Thus by the law of negative and positive forces. 

It brought now forth feminine fruition. 

See yond orbs are called sun, moon, and stars. 

Each has its cycle of rotation; 

With divers function each and matter, 

Related to the surrounding universe. 

Thus sun, moon, and stars are but metal jars, 

Charged by that fierce agent electricity; 

In its positive and negative forces. 

Each orb composed thus of divers matter, 

Var'ous in quantity, quality and molecules. 

Produce these divers luminaries. 

The sun's bright light which now illumes the earth, 

Is diff'rent from the light he gives to other globes. 

The atmosphere — that great receptacle. 

Of these mongrel orbicular forces. 

Contains a mass of floating particles. 

Which easily ignite and combust; 

As they collide on their airy journey. 

Thus in ihis glowing incandescent state. 

They give to earth and man their glor'ous light. 

Uriel: You get a little off the track; 

To man, you spoke of, bring me back. 

Gab.: I come now to my final epilogue. 

The earth in its green garb was fair to sight, 

And on its face roamed all kinds of wild beasts; 

Yet there failed one link in the chain of creation. 



PARADISE NOT LOST. 115 

This to complete the round — God in course of time evoluted man, 

From the highest form of animal creation. 

And gave to him fair woman, as a mate. 

You will soon see them when I lead you tlirough. 

The jasper gate of earthly paradise, 

Where in a rosate fragrant bower they repose. 

Both clad in nature's garb of innocence. 

Uriel: Confrere, lead on — lead on — so I see them. 

Gabriel having now completely apprised his confrere, opens the 
gate of Paradise into which both enter. The brilliant scene now pre- 
sented to our view, beggars description. Here we find it, in its scrip- 
tural coloring and oriental splendor. Flowers and rare exotics vying 
in their glory. Rivulets and fountains mingling their spray with the 
zephyrs which are dallying with the green foliage, while the primeval 
animal world roams around here animated by the soul of peace. Here 
we also behold the quoted tree of life with its apples; and 'near by a 
bower wherein Adam and Eve indulge in their nocturnal slumbers. 
This scene presents to us the oft repeated story of the pristine bliss 
of our first parents in Paradise; .the seduction of Eve by the wily ser- 
pent, and the final eviction of our soi disant progenitors from their 
abode of indolence. Before, we see the mother of the world's gener- 
ations; we hear her in her bower chant her gloria te Deum. After 
which she appears upon the scene. 

Let me praise thee, my creator. 

Love thee, worship and adore. 

And let these lips for ever, evermore, 

Their hallelujah to high heaven soar. 

Hallelujah — hallejah, 

To thee, now, and forever more. 

Eve now emerges from her bower with disheveled hair, flower 
wreath around head. She walks to fountain, lays down at edge and 
looks into it. Seeing her own image therein. She solioquizes with 
image in water. 

[An Optical Illusion.] 

Eve: Are you a woman like myself? 

It winks, it must have not much tongue. 

Can you not speak? else speak louder. 

She Mahks; she can't express her feelings. 

How long have you been in this condition? 

She winks; she has always had this mission. 

Don't you find It rather wet there? 

She winks; she is dry like a hen. 

I guess she means that she is inside dry. 

Have you about you such a thing as a husband? 

She nods: water nymphs do not marry. 

Would you prefer male or female companions? 



IK) PARADISE NOT LOST. 

She likes two gallant male companions. 

Adieu — adieu — fare thee ever well. 

'Tis passing strange when I do move, she moves. 

[She now rises.] 
I now will go and weed yon flower bed, 
And trim those rankled rose bushes, 
Bind up the luxuriant ivies. 

Cut then the vines, and cull the luscious grapes, 
And their ambrosial nectar press, 
Into my cocoanut rind goblet. 
To make a drink fit for the gods to sip. 
The noon day sun stands at its zenith, 
My own Adam will soon be here. 
To rest awhile from his day's sport, 
And drink out of my hand the sparkling wine. 

. Enter serpent, is of checkered color, with a human face, feet and 
hands, but sepentine shape; he moves in undulating motions, almost 
erect. Moves to tree and stands there erect, resting its head against 
one of the branches. 

But lo! what fair creature comes here? 

[Colloquial Seduction.] 

Serpent: Fair daughter, at thy shrine I come to kneel. 

Thou art the fairest being with soul endowed. 

That lives- in this enchanted realm of ours. 

Thou does deserve to sit on heaven's throne, 

And wear the crown of heaven's queen. 

Instead of which you roam around- with brutes, 

Who lack communion of speech and soul. 

Eve: Thou gentle beast — thou speakest fair. 

But do tell me — tell me truly, 

Is there another world than this? 

S.: Fair Eve. 'tis true — there is — there is. 

E.: I like quite well thy speech, but am surprised 

To hear thee speak, -i brute like you; 

Like all dumb brutes who want discourse. 

But pray, who gave thee so much tongue? 

S.: I got the knowledge which I now possess, 

By eating of the fruit from this green tree. 

[Plucks off an apple.] 
Which like the liiagic wand gave to me speech. 
And called my cerebral functions into action, 
While on me dawned the light of reason. 

[Offers apple to her.] 
Ah, goddess fair, partake with me, , 

With knowledge it will thee endow. 
And you will equal be with celestial pow'rs. 
Who now keep thee in chains of darkness dire. 
The worlfl oijtside this garden spot. 



PARADISE NOT LOST. 117 

Is wondrous fair for mortal to behold, 

O'er which, fair queen, you will yet reign. 

B.: You, gentle beast, you speak me fair; 

But of this tree we were forbid to eat. 

Yet as its fruit such virtue wrought in you, - 

Gave you this gracious garb, manner and speech; 

[Takes apple.] 

I will then taste its luscious flavors, 
And try its power and virtue on me. 

Eats apple, after a while she becomes hilarious, and acts as if 
partially intoxicated. 

E.: Great God! what glorious, what grand effect, 

Exhilerates the action of my heart, 

And brain it lights with eyes of flame, 

I feel a sweet delirium creeping o'er me. 

She and serpent now are seen love-making, and sing a duet. 

S.: Ha-ha, I knew my medicine would work. 

E.: Yes, gentle beast, I love thee now to marry. 

With thee to pluck the matrimonial berry. 

S. and E.: O, yes, each other we do warmly love, 

Intoxicating is our cupid's bough. 

Then let us merry — merry be. 

Always happy, jolly, and free. 

Adam is seen now standing at corner watching, he has a pruning 
hook on shoulder. Eve and Serpent now embrace, and latter sneaks 
out, while Adam advances slowly, shows anger. 

Adam: Why, this looks rather passing strange. 
To see my Eve so near a beast. 

[Now near her, is more cheerful. Aloud.] 
Ha, here I find my late espoused. 

Bone of my bone, sole partner of my joy. ~^ 

But yet, what is the matter with my doe? 
I see in you, a strange transformation. 

[The apple tree.] 
E.: While here I posed 'mid roses and lilies, 
There came to me through cranberry shrubs. 
One of the beasts which roam in our fair place; 
Attir'd in gorgeous robes of diff'rent hues. 
Gifted with reason keen, and sublime speech, 
And told me in his winning ways, that these 
He gained by eating of this forbidden tree. 
He plucked an apple then, and gave it me. 
I ate of it and soon the elixir. 
Of knowledge, graces fair and a new life, 
Thrill'd every fibre of my new being. 
I know now that I am a woman, 
And for what I am created; 
Cupid, on swiftest wings speeds through my veins. 



118 PARADISE NOT LOST. 

[Plucks apple from tree and holds it out to Adam to eat.] 

Eat this, if in thy heart thou lovest me. 

When share thou wilt with me this amorous passion. 

Adam goes off a little, shaking his head; is apparently agitated. 
Serpent comes now wriggling in again, when all at once Adam rushes 
up to him and knocks him on head: kills him. Stands over serpent 
and sings, while Eve shrieks and faints, but shortly comes to again. 

A.: Ah, Wiley serpent, die! Father of lies, 
Thou art the cause why my happiness flies. 
Produced, thou hast, woes for generations to come. 
Prepared for us a host of tribulations. 

[Walks off a little, loudly sobbing, while Eve rises.] 
E.: What have you done, Adam of nations? 
Brought on us the curse of damnation. 

[Our First Husband's Verdict.] 
A.: My Eve — mother of future generations — 
A daring deed thou hast done, to eat — 
To eat of this interdicted apple tree. 
We had the fill of nature's bounteous gifts; 
And yet in rebellion thou has risen. 
Against Jehovah's allwise decree. 

[Aside.] 
Kind heaven, why was I so short-sighted. 
To leave her thus alone to tempter's snare? 
Now future generations will curse me. 
O, fickleness! Thy counterpart is woman. 
Divine in shape — of such gentle mettle. 
Ambition mad, and with envious eyes, 
She mounted up to celestial heights, 
To gaze upon the sacred courts in heav'n. 
She now in turn becomes my tempter. 
Gracious heaven! Deal with me gently. 
Ordained to be free; yet my fate is fixed; 
With her my lot is cast — I am her slave. 
I am the centerpole of her affection; 
This is the chain of her magic power; 
I share her virtue and will share her vice; 
And be her partner in the coming doom. 
If so decreed by heav'ns mysterious pow'r. 
Though hope still whispers in my longing heart, 
That heav'n will relent from its severe decree. 
He who rules all is e'er on mercy bent. 

He approaches her again. She holds apple out to him and he 
takes it. 

A.: Sole partner of my joy, I eat the fruit. 
With thee I'll live and with thee die. 

Eats apple. Appears intoxicated. They sing now a duet, amid 
love-making. 



PARADISE NOT LOST. ll9 

A.: Ha! I am now under the fascinating spell, 

My blood and pulses beating now pell mell. 

E.: My sturdy partner, thou — I told you so! 

'Tis joy of soul will make us dance tip-toe. • . 

A. and E.: Oh, rapture — oh, 'tis bliss divine. 

More sweet than nectar or good wine, 

So mote it be — the matrimonial bee. 

From this green apple-tree — this apple tree. 

A pause. A cloud appears on an eminence. A light shines faintly • 
through it. An unseen voice speaks at which they show fright. 
Voice: Adam — -Adam^ — where art thou? 

Both pluck leaves from tree and use them as aprons, and conceal 

themselves partially. 

A.: I'm here, my lord, but fear thee to behold, 

As now I see I'm nude and might get cold. 

v.: Hast thou eaten of that forbidden tree? 

A.: The woman, sire, thou gavest me, was tempted. 

By one of your fair creatures of the field. 

She ate of that forbidden tree and spoke it fair; 

And thus induced by her I ate the fruit. 

v.: As thou hast been neglectful of my command, 

Henceforth thou shall eat thy bread by the sweat of thy brow, 

And haste yourself to leave these holy bowers, 

Thy sinful partner shall have plenty woe, 

'Mid pain bring forth the fruit of her ripe womb. 

Her seed shall curse the serpent's hoary head. 

A.: How long, O Lord, wilt thou banish us? 

v.: For many years, thou and thy partner frail, 

Shall tug along life's onerous path; 

And then you'll fall asleep for a good while 

Until I wake you up in Bdgewood Grove, 

To view with her the world's onward progression. 

Enter now four angels with drawn swords and drive Adam and 
Eve out. 

Angels: Hence! Leave these sacred precincts. 
Away — away- — depart. 

[Adam embraces Eve and takes her hand going out.] 
A. and E.: O, yes, we will together go. 
And jointly bear pleasure or woe. 
A.: Be not dismayed, my dear frail partner then. 
Together we shall see, yet, Edgwood Glen. 
They disappear, angels after them. A chorus of unseen voices is 
heard now singing in rear, accompanied by orchestra out of view. 
Let there be light, the heavens now are bright. 
The Lord, our God, has spoken in his might. 
And drove the evil one from out his sight. 
t Mankind can now walk in his holy light. 
Hallelujah — hallelujah. 
We sing to thee. Lord of the skies. 



120 PARADISE NOT LOST. 

TABLEAUX. 

CHAPTER II. 

Jacob's Abode. 

The following six scenes are simply panoramic views. The prin- 
cipal localities of each scene are portrayed on a moving canvas. As 
the canvas picture is presented, the personages enter and perform, 
and exeunt as the scene passes away. 

The first view presented, is Jacob's abode of oriental structure- 
Time, 1728 B. C. Enter Jacob and his son Joseph, dressed in oriental 
style, Jacob with long white beard, Joseph having on a rnotley colored 
frock. 

[Jacobitical Family Jars.] 

Jos.: My sire, I had some strange wild dreams last night. 

Lo! I was binding sheaves with my brothers. 

In yonder yellow stubble-field of ours. 

My sheaves arose, and my brothers' sheaves. 

In humble pose obeisance bowed to mine. 

And then I had another cur'ous dream, 

The moon and stars twinkled and winked at me. 

Jac: My dear, dear son, has it come to this pass. 

That I thy sire, thy mother and brethren. 

Shall humbly bow to thee? cast off those dreams, 

Evil they are, and dream no more, no more. 

In yonder field labor with honest toil. 

And see if it be well with thy brethren 

In yon pasture, and bring me word again. 
They exeunt at R. A little while after, the scene changes to the 
pasture field. Pictures of cows, sheep, camels, etc., are on canvas. 
After which enter at L. the ten sons of Jacob in Shepherd's dress 
having some dogs with them. 

1st Son: I tell you it is time to put this sapling 

This overgrown brother out of the way. 

2nd Son: 'Tis true, he is the spoiled twig of our sire. 

We must endure cold, heat, wet and the draught, 

In guarding here in field our father's flock. 

While he sits at home, in his checker 'd frock. 

3rd Son: And then behold the arrogance he shows, 

To us his ill favor'd shepherd brethren. 

I think he will receive the sole blessing. 

Of our old sire and take the whole domain. 
(Points outward.) 

2nd S.: Ho, brethren, ho! here comes this petted imp. 

Sent by our feeble sire to watch o'er us. 

Majestical he struts his path along. 

Kill him we must, this obnoxious weed, 

Or else is lost our paternal heritage. 

All: He must be put away, away, away. 

Out of the way, he clouds our rising stars. 



PARADISE NOT LOST. ]21 

Now Joseph enters, in previous garb, wears sandals. All manifest 
Wild gestures, and then rush forward and lay hold upon him. He 
appears to be fi'ightened. One of them opens a trap door. 

Jos.: Brethren, be merciful, be merciful, 

I never, nay never harmed or wronged you. 

1st S.: Let's put him in this cave beneath our feet. 

Meanwhile wq'll counsel what is best to do. 

All: Well said, well said, let us do it. 

[They drag him now to hole.] 

Jos.: Help! help! murder — murder — help! 
They shove him down and let trap door down. All looking wild, 
standing around hole. A pause, after which enters Judah, also in 
shepherd's dress — all turn to him. 

Jud.: What's up brethren? why look ye all aghast? 

Methought, as I was watching yonder flock, 

I saw our younger brother Joseph pass, 

And after it, I heard a cry for help. 

I hope you did not hai'm, this our brother. 

Else you bring with sorrow our sire in th' grave. 

Ru.: We caught this unprofitable proud twig. 

He is an enemy to our welfare, 

And thus we mean to squeeze the vital spark, 

Out of this dangerous vile youth. 

All: Aye, that we mean to do — aye, mean to do. 

Jud.': What profits us, this high-handed proceeding? 

He is our brother still — our flesh and bone. 

I see there in the distance drawing nigh, 

A caravan of Midian merchants. 

Let's sell him, and to Egypt he will go, 

And never trouble us again, nor our sire. 

To whom we'll tell, that some wild beast devour'd him. 

In proof of which we show him his son's frock, 

Which we will dye, in crimson blood of a kid. 

All: Well said, well said, brother Judah. 
[Enter now a caravan of oriental travelers, having along camels 
well packed.] 

Jud.: A salaam to you, merchants of the plain; 

We offer you for sale, a nice young man, 

To us for years in service duly bound, 

If you will take him to Egypt's happy land. 

Merchant: Our course lies up the Nile, the promised land, 

We are in need of one to drive our camels. 

We will thus strike a bargain, if agreed. 

And for him give you twenty silver pieces. 

All: Agreed, agreed, we strike a bargain. 

[They pull him out now; strip him of his frock.] 

Jos.: Don't sell me brethren, for heavens' sake, 

ril.be always your humble servant. 
They drag him out now — Joseph resists, cries help, and his breth- 
ren stand in a group on tip toe, seeing him go out. Scene now shifts 
away, and they march out with the scene. 



122 PARADISE NOT LOST. 



CHAi'TER 111. 
riiAiiiVoii's Palace. 

The new scene now appearing presents Pharaoh's palace in Egypt. 
Enter Joseph in regal garb. A black page carrying a chair sets it 
down and withdraws. Joseph sits down. Time, 1716 B. C. 
[The Tables turned.] 
Jos.: Send in the steward at once. 

[Boy bowing and exits.] 

Jos.: A dreaiu I had so many years ago, 

While yet innocent, in my father's house. 

But for this dream my brethren exiled m^ 

To this land of Egypt, my new found home. 

And true it has became, my boyhood's dream. 

My brethren now have come and humbly bow. 

Before me, their unknown and despised brother. 

Though fortune since has smiled on me. 

And now Egypt's proud ruler I be. 

There is a famine in my native laud. 

And they have come to fill their sacks with corn. 

I am exalted now, above them in station, 

Yet still, I will forget and will forgive. 

My heart longs still to press them to my breast, 

I will quest them, to test their change of heart; 

To see if now they have for sure repented, 

And love me Jike a brother now. 

[Enter Stewart.] 

Stewart, has thou then put the silver cup. 
And money in their sacks, as I commanded? 
Stewart: I did, my lord — I did, my lord. 
I then overtook them, searching their sacks. 
And took away the money and the cup. 
On which discov'ry, they tore their garments, 
"And gave utterance to lamentations; 
They have returned, to meet your condemnation. 
Jos.: Away, away, bring them before me now. 

Stewart exit; and in a little while returns with the 11 of Joseph's 
brethren, with their camels laden with sacks. 

Jos.: You have rewarded then evil for good? 

Jud.: What shall we say, unto my lord. 

How clear ourselves of these odious charges? 

God visits on us now a righteous punishment. 

For our sins done in years gone past. 

As we then wronged Joseph, our youngest brother. 



PARADISE NOT LOST. 123 

Behold we are all your lordship's servants. 

For our sire said: If you don't bring Benjamin home, 

You shall not see your father's face again, 

And I, my lord, became surety for the lad. 

Jos.: You say you had a brother, Joseph by name? 

Jud.: Yes, sire, therefore God's judgment is on us. 

Though often we have mourn'd for this base deed. 

[Joseph rushes towards them while saying:] 

Jos.: I am your long lost brother Joseph. 

[He embraces them— they manifest fear and surprise.] 
Jos.: Now come with me to my festive halls, 
By feast to celebrate our reunion. 
[All link hands now, Joseph at the head and sing in chorus.] 
Chor.: We have found him — we have found him; 
Our long lost, our long lost brother. 
We brethren now are reunited. 
The lamp of fraternal love is lighted.. 
Therefore let us happy, happy be, 
A 'happy, happy lot are we. 

They exeunt now, led on by Joseph. Scene now changes to a 
view of Mount Sinai. Time 1450 B. C. An altar appears at the foot 
of the mountain with the figure of a golden calf on it. Enter Aaron, 
having a wand in hand, followed by a crowd of noisy Jewish rabble. 
[The Knot which ties.] 
Aar.: Idolaters, there is your brazen god. 
Which I have fashioned for you out of clay; 
Because our Moses is still in the mountain. 
Now you can worship this image of clay. 

They all kneel before it and worship it, while Aaron goes a little 
front, addressing unseen being. 

A.: Thou great creator of heaven and earth. 

Behold this idolatrous people, 

Now humbly worshipping this golden calf. 

While Moses thy faithful, servant. 

Tarries in the mountain at thy command. 

Thou who from Pharaoh's ignoble hands 

Didst make them^ free, and ledst them through the sea, 

And fed with manna them in the wilderness. 

They all rise now and dance in front of calf; then sing in chorus. 

Cho.: We worship now a golden calf; 
A golden calf, a golden calf. 
We love him on high not half. 
Not half so much as this calf. 
This golden calf, this golden calf, 
Looking pretty like the elf. 
Devil, devil, little devil. 
We worship thee, oh, little devil. 



124 PARADISE NOT LOST. 

It thunders and the lightning flashes across. All group together, 
now affrighted, in one corner, while Moses enters at other side with 
two tablets in his hands. 

Mos.: What noise heard I the children of Israel make, 

While I descended from the mountain? 

Methought I heard a shout of Jubilee. 

[Sees calf. To Aaron, who approaches.] 

But what is that? Tell me quickly. 

A.: I was compelled by these vile hordes a brazen god 

To make, whilst thou didst tarry in the mount. 

Said they: "Let us make gods who go before, 

For we wot not what did befall our leader." 

M.: Did thus they act? This superstitious rabble, 

Who were our Creator's special care, 

Those stiff-necked hordes — do they just now rebel? 

And none of Israel's tribe on the Lord's side? 

A.: Be not so angry, father Moses. 

For still there is the tribe of Levy left. 

M.: Thank God! one still left under our banner, 

Bring them hither. Away, away, away. 
[Aaron exit.] 

I'll thus destroy this seditious crew. 

Renegades from the covenants of heaven. 

But those who shall abide with him, 

The Lord will give the promised land. 

Where milk and honey flows — milk and honey flows. 
Enter Jewish priests carrying tabernacle, a crowd of Jews fol- 
lowing them, some play on harps and cymbals. They stop, and Moses 
in front of them reads from tablets the ten commandments. 

M.: I am the Lord, thy master and thy God. 

Beside me thou shalt have no other gods. 

Keep thou, the Sabbath of the Lord, holy. 

Thou shalt not take the name of God in vain. 

Thy father and thy mother do honor. 

Tby brother man, never with malice kill. 

Commit thou not, in fact adultery. 

Also beware, feloniously to steal. 

Of perjury, let thy loose tongue be free. 

Nor covet thy neighbor's house, wife, maid, or ass. 

It thunders and lightning flashes again, amid which the proces- 
sion marches out at R., while the scene moves also that way, out of 
sight. 



PARADISE NOT LOST, 125 

CHAPTER n^ 

SdLoMoN's 1^1': MI'). I-:. 

The next scene brings us to 1015 B. C. and presents to us 
Solomon's temple. 

Enter Solomon in regal habit, is carried in by four pages, sitting 
on one of those oriental sedan chairs, used by potentates in the orient. 
They set it down. 

[Solomon's Tips O'er Many Ribs.] 
Sol.: 'Tis well, ye slaves, depart. 
By an all-wise decree I am placed here, 
As sovereign king of Israel, 
Therefore I pray to thee omniscient God, 
To give to me an understanding mind, 
Also a sympathizing gen'rous heart. 
So that I may my people justly rule, 
And mercy season all my just decrees. 

[Enter a Lackey.] 
Lakey: There are without two female disputants, 
They have a quarrel for you to decide. 
Sol.: I will tend to them, so let them enter. [L. exit.] 
The office of a ruler is onerous. 
Not only to decide affairs of state; 
But also the strife of washer-women. 
And the legions of hot private disputes. 
Our crown is cluster'd full of pearls, called cares, ' 
Which weigh us down, but yet it must beTlone. 

Re-enter lackey with two women, one carrying a live and the other 
a dead child. 

1st Vv''oman: I and this woman did dwell together. 

I was delivered of a handsome child. 

The night thereaft, this lady at my side. 

Gave also birth to a still-born infant; 

At midnight she arose while your handmaid slept, 

And from me took my bonnie child. 

Laying her dead one to my heaving breast. 

Next morning I awoke to suck my babe, 

When lo! I found this spurious brat, stone dead. 

2nd Woman: Nay, it is but an optical illusion. 

The living child is mine, the dead one hers. 

Sol.: Each of you say, the living child is hers. 

And that the dead one is the other's; 

I cannot pass judgment on proof like this. 

Bring in the executioner with his axe, 

I'll do equal justice, and part in halves. 

The living one, and each shall have her share. \ 

Enter executioner in scarlet dress, with block and axe. 

Sol.: Lay this child on your bloody block, 



12(i PARADISE NOT LOST. 

And cleave it in two equal halves. 

[Executioner takes child and lays it on block.] 
2nd W.: Aye, my good lord, a most just deci'ee; 
So each of us will get an equal share. 
1st W.: Stop! stop! you bloody butcher, stop, 
I will desist, and here renounce my claim. . 
Sol.: Give this little wee-wee baby, 
To the sacrificing lady. 

Executioner gives it to 1st woman, and she goes out exultant, the 
other in a rage. Executioner also exit with his tools. 

Sol.: It takes a clear, discerning mind, 

To even run the course of public justice, 

I understood a real mother's feelings 

Not to sacrifice her heart's offspring. 

I find the women are litigations; 

A stubborn set of willful creatures, 

And this I learned by sad experience. 

As I'm a rather muchly married man, 

And my wives are numbered by the legion. 

The frail charms of women make wise men fools. 

And in mine eyes I do appear degrad'd. (Looks out.) 

Ah, there! I see them come, my many ribs. 

They make a charge on me in solid phalanx. 

[Rises from sedan.] 
Ahem! ahem! what course I now pursue? 
I must depart, or else I am undone. (Hesitates.) 
Too late, for me to fly to my close cot, 
I better stay and meet the onslaught manfully. 

Enter now a lot of Solomon's wives with acclamations and mani- 
festations of joy. They all hang on to him, and embrace him, he acts 
the patient martyr. 

Sol.: A misfortune it is, to wear the breeches. 
[They all group themselves and sing.] 
Chorus: We have him now, our Solomon, 
He is a very precious bone. 
Let us hug him, let us kiss him. 
This fills our hearts with joy brimful. 
[Solomon now breaking away from them.] 
Sol.: You ride this horse with love to death, 
I cannot pay all this cupid's debt. 
Rushes out, women after him, hanging on his garments, with 
shout of jubilee. The sedan is carried out. All move out at R. Scene 
moves same way out of sight. 



PARADISE NOT LOST. 127 

CHAPTER V. 
SocR.\TES'' Cottage. 

The next scene presents, at night, the suburb of Athens, and 
Socrates' cottage. Time, 400 B. C. 

[Not a Petruchio.] 
[Enter Socrates in front of his cottage.] 
Socrates: I've been discussing with rhetors politics, 
And metaphysics with philosophers. 
So that it has grown late tonight. 
And my watch points to the eleventh hour. 
Gentle Xantipe, thou art slumbering now, 
Yes, gentle is she when in bed asleep. 
Awake, she is a fearful Jupiter. 
How limited is our mundane knowledge. 
How foolish are too often the most wise. 
Knowledge is but a niche to things concealed; 
And then how short, the span of wisdom's sight. 
We're wise when we have learned our own weakness, 
Learn'd that we cannot pierce into the hidden realms, ' 
Of light, or darkness, yond our short vision. 
But let me knock, to see the lamb transformed 
Into a lion, awake, awake! your lord 
Returned home — she must be fast asleep; 
Nothing as yet, ho, wife! gentle Xantipe, ' 
Open your door, your Socrates is home. 

Now the window in second etage opens. A candle light appears 
in window, and his wife sticks her head out— head enveloped in night- 
cap, she has a vessel of water in hands, which she* throws on 
Socrates' head, then withdraws and closes window, saying: 

Xantipe : It is, it is, my Socrates, 

Philosophize o'er this until tomorrow. 

Soc: It was lightning all day, I expected 

A thunderstorm at this dark night. 

I will not disturb your sleep gentle wife. 

But go at once again to our market place. 

There to instruct the youths of Athens. 

Fare you ever well, yea ever well. 
Exit at R.— a little after enters Xenophon, Plato and other pupils 
of Socrates. 

Xenophon: Here we are, at our dear master's home; 
I wonder if he has gone upstairs to rest? 
Plato: Have then already Athens' senators, 
Condemned Socrates, our teacher and sire? 

(Eternal the Soul.) 
Xen.: He is condemned to die, by his own hand. 
To drink the poisonous cup of hemlock. 
The sight before our tribune was sublime. 
Not like a cur he stood there, begging for dear life. 



128 PARADISE NOT LOST. 

Nay not him, but he stood ei'ect, god-like. 

Out of his eyes there shot a searing fire. 

Which scorched to crisp his foul accusers. 

He said; his cause must live, though he must die. 

And if perchance he should go free again, 

He would anew thus teach our youths of Athens. 

His eloquence, my lips, cannot portray; 

But must be seen and heard by ears, and felt by hearts. 

He shook his hearers now with storms of passion, 

Then swift with eagle's wings he soar'd to the sublime. 

Again, with gentle curves his voice to murmur sank. 

His vocalism, struck you, as if you heard 

The last chords of a grand orchestral chorus. 

Wafting its last notes on the calm ambrosial aii*. 

His voice, oft in cadence range, gentle as the. dove. 

Or the murmuring of the meand'ring brook, 

Thus he led them on, by his flow'ry speech, 

Till by its charm, you felt as if passing, 

Amid the zephyrs of an enchanted grove. 

And then again, fiercely he scorned his foes. 

Defiance bid to his base judges. 

His face shone with halo bright, as he cried out: 

My doctrine and I will live though my body, 

A victim of your malice dies. 

All: Bravo! brave! bravo! 

(A pause, after which re-enters at L. Socrates.) 
Socrates: Ha! have you all assembled at my cot? 
• But be not dismayed, that I go hence. 
What I have said, will live forever. 
Proclaim I did to doubting mankind, 
The boon of life's immortality .- 
Men's souls pass here a transitory stage; 
After it is set free, from this frail form, 
It wanders forth to congenial climes. 
In heaven's garb, it does roam about, 
In yon Elysian fields of perfect bliss. 
Yon saw the glory of the setting sun; 
So ends our mundane flick'ring, fleeting life. 
But like the rising sun sheds orient pearls, 
The soul will rise in new realms of beauty. 
Keep thus this blessed boon steadfast in sight; 
Teach then, the greatest study of mankind, is man, 
And that well doing is the noblest work of life. 
(Enter Athenian officers, one carries the cup of hemlock.) 
Soc. : Hah! my hour has come, there are the henchmen. 
We owe a cock to ^sculapins. 
Discharge the debt and pray omit it not. 
Give me the cup, I am prepared to die. 

(He takes it and drinks.) 
'Tis done, 'tis done, my mission is fulfilled. 
He is about sinking — falls in his disciples' arms — all stand aghast 
— they carry him out, procession follows. 



PARADISE NOT LOST. 129 



CHAPTER VL 
Thf Temple in Jerusalem. 

After a pause, the scene moves out the same way, and the new 
scene appearing, presents the temple of Jerusalem. Time, 32 years 
A. C. 

(Chant De Messiah.) 

Enter two Jews conversing. 

1st J.: Have you heard of the news in Jerusalem? 

2nd J.: Not yet, I've just returned from Bethsada. 

1st J.: Not heard -of one Jesus of Gallilee? 

And his great wonders there performed. 

2nd J.: Only rumors; pray tell me of his deeds. 

1st J.: In years past, born in a crib at Bethlehem, 

The shepherds while herding their grazing flocks, 

Appear'd to them at night, a host of angels. 

The heavens shone with refulgent glory; 

And sang the host: Rejoice — rejoice. 

For there is born unto you this midnight, 

A savior, the Christ, your Lord. 

Years have since rolled on, this Jesus grew apace, 

Has since done multitudes of wonders. 

The scribes have searched the holy scriptures, 

And they say: from Bethlehem should come, 

Our people's savior and king. 

And now they say: that he is Christ, indeed, 

Of whom our ancient prophets spoke, 

A king to free us from our foreign foes. 

And at this hour, he is approaching 

To our city, and will pass hard by here. 

2nd J.: -Glory to God, if thus our prayers are heard. 

The prophetic promise is then fulfilled. 

The Messiah has come to deliver, 

Israel from the yoke of foreign bondage. 

(Going, pulling other out.) 
Away, away, let us go see him come. 
They exeunt at R. while after a while enters Jesus and his dis- 
ciples. 

Jesus: You go to yonder near by inn; 
There you find tied to a mulberry tree, 
A sturdy ass, and prancing colt. 
Bring hither them, and if asked wherefore; 
Say then: our master has need of them. 
This must be done, that it might be fulfilled, 



130 



PARADISE NOT LOST. 



Of which the prophets spoke m epochs past, 
Saying: tell ye the daughters of Zion, 
Behold! thy king cometh unto the meek, 
Sitting on an ass' back. 

Disciple now re-enters, with ass and colt; is followed by a crowd 
of Jews, men, women, and children, carrying palm and olive branches. 
He mounts ass, some spread their coats on the ground. 

Chorus: Hosannah, hosannah, hosannah. 
To David's son, to David's son, 
Hosannah, hosannah to the Lord. 

All swing their branches, procession marching out. 




PARADISE NOT LOST. 



131 



Doves of Peace. 




A Fourth of July Celebration. 



132 PARADISE NOT LOST. 

CHAPTER Vli. 
Till': New World on a Fourth of July. 

This scene brings us to a period of 2,0.00 yeai's A. C., to a time 
on wliicla we liave not yet entered; but whicli, when it makes its ap- 
pearance, we fondly hope, will find mankind in greater harmony and 
prosperity. A time when our minds have more expanded, and peace 
with its white-winged banner will float over the nations. The locality 
of. our meeting is a grove, a sort of suburb to a model metropolis. 
The time: the eve of the anniversary fete of national independence 
and freedom. Here we meet on the road, Simon Puresimpleton and 
Gimcrack, two of our country cousins, who are on their way to see 
tomorrow, the great national celebration in the city, and also, by 
way of a little diversion, to meet their sweethearts, who have been 
the cause of softening their brains, and of making their hearts vealy. 
Here, we also meet Adam, our first parent, whom the allwise ruler has 
awakened from his long sleep, to take a peep at the world now; and 
to enliven his old soul, has also determined to resurrect Eve, his 
whilom partner, to share his joy. First, we find our friend Gimcrack, 
well stocked with a cider jug, to still his thirst, on his pilgrimage to 
the capital. 

Gim.: It was a wise provision for my aunt to give me some 
sweet cider along, else I would have dried up like a mummy, befoi'e 
reaching the city to see my lassie, at this 4th of July celebration. 
(Bucolic Shrimps.) 

I had thus quite a morning stroll, 

To play my part in lover's role. 

Vineyards I passed, and beds of flowers, 

While lisping leaves and meand'ring brooks, 

Joined with the birds to pass away the hours. 

The nightingales sang, from many nooks. . 

'Twixt them I heard the anthem of the larks, 

Up in the clouds rose those morning heralds. 

And now I am near to my destined goal, 
•The city of wisdom, art, and bright gold. 

The great nave of our mundane universe. 

Whose spokes reach in the core of mankind's breasts. 

Looks out, at same time enters slowly, Simon Puresimpleton, a 
young rustic, wearing a three-cornered hat, and a red kerchief around 
neck, carrying parasol and a bunch of flowers. 

Gim.: What a fossilated specimen of humanity comes ere along? 
(To Simon.) 

Hello! stranger, also on the way to see the city elephant, and 
get civilized? 



PARADISE NOT LOST. 133 

Sim.: Yes siree, yer riverence, I am going up to town, to the 
4th of July celebration, and to see my gal. 

G.: Well, old friend shake an honest man's paws. I am on the 
same road; and am afflicted with the same disease; and you know 
in misery there is a fellow-feeling, which makes us wondrous kind. 

(Simon now in sportive manner touches him in the ribs, laughing.) 

S.: Ha-ha-ha me lad, going, going indeed, to get the cobwebs 
brushed from our noble brows by the city lassies. 

G.: That's it exactly; but tell me confidentially, who is the lass 
who is going to do your brushing? 

S.: Well, sorter boss, to tell you true, I have not yet seen my 
town masher. [Pulls out a letter.] 

G.: Not yet seen the female tyrant, who broke all the crystals 
of your stony male heart? 

S.: Well, not yet, boss, she did it by letter, and from them I 
think she takes the biscuit, as a she plum-pudding. 

G.: Well, that gal of yours is a stunner, and a bigger load than 
I would like to carry. 

S.: But she is as sweet as a cart of watermelons. You see, 
boss, it came this wise; one day I was reading a newspaper, when, 
■ under the head of matrimonial notices, I saw a notice of a lady wish- 
ing to correspond with a gentleman of wealth and culture. 

G.: And you thought that you filled the bill? 
Simon (taking a proud posture.) 

I should say so, 1 should say so. 

G.: Good gracious! 

S.: And thus we came to exchange epistles like this, and from 
sweet, it became sweeter, and 

G.: Oh! I understand, I am familiar with the musical gamut of 
love. It became then sweetest of all, in fact so sweet, that it nearly 
burst your boiler, and lacerated your troubled heart. Thus, you came 
to see and conquer. 

S.: I should say so, I should say so; for lo! look at this musk- 
scented letter I got yesterday, from her, wherein she invites me, as a 
sign by which she may know me, that at the waving of her white 
handkerchief at the fete in the city, I should climb the liberty pole, 
wear a three cornered hat, and a red handkerchief; and thus win her 
heart. 

G.: In fact, lay her close to your palpitating heart, in your old 
farm house. 

Takes letter, walks off a little perusing it, while Simon feels his 



134 PARADISE NOT LOST. 

breast, and makes affirmative gestures. Gimcrack's face now changes 
to comic anger and astonishment, saying aside: 

G.: What! the deuce! this very letter is written by my own 
sweetheart Agness Tomboy. Shall I be now crowned chuckold? Heart 
be still, heart be still. 

(A pause, after which he appears again complacent.) 

"Well, Gimrick, don't make a fool of yourself; for your sweetheart 
wants simply to have a little fun with this rustic simpleton. As he 
has not seen her yet, there is no damage done. For I am familiar 
with every cubic inch of my Agness Tomboy. 
(Aloud — Returns letter.) 

Allow me to congratulate you. You have there secured a precious 
girl; her letter breathes sweetness, as far as pen and ink will permit. 
And I suppose you will climb the liberty pole, as a sign of recogni- 
tion, and to gain that sweet morsel? 

S.: Sure boss, sure boss, and carry her home, and give her every 
day six stout meals of pork, 'tatoes, and cabbage to make her fat; and 
give her all the apple jack, and sweet cider she wants to drink. 
(Gives him jug, he drinks.) 

G. : Take a drop, take a drop, it cools the nerves. 
Well, on such good luck, let's sing to our lassies. 

(Buttons on the High C.) 

Both: Then here is to our lassies bright. 

Sweet cider will not make them tight. 

G. : But pray you my dear, dear Simon, 

Think not so very much of hymen. 

For there's good many falls and slips, 

Between the cup and the longing lips. 

Both: For there's good many falls and slips. 

Between the cup and the longing lips. 

S.: My gal she is the fairest buttercup. 

Of all the lassies bright, she is the top. 

G.: Yes, take her home and show her your washtub. 

Where she can play piano to her Bob. 

Both: Yes, play with cows and dairy butter. 

Till her heart beats like birds who flutter. 

G.: Yes, Simon, love her to distraction. 

If you don't want of her a fraction. 

Both: Thus cheery let us ever, ever be, 

As long as we have cider from apple-tree. 

And then three cheers for our jolly maidens, 

For love they do, and sing in sweet cadence. 

As wives, they do — our shirts to wash and boil. 

Our clothes to mend, and in the kitchen toil. 

For we men are lords of creation. 

In war we do protect our nation. 



PARADISE NOT LOST. • 135 

And three cheers more for our mothers-in-la.w, 
They learn our wives to give us a big jaw. 

S.: Well, friend, I guess I will have to go, to be there in time to 
meet my lass. 

G.: Aye, start in time, for early birds. 
Always do catch of food two-thirds. 

[Simon exit.] 
A bon voyage, a bon voyage. 
There goes the fool, of modern age, 
But blow me if the gay fooi's cap, 
I don't put on that greasy chap. 
I told you so, I told you so. 
And pray don't you forget it. 
Looks out at L. Astonished. Enter at L. slowly on crutches, 
Adam (first parent), with long silver locks of hair, hanging down 
his shoulder. 

[Adam Redivivus.] 

Gim. : Who in the world is this human spectre? 

With shape of an Egyptian mummy; 

Perchance he is of antediluvian age, 

Halloa! halloa! old man, whence comest thou? 

Adam: Ask me from whence I came? 'tis not easy told. 

My life's journey has been' long and weary. 

Its starting point dates back thousands of years, 

Ev'n from the dawn of this world's creation. 

Gimcrack leads Adam to a bank of moss, and helps' him to sit 
down. 

G.: Alas! poor man my inner sight was right. 

Please take a seat on this green clod. 

Your limbs which have witht^tood the worm of time, 

Are now very fragile, brittle and tired. 

A.: Truly, 'tis true, my son, they are, they are. 

Only a wreck I am of my former self, 

Yet now and then, the electric fire of heav'n 

Gives them new life and spasmodic action. 

Our body may be strong, aye, as iron. 

Yet time, with its keen edged fell scythe. 

Will cut to tatters this fragile weak bark. 

The chilling winds of age will then blow out. 

The flickering lamp of mundane life. 

G.: I wean then that you are the first made man, 

Of which the Bible speaks — Adam of our race. 

A.: I am, son, what I am, though true it ;s, 

I am the one of whom the Bible speaks. 

G. : Let me embrace thee sire, reverend sire, 

And tell me all about creation's morn. 

Of Eve, thy rib, and that forbidden tree. 

A.: If ignorance is bliss, 'tis folly to be wise. 

G.: Nay, good grand sire, the adage ought to run. 

If wisdom is bliss? 'tis folly to be ignorant. 



136 PARADISE NOT LOST. 

For maukind has outlived its childlaood stage. 

And needs now solid food instead of milk. 

A.: I see the world is onward progressing, 

But loth I am to be the stepping stone, 

The rock on which the billows of faith would wreck. 

G.: But sire our parching lips thirst for knowledge, 

Longing to drink from the pure stream of truth. 

Be not afraid to tell thy story true. 

We like to know if by heaven's decree. 

Your being was moulded out of earthly dust? 

And Eve, your wife, was taken from thy loins? 

Or if ancient history is a myth? 

Though it prove false, yet our finite weak mind, 

Is bound to worship one superior being, 

A ruler of this great universe, 

In whom our souls move and have their being. 

Mankind endowed with reason, likes to know 

More of this vast, this vast creation. 

[Pre-historic Splinters.] 
A.: As thou persists in urging me to tell, 
And as my mem'ry is well stocked with facts, 
Stored up through ages of my pilgrimage. 
Know then, the mind dies not; but lives e'or on, 
With all its faculties, and facts stored up. 
- On its plastic walls hang many pictures. 
Which it at will into action calls. 
My stay with thee is only short, therefore, 
I can speak only of principal events; 
I saw and heard since first creation's morn, 
Until about five hundred years ago. 
When by his wise decree I fell asleep. 
And slept till now, when I awoke. 
But the consequences be on thy head. 
G.: Pray thee, proceed, proceed, I'll bear them. 
A.: This universe was once a great chaos. 
Until, by an allwise decree — order. 
Was brought out discordant disorder. 
Globes form'd by centripetal forces. 
Thus was our earth created into being. 
After myriads of other fair worlds. 
Had seen the light of day, had seen the light of day. 
Vegetation now into being sprang, ~ 

Epochs passed on, and now with slow degrees, 
Animal life in lowest forms. 
Sprang forth from highest vegetable being, - 
And thus the march of brute development began. 
When finally there came the primeval man; 
As male and female germs are primal parts. 
Of this colossal grand creation. 

G.: Well sire, of mankind, for a long time past. 
I had a notion that such was the case. 
And now I'm glad to be confirmed. 



PARADISE NOT LOST. 137 

But how did the primeval man progress? 

A.: I have experienced all the changes. 

And will in a few short words relate to you: 

At our creation's morn, I and my bonnie Eve. 

Bore more similitude to brute than man. 

We roved around the field like other beasts; 

We had no need of work to feed our body, 

As earth's fair brow, set for us anywhere, 

A bounteous table of richest viands. 

G.: But were they not cold, raw and unpalatable? 

A.: We ate things raw, though not less savory. 

Cooking is the enfeebling mode of this age. 

Engendering disease and human weakness. 

We, the primeval man, were enduring. 

We had good lungs, liv'd long, and were quite tough. 

Instinct our guide, with touch of dawning reason. 

Thus pass'd an epoch on, while our tissues, 

Fibres and bones, grew finer in texture, 

Emerg'd then into the pastoral age. 

Our mental faculties kept on growing, 

Reason increased, as did our numbers. 

We were governed first by patriarchs, 

Then judges wise; then by the rod of kings. 

Whilst in our midst did rise prophets and seers. 

Gr.: Ha! ha! I heard of that succulent age. 

When patriarchs and kings had so many wives. 

A.: True son, our rulers then took many ribs. 

Scott free walk'd rape throughout the land; 

Our reason was then yet benighted. 

And brutal force swayed its potent sceptre. 

Then came the age of soldiery and classes, 

Caesars ruled with tyrannical sway; 

Reason was then still in darkness clouded. 

Envy, jealousy and revenge. 

Held their carnival of destruction. 

Thousands were slaughtered in battle array. 

False prophets rose superstition to inflame. 

Then in Judea, arose a God inspir'd man. 

To ameliorate the evils of mankind. 

He to them spake in parables and figures, 

Best suited to the knowledge of his time. 

This benefactor and his followers. 

Donated to us the holy Bible. 

Time passed, religion worked mighty deeds, 

Until again a host of false prophets r^e, 

Cloisters became the asylums for crime. 

And priestcraft ruled with nefarious sway, 

'Til Luther challenged open war to them. 

Just then by an allwise decree I fell asleep. 

An hour ago I heard the trumpet sound: 

Awake! awake! awake! Adam awake! 

I rose, my voyage to renew. 

But pray, how is the world progressing now? 



138 PARADISE NOT LOST. 

[Progressive Persimmons.] 
G. : Ttiou wislit to l<;now what the world has done since? 
You shall behold the city in its pride. 
Mankind is progressing onward still, 
Grand are the things we have accomplished. 
You'll see our coach, the airy ship pass by, 
Control we do the wind, ride on the tempest n,eck. 
Unveiled we have the vestibules of many worlds. 
Analyzed and decomposed form and matter. 
Made each atom bring forth its hidden pow'r. 
Our intellect is now not more benighted. 
We act no more on faith; but fact and reason. 

The whistle and rattling of a fire engine is heard without, Adam 
looks out, shows fright. 

A.: O, Son! what monster spitfire is that? 
Eschewing such hideous cries — comes it from hell? 
Or is he but a screeching dread dragon? 
G.: Be not afraid, I see thy old limbs tremble. 
Such monsters as you name, travel no more. 
On earth's fair brow amidst its hills and valleys; 
Except as servile ministers to man. 

The whistling, rolling and puffing of a railroad engine and cars Is 
heard without — both look out. 

G. : This is our agent steam — our coach on land. 
You see the good old time, when man traveled 
On foot, or on the elephant's broad back. 
Has pass'd away, now, ev'ry bog-trotter 
Rides like a lord, in a steam car. 
With swiftest speed, crossing o'er hill and plain; 
Against which the gait of the fastest steed, 
Is but the crawling of the snake. 

Looks out again, while a blaze of fire appears at R. out of 
sight, but its light is visible. Adam becomes excited, hops around. 

A.: Behold the raging fire — sure flames of hell. 
G.: Nay, sire, be not afraid some careless Bridget, 
Of larder fame, has left unguarded her cook-stove; 
But it will be extinguished in no time. 

Rattling and whistling of fire engines is heard outside where 
light comes from, some firemen are also seen running across the 
stage towards the fire. « 

G. : This machine you see there, is a fire engine 

Constructed by speculative bold men. 

Sire, you see we're familiar with fire. 

Which in your time, was thought an element of hell. 

We harnessed it, to serve the comfort of mankind. 

[Noise of engine ceases, and blaze dies away.] 
Nay, what is more we now control Jove's thunder, 



PARADISE NOT LOST. I39 

The lightning's streak flashing athwart the sky, 

They all now yield obeisance to our will. 

A.: 'Tis marvelous; men are becoming gods. 

Gr.: Why, good sire, we have astronomers, 

Who measure the circumference of the heavens. 

Know their distance, motion, hour and minute, 

When sun, moon and stars will pass a certain point. 

Through their telescopes, they gaze into 

Boundless space, examine and view there, 

Inhabitants of divers distant globes. 

We now do use telegraph wires, 

Which with lightning's quickness, set us in rapport 

With our brother man, on earth's farthest bounds. 

Man is no more Egyptian, Jew, Arab, 

Roman or Greek — but cosmopolitan. 

Yet, more than all, our thoughts are now, 

Transmitted through the air and endless space. 

Now, man communes with his fellow man. 

O'er ocean wide, by the sympathetic light of psyche; 

And continents are joined by the bridge of love. 

Along which speeds the soul's electric spark. 

Thus when the batt'ry of two souls is closed, 

They comprehend each other's thoughts. 

And feel the beating of their hearts as one, 

Though bodily ten thousand miles apart. 

[Adam hobbles around uneasy.] 

A.: 1 am afraid I am not for your times. 
Oh! oh! give me the good old tima again. 
. G.: Yet patient be good sire, we do still more, 
We now commune with our dead friends. 
And with the world's great creator direct. 
We need no more, the intervention. 
Of prophets, seers, necromancers. 
Charlatans, mediums and humbugs. 
No more mediators, or vicarious atonement, 
Forged is the soul's chain, joining us to God. 
No more sacrifices, and sacerdotal robes. 
Our hearts en rapport beat with the creator. 
At first we were only animal-men. 
Then we became contemplative beings. 
Of late we have advanced into the spirit realm. 
With thoughts sublime, and heavenly desires. 
Now reigns supreme perfect freedom. 
And swords are made into plow-shares. 

[Music heard in the distance and shouts of joy.] 

A.: But hark! What's that? Celestial music! I hear a choir 
of angels sing. 

G.: Yes, sir, angels, but without wings. They are celebrating 
the 4th of July— the anniversary of the establishment of liberty. The 



140 PARADISE NOT LOST. 

city is hard by here, and soon you will see them. But what has 
brought you in this grove? 

A.: I pray you tell me the name of this grove? 

G.: I believe they call it Edgewood. 

A.: Just before I awoke I dreamt that in Edgewood Grove, Eve, 
my partner, slept. 

G.: What! your whilom Eve buried here? 

A.: So the oracle said into my ear — and that if I would be at 
this hour here she would awake by my magic touch, and with me 
walk along to see the world's progress. 

G.: Things begin to look strange. Here to restore to life the 
mother of mankind. However, I'm always ready to help a man to a 
wife. 

[Searching, finds pick in weeds.] 

So here we go for business first, and afterward for pleasure. 

[Searching around grove.] 

If anywhere she is, she must repose in this bank of moss. 

[Commences to use pick at bank.] 

G.: Going, going — not a kingdom for a horse, but a kingdom for 
a wife. 

After working a little with pick, Adam putting rubbish away, 
pick strikes on metal. 

G.: Here we got the old girl. Old man brace up — ^brace up. 

He now pulls out a metallic coffin, looking rusty outside. Adam 
shouts for joy and faints. 

G.: Brace up, brace up, old man. Married folks need strong 
joints and. stiff upper lips. 

Adam recovers and both pry open the lid. Adam shouts again 
and bends over coffin. 

G.: Here we got her, as fresh as a daisy. I told you so, I told 
you so. 

Gimcrack commences to rub her now all over. They lay her first 
on bank. She appears with flowing long white hair and oriental dress. 
Adam holds bottle to her nose. 

G.: I'm afraid we will have hard work to resuscitate her, as 
she appears to be rather tough. But still my magnetism will bring 
her to, if there is yet a spark of life. That's right old fell, give her 
the bottle — it either cures or kills. 

He now takes an instrument from pocket, looking like a toy bat- 
tery and holds it to her feet. 

G.: I'm lucky that I took this morning this galvanic battery along 



PARADISE NOT LOST. 141 

— to prevent the lightning striking me. Now I'll give her a dose of 
it. This will fetch her. 

After awhile Eve commences to show life; twitches, sneezes- and 
draws up her limbs. They help her up now. 

G.: Brace up; brace up, old woman. Your Adam has not yet 
passed in his check. 

They get her now on feet. She becomes more vivacious. They 
recognize each other, and Adam and Eve embrace, amid exclamations 
of joy. Gimcrack stands apart. 

G.: I told you so, I told you so — there is always a woman in the 
case. 

[To them.] 

Hymenial occasions are always graced with a song — particularly 
a wooden, silver, golden, centennial or a millennial wedding like this. 

[Again the Cat.] 

[They sing now — join hands — Eve in the middle.] 
A.: I have this wife the joy of my new life. 
G.: She's his wife — the joy of his new life. 
Eve: Good friends, what is this all about? 
I heard the trumpet sound so loud, 
What am I and how came I here? 
Why sleeping in this rusty bier? 
A.: Your husband I, came to relieve you 
To pass with me a new life through. 
G. : To bring you out I hove the pick. 
My batt'ry made your heart tick, tick. 
I told you so, I told you so. 
And pray don't you forget it. 
E.: It is then true, that 'n6ath this cofRn lid, 
I slept thousands of years, alone, amid 
The shrubs and ferns and reeds of this lone grove. 
Till my old stick came here along to rove. 
A.: Yes, Eve, my rib, I came, with thee to sprout, 
Along life's path to cheer thee up aloud. 
A new life.'s lease we got from him on high. 
Therefore, let's praise give him. up in the sky. 
Chorus: Thus sweet ought matrimony be. 
Yes, bonnie wives and husbands true; 
Be always cheerful and on the high C. 
This only — only this — you will not rue. 

Cannon shot heard in the distance and music out of view play- 
ing star-spangled banner. Gimcrack pulling them along, saying: 

G. : Well, my ancient friends, 'tis time, the signal of the fete has 
just been given. If you want to see the new world on a 4th of July, 
you better come along. 

[At wing — aside.] 



142 PARADISE NOT LOST. 

And I have to hurry up to put the fool's cap on that other chap — 
else he might chuckold me. [Exeunt.] 

Scene 2 finds us in the metropolis, which is dressed in its Sun- 
day clothes and in gala appearance, with floating banners and bunt- 
ings from every window and house-top, while its park in the middle 
with its green sod, its flowers and shrubs, its playing water fountains, 
its promenades and its liberty pole, with the eagle and the flag of 
freedom on its pinnacle, presents an attractive view. On looking 
around the city we find its modern improvements, its stores and 
workshops. Here we find the result of genius, the traveling by bal- 
loon and steam car. Yonder we behold the observatory, with its tele- 
scope, showing us distant planets. Turning again we find the fire 
engine to keep the demon fire in check. We ambulate around and 
we see hundreds of new inventions of equal importance. Finally we 
see entering a multitude of people enjoying themselves in singing 
and dancing. A band discourses patriotic and enchanting airs. First 
we meet Miss Tomboy, the despoiler of the peace of our two friends, 
Gimcrack and Puresimpleton, whom we met before. She is found 
rocking herself in a swing, conversing with a lady friend. 

L. : And you say, your country Adonis will be here today, at our 
4th of July celebration? 

[Tomboy gets out swing and they come front.] 

Tom.: Aye, Miss! Philosophy Gimcrack will come, you bet. 
And I shouldn't wonder if not also another country pumpkin will be 
here to smole on me. 

[Shakes finger at her] 

L.: You are doing then a heavy" business in swains. But beware 
that you don't get caught. 

T.: ^The more the merrier. You see Gimci^ack is such a deuce 
of a rake, so I thought to make him a little jealous by corresponding 
with another saphead, who will climb for me the liberty pole as a 
sign of recognition, wearing a red kerchief. So look out for fun. 

L.: You are a mischief-maker — a thorn which pricks the soft 
spot of the lads. 

T.: Aye! I prick them to the quick, to get all the fun out of 
them. But on such good luck let's sing our new song. 

(The Maidens'- Trust.) 

Both: We'll have some fun — ^we make them run. 

To buy us ice cream by the ton. 

And make them swear they will us pair. 

Or else die lonely in despair. 

T.: But let them rave and their hearts heave. 



PARADISE NOT LOST. 143 

I do not care a straw for grief, 

Tomorrow they will 'gain play mischief, 

And break their oaths of straw like thieves. 

Both: Tomorrow they will 'gain play mischief, 

And break their oaths to us like thieves. 

T. : So better we do keep quite cool, 

And let them not of us make fools; 

In agitation keep their hearts. 

For this brings out their nobler parts. 

L.: But oh! don't you pull cupid's string, 

It will make your female heart ring. 

Thus many times, I tried it often, 

Till my poor heart began to soften. 

T.: Now pray don't you get pathetic, 

I am no m^le athletic. 

My heart is not made of cold stone. 

But burns like fire, right to the core. 

Both: The lads they love us maidens well, 

Oft do they us their passions tell. 

What havoc our blue eyes have made. 

Their hearts to splinters turned quite mad. 

But trust them not, but trust them not. 

We maidens trust them not — we trust them not. 

We told you so, we told you so. 

And pray don't you forget it. 

Orchestra now plays a patriotic air, while enter a lot of girls 
in white dresses, with garlands of flowers around their heads, fol- 
lowed by a crowd x>f men carrying banners and by the music band 
playing. The girls link hands and make some evolutions around lib- 
erty pole while singing. 

[The Day of Jubilee.] 

Chorus: Oh, goddess of liberty. 
We are happy and free; 
And may this freedom's tree. 
Remind us of sweet liberty; 
Sweet liberty— sweet liberty. 
We will sing glory to thee. 
Let all nations gladly bow. 
Before thy exalted throne; 
No care sits now on our brow; 
Happy and free we live now. 
Therefore, all praise to thee, 
Goddess of liberty — goddess of liberty. 

Pyrotechnics are now displayed and the band plays dance music, 
and they all dance while enter at R. wing, Simon Puresimpleton in 
former dress, while Miss Tomboy (not dancing) waves a white hand- 
kerchief, and Simon at once rushes to pole and climbs up. After 
which enters Gimcrack with Adam and Eve. He has a foolscap with 



144 PARADISE NOT LOST. 

bells in hand. He laughs and rushes up to pole, tying cap to string 
fastened to pole and pulls cap up. 

Gim.: I told you so, I told you so, 
That I would handicap him so. 
And pray don't you forget it, 
That it was me who did it. 

While Adam and Eve look astonished around, finally they also 
dance. After a few turns Adam throws crutches away and dances 
lively with Eve. After Simon has reached top, he swings his hat. 
Foolscap has then also arrived. Hat falls and he puts cap on, while 
Gimcrack rushes up to Miss Tomboy. They embrace. Simon shakes 
fist at them angrily, while they make gestures of derision, as the 
curtain drops. 

THE END. 




OUR DOUGHTY CANTINIERS 




or 



Courting the Wrong Lass 



A Pen Sketch in Lighter Vein 



Chapter I 
A Morceau of Madrigal Flavor 

Chapter II 
Patriotic Sauce in an Indian Dish 



SYNOPSIS 

OF A 

LIBRETTO 

FOR 

COMIC OPERETTA. 



CASTE OF CHARACTERS: 

Principal Offenders, Alias Fun Purveyors. 

Michael Hayseed Our German Cousin 

Ben and Tom His male scions 

Barney 0'Keef....A rustic old Irish gintleman of the rale ould stock 

Patrick One of his grown up cubs 

Major Tick A shaver on principles 

Bob Codfish Succulent with the Lassies 

Primrose The dark horse in the Lover's Game 

Mrs. O'Keef Crossing the domestic rubicon with a broomstick 

Auntie Peg ' A lively girl for her age 

Marguerite and Catharine 

The rival Cantiniers, playing it deuced sharp on the boys 



OUR DOUGHTY CANTINIERS. 147 



CHAPTER I. 



Scene: A Military Fort among the Indians of the western frontier. 
Time — Day. 

Before the curtain rises, the clack of hatcheling is heard, and 
when it rises it reveals a party of country women, engaged in hatchel- 
ing. They sing: 

[The Hatchling Bee.] 

Chorus: Crack, crack, crack, whack, whack, whack, 
We work with our hatchels. 

Peg: Prepare the hemp for shirts and for Yankee satchels. 
To get new clothes and throw away our old patches. 
And furnish hempen, flaxen, bright color'd dresses 
For rustic lads, our boys in blue and our lassies; 
So that they charm our love lorn youths of sailor's hatches 
Unite these ardent mokes, they make explosive matches. 
In this fair land, we love a rumpus and a racket. 
Relish to rove on foot, or rail, or steamboat packet. 
And all the Yankee chaps of this happy fast free land 
- Ambition mad, hanker to be its president. 
Chorus: Crack, crack, crack, whack, whack, whack. 
There go again our hatchels. 
Peg: In western life we have no strife. 
Good will and peace by us are rife. 
Turnips our food, on cabbage we do thrive. 
Roast beef, and pork, we eat with fork and knife. 
In homely garb we roam about, 
In politics we are quite loud. 
Thus ever be our Yankee land of freedom. 
Free thought and press, not tied by creeds or serfdom. 
Chorus: Crack, crack, crack, whack, whack, whack. 
We work with our hatchels. 

Bonnie Kate, a branch of the O'Keef's trees, and Marguerite, a twig 
of our Dutch landsman. Hayseed, have a little innocent fun with their 
fervent adorers, Ben and Bob, but the girls won't spark, not a nickel's 
worth, only for pastime, sui generis — cum grano sails. A hatcheling 
bee is in progress when our valiant Bob enters backward from the 
kitchen of the O'Keefs, pursued by Mrs. O'Keef and a broomstick. 
The old lady looks rather lynx-eyed at the adorer of her daughter 
Kitty, as his memory is rather weak as to the payment of his weekly 
hash-bill. After they have sufficiently cooled off, they express their 
too, too acute "feelins" in the following song: 
[Cupid's Foibles.] 

Mrs. O'K. : You rascal will get married, 

But I'll take care you shan't. 

Bob: But Mistress Keef, be not so deaf 

You see a lover's bleeding reef. 



148 OUR DOUGHTY CANTINIERS. 

Chorus:- Yes, be not deaf, to his rib and reef. 

His loving heart, comes else to grief. 

O'K.: You silly rooster stop to crow, 

Chorus: Kickerikue, kickerikue, kickerikue. 

O'K.: This broomstick I'll on you bestow. 

Pay your hash bill, it is antique. 

Before you get so romantic. 

Bob: Dilly-dally, woman's tackle. 

Will this grey hen cease to cackle? 

Chorus: Kluck, kluck, kluck, kluck, kluck or cackle. 

Let this grey hen kluck or cackle. 

Bob: I'll splice this lass; you go to grass. 

Don't give me more your apple "sass." 

Chorus: O yes, let him have his gay lass. 

He has concealed away some cash. 

Mrs. O.K. and Bob: Springtime is for spawning. 

And proud lads go mooning. 

On hill or valley, 

Youths love to dally. 

Chorus: O yes, let him have his pert lass. 

He has concealed away some cash. 

[Bob going out says:] 

Bob: I'll be revenged on your sex — I'll be revenged, I will get 
married. 

Among the women hatcheling is one Peg (not a bushel) who has 
a husband cognomened Major Tick. The latter's profession is bor- 
rowing, keep shady under the barrel, and at sober times wink at the 
"widders." He now enters, and Peg, for sheer joy, kicks with her 
dainty boot (only number tens) her lord's hat off, revealing a bald — 
a very bald upper story, They make, then, the air resonant with the 
following vocal ebullition: 

[A Matrimonial Fusillade.] 

T.: A jollier wife I ne'er had in my life. 

Chor.: A jollier wife he ne'er had in his life, 

A jolly old and buxom wife. 

T. and P.: Though old in years — we banish tears. 

Love probed by age — gives us good cheers. 

T.: I though oft you're cross, you old puss cat. 

Chorus : Miew — miew — miew. 

T'.: Then in the house, I play the rat, 

Broomhandles fly, sauce pans and shears. 

With which you often pinch my ears. 

Peg.: These are earmarks, you old gray sinner. 

By which love comes ahead the winner. 

For oftentimes you take a cocktail horn, 

As if lord of creation you were born. 

T. and P.: Though old in years — we banish tears. 

Love probed by age — gives us good cheers. 



OUR DOUGHTY CANTINIERS. 149 

Marguerite, the merry German maiden, has now a customer 
on the barber's stool, and in view of the fact that a dime is in sight, 
she lets her soul fly, and warbles the following lines: 

[The Merry Tonsorial Maid.] 

Mar.: I am a jolly barber's maid. 

On all young fellows make a raid. 

I scoff at city's belles so staid, 

No health to make their souls elate. 

Chorus: The jolly barber's maid 

Makes on young lads a raid. 

Mar.: I can cook a square meal, 

And am the razor's bee. 

I take no taffy and gum drops, 

And box the laddie as he pops. 

Chorus: She is the jolly barber's maid, 

For all young lads a welcome bait. 

Mar.: Like mountain birds, we live jolly and free. 

And once a while we have a hatcheling bee. 

When homespun dresses are made for the lassies 

And hemp prepared for the boys' cuirasses. 

Chorus: She is a jolly barber's maid. 

For all young lads a welcome bait. 

Old Hayseed exits into house. She now shaves customer. 

Our friend. Major Tick, having in the meantime borrowed money 
enough to water his salivatory glands, becomes now rather too fa- 
miliar with the bifurcated damsels, that is too much for his honest 
Peg, and after she has hauled him off by the ear and brought him 
near to her palpitating heart, they sound Orpheus' lyre with such 
paroxismal sweetness that the old master himself would hawe listened: 
[An Old Duffer's Menu.] 

Tick: And that's the "raeson," 

In springtime "saeson." 

An old cock in the dark, 

Loves to go on a lark. 

Peg.: Kickerikue, kickerikue, kickerikue. 

Chorus: Yea, loves to go on a jolly lark. 

He loves a lass, and a horn in th' dark. 

Tick: Yes, plenty cash and old age, 

Is with the widows all the rage. 

To live and love till good old age, 

Converts the sinner to a sage. 

Chorus: Yes, loves to go on a jolly lark, 

He loves a lass and a horn in th' dark. 

Peg: My jolly, jolly, old gray duffer, 

What care you though my feelings suffer. 

Tick: No, dear Peg, never let your soul boil over. 

If your old Tick plays to the girls the lover. 

Peg: Take care, take care, don't you get up my dander. 



150 OUR DOUGHTY CANTINIERS. 

I quarter else you masculine offender. 

Chorus: Beware, beware, she'll fly unto your gable, 

Subdue a woman's fury you're not able. 

Bob and some carpenters having a job in the Fort enter now, 
and Tick takes the opportunity to chaff Bob about Kitty, his flame. 
Finally, they give vent to their feelings in song. 
[The Jolly Coterie of Blade Artists.] 

Tick: Ye carpenters and Journeymen, 

Stand in a line and show your plane. 

Break not with axe or sharp bucksaws, 

The ladies' hearts and cupid's laws. 

Chorus: Shave, brothers, shave with care 

Shave smooth with care the fair. 

Bob: You old sinner, go to dinner, 

You are not a ladies' killer. 

Yet still you are drum major Tick, 

With little brains, my dear old Nick. 

Chorus: Shave, brothers, shave with care. 

Boards and plank smooth as hair. 

Kate: You men follow my example. 

And let these sweet ladies amble. 

I take no stock in man's parole. 

And need no masculine patrol. 

Chorus: Shave, brothers, shave with care. 

Boards and planks smooth as hair. 

Old Hayseed rushes now from his booth, having discovered a leak 
in his beer barrels, requesting the cai'penters to stop it. They cheer- 
fully consent to discharge this, one of their patriotic duties, and 
amid the clack of their mallets and beering their inner man, they 
stop the lea^s while singing a cantata: 

[The Jolly Coterie of Blade Artists.] 

With chissels and saws. 

We dovetail the flaws. 

And glue them tight across. 

Aft symmetrical laws. 

With cleaver and lever. 

And planer we bevel. 

Our work O. K. and right. 

And at evening tide. 

We leave labor's delight. 

And sing to lassies bright. 

Or stroll with them at night. 

Beneath the moon's pale light. 

Clack, clack, clack, goes our hammer. 

Onward we go forever. 

With hearts rejoicing loud, 

And sweat on our fair brows. 

We produce the people's comfort, 

To gain their round applause. 



OUR DOUGHTY CANTINIERS. 151 

Despise not then the noble mechanic, 

He is the nation's great protoplastic. 

And then three cheers for our beery host. 

In hops and malt his noble self is lost. 

Thus beef and beer which give us vital strength, . 

We always welcome if within arm's length. 

Then three more rousing cheers for malt and hops, 

The lassies and our German merry host. 

Clack, clack, clack, goes our hammer. 

Onward we go forever. 

These jolly patriots of the plane having now gone, and our Bob 
is' left alone on the stage exercising his amatory emotions with a 
plane, when the melody of the merry German maiden — his other 
flame — strikes his unsophisticated long ears. He hears, but sees her 
not. 

[The Hidden Treasure.] 

I. I'm Mag with auburn tresses, 
And I own queenly eye-lashes, 

With eyes that shed soft radiant light. 
Or flash with scorn, like meteors bright. 
Love buoys our souls, o'er life's troubled sea. 
As all men love a bright skipping she. 

II. Yet girls beware, treat all the boys with care, 
For cupid is a dangerous rough bear. 

In rosy scarlet robes he pries about. 
And utters fervent prayers to us aloud. 
But offer him a sip, he wants the whole lip. 
Not satisfied with th' tip, he hugs the whole rib. 

Marguerite, the jolly German maiden, having now presumably de- 
scended from the hay loft, where erstwhile she "had been chanting, 
appears now on the scene, and finally yields to the urgent request of 
our Bob to open the stopcock of her musical valve and sing for him 
again a song, which she does, and over which Bob feels his manly 
pride to mount his cheek, as a triumph of mind over matter. 
[The Triumph of Mind O'er Matter.] 

Marg.: Bob Codfish, Bob Codfish, Bob Codfish, 
I like to marry whom I wish; 
As fast departed is one lover, 
" When quickly ogling me another. 
Chorus: Killarney lads, O, punch with care, 
The lassies at Donnie Brook fair. 
Marg.: I shave the lads quite clean and square. 
That their appearance may be fair. 
But for myself, I love no lad 
Who has no hair on lip or head. 
Chorus: Killarney, lads, O, punch with care. 
The lassies at Donnie Brook fair. 
Bob: Bless the ladies, bless the ladies. 
For like fairies, and like babies. 



152 OUR DOUGHTY CANTINIERS. 

Spooking, roaming in this gay world around, 
To the music of love's sweet dulcet sound. 
Chorus: Sisters, sisters, sharpen your keen scissors, 
To shave with care all coy male visitors. 

This little diversion of the jolly German maiden, has been watched 
by Master Primrose, an accepted adorer of hers; whom she thought 
absent on a journey abroad, but who had kept his weather-eye peeled, 
and determined to watch his charmer, a little incognito. Under these 
trying circumstances, he sets his teeth firmly, and resolves to watch 
the seemingly clandestine intended meeting of his dulcina, and that 
treacherous Bob, at ten p. m'. that very_night. The hatcheling party 
goes now to lunch, leaving our sedate friend Primrose, and Pat, his 
chum, on the scene. The latter consoles him, and thusly they sing. 
Pat holds up a glass with beer. 

[A Specific] 

Pat: Do not mind it my dear Primrose, 

In this alone we find repose. 

Prim.: In future I'll believe you Pat, 

I'll stick to beer, it m-akes us fat. 

But then that girl, it makes me swear, 

I thought she was so true and fair. 

Pat: Believe them not, believe them not, 

They're always true till they are caught. 

Prim.: I did not think, she would coquet 

With this cross-eyed carpenter's rat. 

Pat: God bless your soul, they all do it, 

If they can get a buxom fit. 

So calm yourself, so calm yourself, 

Your pert lass is a fickle elf. 

Both : Let's follow suit, in that same groove. 

All men and women onward move. 

They exeunt now, and after a little while enters on the scene 
our German citizen, Hayseed, smoking out of a "Vaterland" pipe, the 
smoke of which so elevates his soul that it bubbles forth in a German 
song: 

[Nicotinae.] 

Wenn mein Pfeifchen dampft und gluhet, 
Und der Rauch mir um die Nase ziehet, 
Dann schwingt mein Geist sich auf zum Rand, 
Da, wo ist das gelobte Land. 
Chorus: Eine Pfeife voll Taback 
Ist der Gotter rein Geschmack! 

A new victim for Marguerite's razor comes upon the scene, and 
full of elation at the prospect of another dime, they sing the following 
lines: 

[The Grin Fantasia.] 
Mar.: I, Gretchen and my nightingale. 
Were riding on a railroad train, 



OUR DOUGHTY CANTINIERS. 153 

And all the boys within the car, 
Were smoling at me from afar. 
Chorus: Then let them smole from points afar, 
While riding in a railroad car. 
,Mar.: The chap beside me smoled so hard, 
So that I thought he were all heart. 
He cocked his eyes, hie ears grew long. 
His hair erect, his nose astride. 
His pulse beat fast, his face got red. 
His teeth shone forth, as like a gong. 
His mouth expanded a yard wide, 
While humming wistfully ding-dong. 
Chorus: Ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, 
Sing to the merry maid a dingle-dong. 
Mar.: I left the car for him to cheese it, 
I would not stand such tough chin music. 
Chorus: Then let him smole from, points afar, 
While riding on a railroad car. 

Hayseed sings solo; a thrill as "trio trial," etc., as is customary 
in Germany. 

After awhile the hatcheling party returns from lunch, and our 
Irish and German fossils, after lubricating their throats with the cus- 
tomary beverages of their respective countries, entertain very kindly 
feelings for each other, and are rather desirous that their progeny 
should "pair," and at last they give vent to their emotions in patriotic 
songs: 

[Sonata Amor Patriae.] 

O'Keef: On Erin's dells and hills, 

There live the Mac's and O's, 

Land of clear streams and rills. 

Of Shamrocks and Primroses, 

My home where grow the poses. 

Chorus:* Let's take a rest, enjoy the muse. 

And strike a match, or light a fuse. 

O'Keef: The Mac's and O's for freedom rose, 

A gallant race — heroic brave sons. 

And they may yet — the future knows, 

Free themselves from shackles base. 

Chorus: Let's take a rest, enjoy the muse, 

And strike a match, or light a fuse. 

Hay.: Am. Rhein, am Rhein, am lieben Rhein, 

Da wachsed, da wachsed, der Goetter Wein, 

Belebt den Youngen mit frohen Muth, 

Und kommt dem Alter auch zu Gut. 

Chorus: Let's take a rest, enjoy the muse. 

And strike a match, or Ught a fuse. 



154 OUR DOUGHTY CANTINIERS. 



CHAPTER II. 



The second chapter brings us into the shades of evening, under 
the ambient light of a silvery moon. Marguerite and Kate have come 
out of their respective homes to have a little sport with their admir- 
ers, Bob and Ben, while the governors' boots rest under the bed, and 
the old women's heads are under the sheets. They concoct a little 
scheme of deception, and then sing, in subdued voices: 

[Shrimps for Two.] 

Kate: We are gay deceivers. 

On the road to teasers. 

In these mountain ranges, 

Hornpipe dance the sages. 

Chorus: Irish and Dutch — Irish and Dutch, 

Happy in each other's warm touch. 

Kate: We love to roam this world about, 

And meet glad hearts from north to south; 

And then turn sail, from east to west. 

Till we have caught him in our nest. 

Chorus: Irish and Dutch — Irish and Dutch, 

Happy in each other's warm touch. 

Mar.: We chirp and carrol, like birds you know. 

O'er heather we skip, 'neath trees lay prone, 

'Till eve, ma says: "Birdie, come home," 

Then hie to bed and sleep alone. 

Chorus: Irish and Dutch — Irish and Dutch, 

Happy — happy as their hands touch. * 

Mar.: Indian squaws, have big jaws. 

And proud lads with buck saws. 

Toy — softly with our hearts, 

Sirloin steak full of warts. 

Chorus: Irish and Dutch — Irish and Dutch, 

Happy — happy as their hands touch. 

Thus having finished, the lively girls agree on a little game of 
deception, to lead their festive adorers astray, should they yet show 
up that night in search of a green spot. The agreement is: that each 
is to counterfeit the 'other, when the lovers come. Then they retire. 
After a while, sure enough Bob descends from his cove to sow his wild- 
oats, and ad interim do a little cooing with one of his turtle doves, 
while the other is presumbaly safely locked in Morpheus' arms. He 
goes in front of her chamber, softly trilling his heartfelt pangs. 



OUR DOUGHTY CANTINIERS. 155 

[Waiting for the Verdict.] ' 

Bob : I am a gay young mountaineer, 

And daily drink ten quarts of beer, 

My rustic home, I love dear — dear. 

When love shall cease this breast to stir. 

Amid the grass and trees I make my bier. 

But now love's spirit sways me here, [points to breast.] 

Therefore I ramble now to find my dear, 

If she will come and press my heart right here. 

Bob facing Marguerite's window, falls on one knee and sings on. 

Bob: Sweet lady of the lane, hear my prayer. 
Rise from thy slumber and come near. 
For 1, thy lover true, is here.' 
Who has come to give you good cheer. 
The nights are long, and days are short, 
So let me see you by love's torch. 

The apparent Marguerite, his dulcina now appears at the window, 
at first she hesitates a little, but finally permits him ^:o enter. They 
sing: 

[The Lover's Peccadillos.] 

Kate: By jove, I had to scratch my knee. 
What ominous matter can it be? 
I've heard some "shentle" tapping. 
While half way, I was napping. 
Re-enter Bob with ladder, puts it at her window and mounts up. 
Bob: 'Tis me, my own sweet love, 
Me — me — my gentle dove. 
Kate: O' mine Bob, is "dat" you. 
Did you come here to miew? 
Bob : Now maiden fair, I pray forbear. 
When in your arms I feel no care. 
Kate: Will you not deceive me? 
Bob: Never, never — never. 
Kate: Did you say no — never, 
Or is this but lather? 

They disappear. After awhile alights our Ben to -meet the ap- 
pointment of his guileless girl. He also kneels, and in brief but elo- 
quent soul-felt, vibrating, vocal music, sends forth his plaint on the 
vesper air, which stillness is only broken now and then by a score or 
so of catcalls, by felines on a similar mission bent. 

[A Hydrocephalic Green Spot.] 

B.: O, she has such a pretty foot. 

With tassels on her dainty boot. 

I love so dear her banged up hair. 

And snow white skirts, which make her fair. 

And then she is so sweet and airy. 



156 OUR DOUGHTY CANTINIERS. 

The pretty flower of the prairie. (Repeat. 

[Falls on one knee facing her chamber and sings on.] 
Yes, love me lass, in an oasis, 
In this mundane wild wilderness. 
Let hymen's torch burn high and bright, 
Though life is dark and naught is right. 
Let's board this barge like Noah's ark, 
Then we needn't fear the world, rough bark. 

The pseudo Kate appears now with lighted candle at window of 
O'Keef's similar located as at Hayseed's. 

[An Aching Feline Duettino.] 

Ben: Kittie, me pretty darling, 
Kept time on forwarning. 
Marguerite opens window, looks out, cat miews behind scene; 
sings — her manner shows surprise. 

M.: Great Caesar, have we any rats? 

I heard a voice, was it the cat? 

Good gracious me, what can it be, ■ 

I hope 'tis not a caterwauling bee. 

B.: Ma Colleen Bawn, 

'Tis me — 'tis me. 

M. : You "foin" rascal, Ben, 

Musha go home, 'tis ten. d 

B.: I won't be cheated out my fun. 

Through fire and water I will run. 

M.: But you cannot get up here, 

As I'm in the second tier. 

B.:- I will get up Kattie, darlint, 

For love has wings to fly up with. 

[He mounts ladder, while cat miews again.] 
M.: But hush — what's that? 
B.: 'Tis nothing but the cat. 
After a mouse or rat. 

The youngsters have, however, mistaken their calculation, as the 
old folks have slept with their weather-eye open, and have discovered 
the Jack 'in the game. They administer now an ample dose of the 
cat-o-nlne-tails all around, when a general explanation ensues, show- 
ing that as yet no serious harm has been done, after which they wind 
up with a song. 

[The Lie Circumstantial.] 

K.: You dear old folks we did no harm 

There is no cause for wild alarm. 

K. and M.: We are gay deceivers 

Not in love believers. 

K.: We put a job on these young fellows 

So that they coo no more so zealous. 

K. and M.: We are gay deceivers, 



OUR DOUGHTY CANTINIERS. ]57 

Not in love believers. 

Mar.: "We had some fun, we made them run 

For their dear lives to save a bunn. 

Thus we treat each naughty Shaughraun, 

Or fry them like flap-jacks dark brown. 

Chorus: Then happy be the bridegroom, 

To have such bride to wash his spoon. 

O'K.: And did you not philopoena noses? 

K. and M. : No — never — roses. 

O'K.: What! Never stuck your bills in eau de roses? 

H.: Yas, did ye ever bevel noses? 

K. and M.: Bevel? Never in such doses. 

H. : You poys you says: your lips touched these gals' lips 

never? 
Ben and Bob: [Both count at Angers.] 
If we ever — once- — twice — ^three times treble. 
K.: Well, no harm done — then let's go to roost. 
Chorus: O yes, we go to roost, 
And all hands take a snooze. 

They are about to retire when forth rushes from his hiding place 
our friend Primrose, who has silently been watching the fun of the 
lassies. He is rather down-hearted at the waywardness of his lass, 
but finally agrees to take her back to his bosom. They express their 
feelings in song: 

[Cupid's Picket Skirmish.] 

Prim.: This naughty lass— this naughty lass, 

For all I care she can eat grass. 

I loved her mad, ev'n to distraction, 

Until my heart was but a fraction. 

Chor.: He loved her madly to distraction. 

Till of his heart she had a fraction. 

Prim.: But Marguerite, you cruel lass, 

You broke my heart into a mesh. 

Mar.: Primrose, don't put on so dreadful 

Tonight you look so dire hateful. 

Nothing is lost, you are still boss, 

So shake, and let us not be cross. 

I thought abroad you were vegetating, 

So with the boys at home I was legislating. 

Prime.: I will not shake with you tonight; 

'Tween us, I think it is not right. 

Chor.: He will not shake hands with his lass; 

He is afraid she might give him the pass. 

Mar.: Give your hand, dear Primrose, to me; 

Tonight we'll have the marriage-bee. 

No, lassie, no, it cannot be so, 

Sporting you were with other lads, oh! oh! 

Mar.: Dear Primrose, now if you don't stop. 

My eyes will cry and heart will flap. 

Prim.: It is then true, that in your heart I sit, 



158 OUR DOUGHTY CANTINIERS. 

And Cupid's flame is still for me there lit, 
Then come and rest on this bosom true, 
You never will this action rue. 

[They now embrace.] 

Chor.: The maiden rests on his bosom true; 
That is what all the maidens do. 

[They now exeunt.] 
After all have now peacefully retired, enter upon the scene the 
Indian warrior, thirsting lor the gore of Uncle Sam's boys in the fort. 
A short engagement ens'ies, but it is stopped in time by the arrival 
of the peace commissioners from Washington, with orders from Uncle 
Sam that the Indians receive in lieu of their native heath some bread, 
ham and worn-out army blankets, with a good deal of whisky. Some of 
the articles are brought in immediately to satisfy the voracious maws 
of the red devils. Our Celtic and Teutonic families, of the Sutler's 
persuasion having been aroused again by the tumult of war, appear 
now below en dishabille; but peace reigns again, as poor Lo sports in 
one hand a piece of bread and in the other a ham, while an open 
thimbleful of fire-water is vibrating in one of his hollow teeth. Then 
they all indulge in a song. 

[The Warrior's Refrain.] 

Com.: Let there be peace among the nations. 
Chief: O yes, we have now plenty rations. 
Com.: What have you done, you miserable wretches. 
Cut off the head of Uncle Sam without patches. 
Chief: Not "mushee" trouble "dat," father Abraham, 
Poor Lo can "fixee" head on dat it matches. 
With porous plaster and a well-smoked ham, 
Stick on these shoulders, head of pale face nation, 
A cabbage head like "that" serves well for our ration. 
Com.: Behold the Indian tribe a part of our nation, ' 
In surgery au fait they spoil our doctors' occupation. 
Ch. and C: We are a conglomerated hotch-potch nation. 
Chinese, Indians, negroes and whites from all creation. 
Beggars, gamblers and knaves, fill our national pools, 
And politicians use our honest men as their tools. 
O land of boasted freedom, land of jams, 
True happiness is but an empty name. 
Chief: Now is our Uncle Sam in Quod. 
Com.: And the red man's tribe is a bad lot. 
During this convivial process, one of the whisky enlivened Indian 
chiefs has a little sport with our Sutler's lassies. They sing: 

[In Clover.] 

Chief: Where shall we three meet again? 
Mar.: We shall meet— by the brook, 
Providing — no ill-luck, 



OUR DOUGHTY CANTINIBRS. 159 

And no black — midnight-spook 
Keeps us back — from this nook. 

All sing chorus. Indian chief swings the flag-pole with ham. 
We are coming, 
We are coming, 
Father Abraham, 
Coming with a ham. 

[Indian Chief, Marguerite and Kate sing.] 

We love — we love the dear red man, . 
And so thus too, our Uncle Sam. 
We make shrewd laws and frame wise saws, 
And fill the Indian Commissioner's maws. 
Then drive poor Lo from, his native land, 
With bread and ham and whisky rank. 

Indian swings pole on which sticks ham, while all join in chorus: 

We are coming. 
We are coming. 
Father Abraham, 
Coming with a ham. 

Now the valiant captain of the U. S. A., having sufficiently 
recovered from his fears of being scalped, indulges in a song: 

[Our Civil Service Reform.] 

Capt.: I am a captain in our Uncle's army, 

Commmissioned by a Congress lobby. 

I labored hard with politics. 

And drilled the boys with whisky sticks. 

At home I played the deuce with bummers. 

And had a squad of voting drummers. 

I thus installed our Congress hubby, 

And he got me in through the lobby. 

In war or peace I am a brick. 

And always live by cheek and tick. 

So if you want a captain be. 

Pray come and see our Uncle's chief D. 

Chor. : Whoever would a captain be, 

Must see our Uncle's chief deputy. 

Capt.: Then frighten not at spectre's looming. 

Our country is still onwards booming. 

Chor.: Then frighten not at spectre's looming, 

Our country is still onwards booming. 

Chief: I am a monarch 'mid these forest trees, 

And I command an army of wild beasts. 

I, as the General of the Indian Nation, 

Must see that my warriors get rations. 

Chor.: We must see that they get plenty rations, 

Else they take our scalps with indignation. 



160 



OUR DOUGHTY CANTINIERS. 



Chief: We are the left-handed sons of this nation, 
Therefore, we must be touched with care and patience. 
We have papooses, proud braves and humble squaws, 
Whisky and national ham fill our maws. 
Chorus: We are coming. 

We are coming, 

Father Abraham, 

Coming with a ham. 



MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 



161 




GODDESS OF LIBERTY. 



I heard thy shout at the banks of the Rhine, 

At the Moselle and near the placid Seine, 

Nay, thy triumphant shout, is, once a while. 

Heard in every zone and farthest clime, 

In ages past as well as in the present. 

Amid the cannon's roar and battle sound. 

It is thy shout which fires the soldiers on— 

Madly on, to face* death at the cannon's mouth. 

To gain thy laurel wreath, and set it on 

Their regal brows. From mouth to mouth 

Along the rank, line, flank and plattoon'd file. 

Pass thy inspired, words — "March on! March on!" 

Till the battle field is .filled with one great chorus, 

From the shouts of fighting, noble heroes, 

"Down with tyrants! Vive la liberty!" 



II. 

Well may they shout, all freedom-loving men. 
The cause is grand, and sublime the end. 
'Tis the only cheer of the dying hero. 
Lying on the bloody battle field, 
"Who joins, in a soft and dying whisper 
With his comrades in the song of liberty, 
And with its dying chords, sails to that shore 
Where freedom reigns for ever more. 



162 MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 

Nay, what is more, at that battle chorus 
Dry bones seem to rise, for a quick moment, 
Their withered flesh receiving new living souls. 
While joining in the thunder-storm of shouts, 
"Down with tyrants! Vive la liberty!" 

III. 

"O goddess of liberty! at thy shrine 

Let Rulers, Kings and Caesars humbly bow. 

Knaves and traitors fear, shake and tremble. 

Whether they are near the Rhine or at the Seine — 

Any where on earth's brow — before 

The shining light of thy exalted throne. 

Standard of sweet liberty, unfold thyself! 

Wave o'er all nations in every clime. 

Without distinction as to their rank and file. 

Pray, show an overbearing Bonaparte 

That freedom must have its triumphal march. 

Teach King William and all monarchs 

That freedom must its scepter sway, 

Whether monarchs will say yea or nay!" 

A united Germany of free men. 

Not slaves, let be your watchword, German men! 

Be ye sentinels on the watch-tower 

Of liberty, and with one voice shout, 

"Down with tyrants! Vive la liberty!" 

IV. 

Frenchman — you who are defiant, bold and brave — 

Bow not your heads and serve, as plebeian slaves 

To haughty tyrants' nefarious plans. 

We're all brethren, Avhether German or French, 

Or live in a far more remote land. 

For us all, the inspiring word is "onward!" 

And we, in this from you far distant land, 

Though yet an imperfect freemen band, 

We worship at this goddess' shrine. 

And if your shouts, which swell along 

On both sides of your majestic battle lines. 

Are in accord with freedom's march divine, 

We would gladly join your thundering chorus, 

On both lines, and shout for joy with you, 

"Tyrants down, and vive la liberty!" 



MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 163 



THE WRETCH AT SEA. 



The tale I have to tell you is of yore; 
Concerns myself, my fate and nothing more. 
I, the hunch-back, sat on a lonely cliff, 
'Round me, like with a gird, was 1 ocean-bound. 
Far from the land of wines and floral bowers, 
I sat there, shipwrecked; while. within my soul 
'Twas dark, and in its depth there raged a storm 
Like the storm beneath, around, above, me; 
While angry waves were dashing 'gainst my bark, 
And then a short way off were coral reefs, 
Amid of which the foaming waves mounted 
Like towers; my heart beating with despair, 
And brains burning with hatred to mankind, — 
For I was crooked in body and in mind. 
Said I, "Why am I deformed and ill-shaped? 
Why has nature played me such a burly trick? 
That men use me like a common walking-stick. 
Despise me, hate me, chase me, as they would 
The tiger or other forest brutes. 
Is there no refuge for this bruised soul?" 
And I heard a hidden voice say, "No, no, no." 



II. 



Wondering, fearing what that voice meant with "no, 
Said I, "Friend or fiend, man or ghost, I do 
Implore, if thou hast heard my heart's outpouring. 
Do show thy face jto this poor mortal soul." 
I listen'd now, and in the darkness peering. 
Saw nothing here nor there, but heard repeating 
The fiendish word I heard before, saying "No." 



164 MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 

With the agony of a madman I cried: 

"Oh, for pity! Am I thus forlorn? 

All creation hates me — nay, the very waves 

Around about me keep on growling, scowling. 

Is there for me no healing balm in Gilead?" 

And a mocking voice above me answer'd, "No," 

While the waves repeated, "No, no, oh! no." 



III. 



Now I cursed the wretched fate which I bore, 

While the sea kept on rolling to and fro 

Like one in anger; on her lips she foamed, 

And above the ocean's surging billows' blast 

Were ominous birds of yore, with their long wings 

Flapping the waves, the air, and then 'gainst the cliff 

Which me, its humble, despairing burden, bore, 

While King Storm reigned on the seas and on the shore, 

And the lightning, on his red hot fiery car. 

Sped through the air with many a jar. 

Right close to its side rode the thunderbolt, 

With many a crash and horrid clatter, 

While all 'round me was bleak, like Plutonian night, 

Which made me cry out, "Is there no Saviour 

Who will rescue this poor shipwrecked mortal 

From this nigh approaching, horrid doom?" 

And a shrill, sharp voice, from out the mighty deep, 

In mocking, envious tones, said, "No, oh! no." 



IV. 



While thus engaged in thinking o'er the dread word 
Of "no," and the relevancy it bore. 
All on a sudden the darkness of the welkin 
Vanished instantaneously from my sight, 
And he was then illumed with lurid light. 
While hosts of ghosts, wrapt up in fascinating shapes, 
Danced above me in the now dazzling air, 
When they stopp'd, the foremost of them all, 
(He was their chief, the tallest of the tall), 
Arrayed in golden helmet and purple robe, 
His nether garments were of violet blue, 



MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 165 

While from his face there shone, with fiery glow, 
Two starry orbs which had a sunny hue; 
And thus he spake to me in solemn tones: 
"Proud, frail man of earth, dust and dry bones, 
Why dost thou tear, swear, curse, complain and groan 
Is it not enough that thou art saved alone? 
While ship, crew and all its precious human souls 
Found in the raging sea their grave and goal. 
With patience wait and pray until tomorrow. 
When Heaven will send thee help from the shore." 
But the waves, in envious tones, groaned, "No." 



Then the ghosts and fairies vanished from my sight. 
And all again was dark, like Plutonian night. 
But yet there remained some hope, for I heard 
Delicious music of the parting host. 
Above me in mid air, which melodious strains 
Echoed back Into my soul, "Hope, hope, hope." 
But the storm king said, "No, no, no, no, no," 
While from beneath the angry billows' I heard 
A hollow, grinding voice repeat the word of "no." 
I looked beneath me on the rolling billows; — 

heaven! the picture which I saw makes me faint 
To tell you of. Please let me first take breath. 

1 saw that the bleak, waving, tossing sea 
Was filled with red, piercing and glaring eyes 
Owned by monsters of the deep, of all shapes 
And hues, with open claws and grinding saws. 
Huge tails, fins and wide-open gorges, 
Longing to devour me; with hair and nails. 
All this made my brain burn with madness 
And my heart with hope, fear and sadness. 
Often hoping that the coming morrow 

Would give me freedom and surcease of sorrow 
But all in vain, for from out that darkness 
Came the evil, ominous word of "no." 

VL 

Then my sad thoughts to Heaven turning. 
My brain reeling and my heart burning. 



166 MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 

Asking Heaven's Ruler the why and wherefore, 

Said I — "Why, O King of Heaven above, 

Let'st thou me grope in darkness and not in light? 

Why gavest thou me such a crooked shape. 

And perish in this, so dreary fate?" 

Thus I kept on thinking, dreaming, slumbering, 

Till Aurora, half blushing, half smiling. 

Rose from its nightly tomb, and in its glory 

Beguiling my sad fancy into smiling. 

While on my couch of rock I was reclining. 

The welkin all around its watery crest 

Wore a fiery garland, falling gently 

On his horizontal dark blue breast. 

Thus, while the youthful herald of the day. 

Majestic mounted on his fiery car. 

My hope mounted high, like the morning star. 

I saw, by Aurora's light, the shore afar. 

And in the dim distance I could discern 

Fisher huts, church towers and stately dwellings. 

While church-bells chimed, "Hope, hope, hope, hope, hope. 

But the spiteful waves kept on saying, "No." 



VII. 



People were walking on the distant shore. 
Thus I continued waiting many weary hours. 
Till the meridian sun began to set. 
Said I to myself — "Have they seen me from 
The shore?" And a voice answered back, "O no!' 
Said I: "Fiend, or demon, I do conjure thee. 
By high heaven above us, which we both adore. 
Get thee hence, to thy home of darkness^ 
And leave of thy horried form no sign, nor trace. 
Nor token of thy beak in my sad, sad soul." 
Just then I heard, beneath, a click and clatter 
Of heavy chains, and gratings of iron doors. 
The demons of the deep were departing. 
Now my soul grew serene, basking in calmness, 
Feasting on the radiant sky and zephyr breeze. 
Till my spell of ecstacy was broken 
Only by another rapture of the soul. 
Which now inspired me to whisper "Hope, hope." 



MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 167 

VIII. 

For my vision caught a welcome token, 
In a maiden just then leaving the shore — 
A rare and radiant maiden, with boat and oar. 
My heart was beating louder than before. 
And my hope kept on growing more and more. 
She reached my lonely cliff with boat and oar. 
I, rallying my last nervo-vital power, 
Jumped in the boat and fell unconscious 
At her feet into a deep, calm slumber. 
When I awoke I felt as if being in the land 
Of fairies. I saw, above my chamber door, 
Cherubims, and roseate drapery on the floor. 
While round me, with an artistic hand, 
Were strewn violets and odorous rosebuds. 
On the walls were hanging gorgeous paintings. 
Which clothed in rare and radiant raiment 
The poet's dream and nature's grandeur. 
While, through snow-white window curtains, I saw 
The peep of day. Thus I found myself at shore; 
When gradually the canvasi of last night's scene 
Was spread before the picture gallery 
Of my mind; and then there came the scene 
Where a maiden had relieved my sorrow. 
This roused me to my senses. I half arose 
And looked around, and lo! her angel form 
I saw standing, anxious, watching by my side. 
A kiss, a burst of joy. made us happy souls. 
The sequel was — what need I tell you more?— 
I found happiness still for me in store. 
For you must know that my ill shape 
Was not so much of body as of soul. 
Caused by my ill fate the night before. 



168 MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 



THE SPECTRE BRIDE. 

L 

Once I was a hopeful, happy mortal, 
Living, dreaming of my future state of bliss, 
Roaming always near the shining portal 
Of glory, fame, love and future happiness. 
Thus passed on my verdant youthful morning. 
Alas! my earthly star of hope thus rising 
Was soon to set awhile and then rise again. 
Still I kept on divining how to attain 
Wealth, power and matrimonial bliss. 
While thus dreaming I felt a mysterious 
Rapping at my soul's most inner picture stalls. 
I looked around me, at my soul's chamber walls. 
And lo! a hidden hand — only a hand — 
Was writing on them. I shuddered, grew pale, 
But finally read it thus: "Youthful thrall. 
The victor Death will be thy honeyed bride." 

II. 

This filled my soul with dark, heart-deep sadness. 

And from thenceforth my brain reeled with madness. 

This made me old at the age of twenty-one, 

While scarce my life's pilgrimage had begun. 

It drove away from oft' my else giddy brain 

All youthful yearning and castles in the air. 

The pictures of my past I began to scan. 

While shadowy, dim thoughts came on me dawning, 

Some faint recollections of scenes I had seen 

Somewhere, before my soul had been gowned and clad 

In this present clumsy, withering earthly clod. 

Said I — "If before 1 trod this stage of action 

I may still hope for future life again, 

As I then hoped for' this life, now filled with pain." 

While those pictures were my mind beguiling, 

Half into tears and half into hopeful smiling. 



MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 169 

I heard a voice from some unknown place above: 
"Look on the street, from 'hind your window curtain." 
I looked, and saw a hearse pass on its last ride, 
And the voice said — "There rides thy bride." 



III. 



This last scene filled my soul with bleak night; 
Yet I kept on toiling as I had before, 
With brain heavy, heart sore, more so than of yore, 
Still fighting life's battle with all my might. 
When passing on the street, head full with toil, 
I would somehow, perchance, pass by a store 
Filled with coffins up to the undertaker's door; 
Or, while scheming, a funeral cortege 
Would I see passing by. This made me feverish, 
Reminding me of that something devilish 
Which told me, unasked, that my reward 
Should be the clasp of death — as goal and bride. 

rv. 

Cried I, with heart-rending tones, brain maddening, 

"Ghost, or demon, get thee hence from me! and take 

Thy phantom beak from out this wretched soul." 

T'hus passed on my life, haunted with visions. 

'Mid its toil and strife I saw my waiting doom, 

And often, even in my restless slumber, 

Amid the dreams of wealth, glory and power, 

Or marriage bliss, just at the midnight hour. 

At the stroke of twelve, when all was still and quiet, 

A horrid noise would wake my napping senses. 

Half rising from my couch, I would hear a rattle 

Of door hinges and grating of iron bars; 

My door would then fling quickly open wide. 

And in would come, all robed in white, 

A ghastly female form, dressed like a bride, 

With flowers in hand, and errant eyes. 

Swift footed, like an airy nothing, 

She would flit by and vanish from my sight. 

Then I would hear a voice in shrill tones say — 

"This phantom is thy spectre bride." 



170 MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 

V. 

Thus my soul kept on fretting till one morning, 

One lovely May morning, I was wandering 

Alone, down a rosebud-bordered, green-edged lane; 

I wandered on till I reached a tranquil vale. 

All was calm, as if nature had a holy day. 

Safe beneath my feet I could hear 

The rippling of the brook, saying its prayer, 

While the budding flowers on their knees, did lay 

Their heads on the earth's green breast, and from out 

Their chalice rose a fragrant anthem to God; 

And the green leaves lisped, "Glory to God!" 

On each side mountains rose to sublime heights, 

Piercing through far into the neb'lous clouds. 

VL 

Near me, at the rolling, slanting mountain's edge, 

Stood forest trees clad in enchanting robes. 

Their heads, as if in prayer, lifted up, 

"While birds, nestling 'mid the branches' foliage, 

Filled with their silv'ry merry voices the air; 

And then above the trees appeared the Alps, 

Where the sheep bleat and the shepherd dwells. 

But still farther up I saw moving glaciers. 

Icebergs and gigantic boulders rolling down, 

While on the mountain peaks there was eternal snow. 

All o'er this, from the eastern sky Aurora 

Peeped and threw her glimmering red mantle 

O'er the sky's blue dress and o'er the mountain's 

White vest. While thus the day's herald mounted 

His fiery car, lo! I saw heaven's gate ajar. 

My eyes beheld, as if through glasses, a host 

Of capering angels in radiant garbs. 

Singing and playing on their aeolian harps — 

"We were once in a state of probation. 

And tried in the crucible of patience, 

But now we enjpy Heaven's eternal pleasure." 

The gate was shut ; all earth blazed now with light, 

Since that I have made this scene my beacon light. 



MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 171 



THE WORLD A CURIOSITY SHOP. 



I. 



The world is a great curiosity shop, 

Through which pass the timid, the bold and wild mob, 

Who're yelling, howling and in bearing proud. 

In this shop each one has a stall for his stock: 

The first is the barber, with his barber shop. 

And many he soaps out of his barber pot. 

For many yOung gents and rose-cheeked lasses fair 

Like shaving and powdering of heads and hair. 

'Tis always so when cupid with his bow 

Is gaily dashing forth among the roses. 

The barber's neighbor, is gentle Doctor Crow. 

He plasters your wounds, pills, drugs and doses, 

Until from your cheeks have flown the roses. 

II. 

Straight on the right you find a tailor shop. 

Where costly robes are made for ladies, 

Honest men, male rogues, snobs, and robes 

To deck defective limbs, hunchbacks, or sore chests, 

And hide a ravenous wolf within a lamb's vest. 

Look to the left: there stops a merchant man; 

He gilds his ware and gulls all as much as he can. 

And there is the broker, by his venal side: 

He skins you first and then gently calls it right. 

Then right on in this world-wide notion shop 

You find them all, young and old, saints and sinners. 

All play their part; some lose and some are winners. 



III. 



Some are shallow, contemptible pretenders — 
Weed, chaff, vermin and corruption vendors. 



172 MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 

They pinch, push and often crush their fellow-men, 

Who in life's race are trodden down. 

Some play all dandy, while others play all hog, 

And some dance to the tune of beer and grog. 

Some listen to the tune of a bagpipe. 

While others belong to the canine tribe. 

Some have hearts cold and hard as ice and stone. 

While some have rooms to rent in the upper story. 

The rich man frowns on the poor man's disaster, — 

Nay, the rich man's spaniel knows the dignity 

Of his master. 

IV. 

In this notion shop are brewers, beer shops. 
Thieves, robbers, and a host of drunken sots; 
And there, just near that corner-stone, are stalls 
For doctors, priests, lawyers, all to evil prone. 
'Tis a shop with a variety of colors. 
I Some parts nature's artist painted bright. 

And from them streams a radiant dazzling light; 
But in other parts there reigns Plutonian night. 
It is a rule among frail, fickle mankind. 
To shave each other, in daylight, or by night; 
Yet some men preserve still unsullied hearts. 
Where demons are confounded in their arts. 
Some parts of this shop may blaze with spotted vice, 
Yet other parts are illumed with holy light. 



The moral to which your attention I invite 

Is: Though some man's heart is blue and black as night, 

Yet some spots remain in it which are snow white. 

Virtue is often laid low by cunning or might, 

Either of the body or the shrewd mind. 

Yet from its burial ashes it will rise 

Like a Phoenix, from out the vale of night. 

Up to the mountain height of heaven's beacon light. 

At last grim death comes on life's battle scene 

With his icy finger to close the workshop. 

But far beyond death's confines is seen a light, 

Shining on the transformed man, emerging 

On the distant shore, at the other side. 

To bask henceforth in immortal light. 



MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 173 



LIFE'S GOAL. 



Amid life's dark and serious battle plains 
Man often feels weariness, sadness and pains. 
Then with defiant mien, amid despair. 
He looks up to, and asks the God on high 
The causes, with the wherefore and the why — 
Why bom and robed in this imbecile form? 
The answer is: To aid thy brother man. 
And a voice from Heaven repeats — "Man, 
Aid and love thy brother man." 

IL 

But this motley compound, microcosmic man 

In shrill tones whines, complains and looks askance, 

Asking in plaintive strains, with grudge and grumble, 

Why am I pinched, pushed and often nearly crushed- 

I, who have been called into being unasked. 

By me not called for, nor by me desired? 

I hear the answer whisper in the air: 

"Man is not doomed down to this mundane bier; 

His spirit soars to the celestial sphere." 

III. 

Man, still discontented with his earthly lot. 

Is groping in the dark, 'mid a misty froth. 

He curses, swears, and 'gainst his brother plots, 

Until he bleeds under the chastising rod. 

Swung in accord with the social code, 

In harmony with the law of compensation, 

Laid down by God, Nature and Nations. 

Even Jehovah lives in retribution. 

And Nature acts steady in unflinching laws, 

Joins cause to effect and effect to cause. 

IV. 

Lo! Heaven opens its shining portals wide; 
Forth streams ambrosial radiant light. 
Hark! a heart-winning voice from Eden fair 
Floats to us on the night's calm vibrating air. 
I hear it say: "Man's destined end and aim 
Is, to polish, aid and love his brother man." 
If this be so, I say to you, "Do likewise. 
With this, my wish, I bid you farewell thrice." 



174 MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 



THE DYING BRIDE 
or 
HOPE'S REALIZATION. 



I. 



I still remember well the mournful day, 

Green were the fields, 'twas in the month of May; 

I was in my chamber sitting, dreaming 

"Over my fate the future had in store." 

It was still dark amid the haze of morn. 

While the approaching day sent its herald. 

Trimmed like a Younker, beaming, blinking. 

Night flew away, frightened at the break of day; 

Fairies and pale ghosts hid themselves away. 

All night I had been watching, weeping, 

By Isabell, my dying bride. 

'Twas in the chamber of our ancestors' hall; 

Around us in silence stood the castle wall. 



II. 



My soul within me burning like the ember 

On the floor, 

Weeping to be with her ever more. 

The snow-white cushion which her head bore, 

The roseate cover which enwrapt her form. 

The crimson drapery on the floor, — 

Her cheeks colored like the lily at your 

Garden door. 

'Twas a scene I shall forget never more. 

Smiling at me as she ne'er did before. 

And whispering in my ear, "I cross the sea 

To reach a bright and blissful shore. 

Come! as thou lovest me, be with me ever more." 

Then I heard a sound like the plashing of the oar. 

We thought the boatman had now left the shore. 



MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 175 

m. 

Then my anxiety grew stronger, 

My heart and pulses beating louder; 

I looked around my chamber walls and door, 

On the drawings, paintings and pallid bust 

Of Milton, above me near the ceiling's core. 

Said I, "Hast thou spoken, great master 

Of ancient lore? 

Me thought I saw thee smile and point to 

The other shore. 

If this be so, lift up the pale shadow 

Of my longing soul from out the ghastly floor. 

And let effulgent light illume my soul." 

I could not see his face, but faintly heard 

Him. whisper, "On the other shore 

There is happiness for thee in store." 

IV. 

Then my soul grew calmer beneath 

The burden it bore. . , , 

Solemn silence reigned within my chamber. 

As gray twilight rose from its nightly bier. 

And silence reigned within the atmosphere. 

Presently I heard a flutter. 

Like the rustle, in passing through the air, 

Of an angel sent from Heaven afar; 

I could not see, nor durst speak, nor mutter. 

Lest I might disturb her in the dying hour; 

But, sudden as the lightning's flash, her face 

Grew bright and brighter, by the light of psyche. 

As if in rapport with the boatman 

Who came to bring her to that brightest shore. 



Now I listened more zealous than before. 
To hear the colloquy of the boatman 
With my promised, but now Heaven's bride. 
"Now Isabell," said he, "sweet maiden, 
Art ready to go to the distant Aidenn, 
Where life's tree with bliss is laden? 



176 MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 

My boat will bring thee safe o'er yonder river, 

To thy home where happiness reigns eternal." 

She then, in rapture smiling, nodded, "Yes." 

Now to me turning, said she — "Come! 

Love sublime for thee on earth's sphere I bore; 

Now I sail to the supernal shore. 

To which I hope, and do implore, 

Thou wilt come — there is happiness in store." 



VL 



While thus she spoke the roses in her cheeks 

Bloomed brighter than they ever bloomed before; 

Again I looked, the roses had flown away 

And left the lily on her marble cheeks; 

Then her soul I saw floating in the air, 

Borne by the boatman, solemn and with care. 

Then in the wildness of utter despair 

1 kissed her and wept — her form in death 

Being more lovely than a flower wreath. 

Again grim silence reigned within the walls, 

'Till I heard the echo from the spirit-realm 

Rebound, in mysterious tones and sounds: 

"Wait patiently for thy bride until 

The boatman calls, by tapping at thy chamber 

Walls and doors." 

"Thy will be done," said I, "for ever more." 

VII. 

Sad, with sorrow laden, I laid my head 

Upon my pillow, sobbing for the loss 

Of my beloved, and with reverence adored, 

Dreaming dreams I never dreamt before. 

As with the setting sun next day I waked. 

My darling they had carried from my side 

And gently buried her down deep in mother earth. 

I groaned and sighed over my mishap, 

And dragged my weary limbs and head 

Through life's sea, in storm, sunshine and in wet. 

And every spring the roses bloom above 

Her place, where we laid her form to rest. 



MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 177 

To that place I have often wandered, 
My heart with sorrow laden to outpour, 
With the hope that in Aidenn was happiness 
For me in store. 

VIIL 

Eighty winters have since been flying — 
'Tis just ten years ago when I was dying. 
.Frost, heat, sadness, joy, bliss and bitter tears 
Have been my lot, while on earth's path treading. 
But finally did I reach the goal. 
Where I heard the boatman with the oar. 
"Hallo!" said I, "boatman, take me to 

The other shore, — ' 

To that Aidenn where my sainted maiden 

Is patient waiting for me at the door." 

And the boatman came, his boat propelling; 

In I stepped, the boat proceeded on its way. 

While the boatman sang a hymn of th' mighty day. 

Now happiness I need no more implore; 

The cup of bliss is full for evermore. 



178 MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 



A GHOSTLY APPARITION. 



I. 



On one bright summer's rose-dewed morning, 
Just as Aurora, blushing, from the night 
Departed, I saw the midway sky 
Asunder part. An angel, with a trumpet, 
Stepped from behind those cloud-capped towers, 
His face with love and glory and shining. 
Like virgin's blushes, or rosebud bowers. 



IL 



The angel gently down descending. 

Until he passed Hesper's cycle ending. 

When above a snow-top mountain belting, 

He set his right foot on it, the other 

On the ocean's branding, and thus first in 

Sonorous tones he curtly spoke to me: 

"Son of mankind, rise! turn your face and look." 

Behold! I saw tombs near a rippling brook. 



in. 



Benumbed at this, it thus appeared to me; 

Like a mysterious, wrapt, sealed up book. 

Said he, "Here rest the dust of noble braves." 

Then his voice grew louder, like the rustle 

Of the ocean's wave. He led me thus from east 

To west, among the graves; he showed me skulls, 

In whose cadaverous mouldering sockets 

Once flashed the thought as on the lightning rod. 



IV. 



At last we reached the distant far off west. 
Where the day's illuminator glides to rest. 
Here at the ghastly brink he paused; 



MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 179 

Showed me here, at the eternal river. 

One grave, with more dignity than ever; 

Spoke gently, hushed, in whispered tones: 

"Here lies, in peace, Webster the great among i 

The law-givers of our modern sires." 



V. 



Behold! I saw a great yet ghastly figure 
Rising o'er this one grave. It spake no word, 
Yet it was smiling. The grave was adorned 
With some rosebuds and a few germanders. 
The angel bade me, before he from me 
In gray twilight parted, to write a few lines 
To old and young of Blackstone's craven hearted. 



VI. 



I looked around, the angel had departed. 
I quivered like an -aspen leaf at the purling 
Of the midnight breeze, as one who dreamed 
And saw an apparition. Inspired thus. 
I wrote, in short, the following epitaph: 
"Here lies the casket, brought back to matter. 
From which it in organic form once started. 
Now joined to earth, never to be parted." 



VII. 



Dust is now the outer shell, though subtle still. 
Yet inorganic; once 'twas the bridal chamber 
Of soul and mind, wed to it by birth-right 
Law of the organic; but, like an old 
And withering tree, 't is now gone to dust. 
Immortal, unconfined is Webster's mind, 
Unfettered now by mortal flesh and bones. 
True son of our great republic, 
And our affection's choice, once thy keen 
Perceptive power wrought many a laurel 
In the garland of life's bowers. 



180 MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 

VIIL 

Once thou didst feed the people's mind 

With logic's genial, bright, flashing beams, 

Or with a burning soul, in the tempest glow 

Of oratory, swayed pasionate mankind. 

Rest thou, chieftain; thy horizon now is calm. 

The wind then came heaving by; like music 

Of a guitar, in sweetest strains it echoed, "Rest." 

Also the brook near by, as if singing, 

Murmured with the willow, "Elysian rest."- 

IX. 

To you whose vital cord is still with you, 

In sweet rapport, now last I come to give 

A cordial; some will be whist and some 

Will thrill a silent apropos, but some 

Will weep, groan, until they reach the goal. 

Lawyer, subtle, transient, least respected thing. 

Most sublime, or most pervert among mankind. 

Some hear thee in life's spring, like the oriole sing. 

And some few will with garlands thy brow bind. 



X. 



Was thy spring-time calm, by young Aurora's light? 

Or wast thou driven by the storm's fury 

And the tempest might? Has thy summer brought thet* 

To the zenith of the intellect's height? 

Or limps thou yet in dark mysterious night? 

Has thy autumn come fruit-laden, to fill 

The chamber of the mind? or has thy tree 

Brought forth no fruit for the good of thy kind? 



XI. 



The frosty, pale winter now is thy guest: 
Art thou prepared? the end is coming nigh. 
Or stands thou yet reluctant back and part'st 
With a heavy sigh? True, the onward march 
Of the legal mind is often thwarted 



MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 181 

By debauching of the basest kind, 

Or by the world's cold sneer, without shadow 

Or ground of right, though such preventives ^ 

Are incentives to the brave heroic mind. 



XIL 



To tear down the ramparts of the blind 

Is the mission of the cultured mind. 

Fail thou in this, thy life is then a void. 

Give, then, true counsel to all within reach, 

As advocate; with true pathos to the court 

Thy client's cause bespeak, as judge profound. 

Clear and impartial the law declare. 

Wher'er thou canst, crush the oppressor's might; 

Thy even star then will luminous shine. 

Like aurora borealis, calm and bright. 



182 MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 



THE STIMULUS OF LIFE. 



L 



Life's germ in yonder stream immortal 

Was hailed alike by seer and prophet. 

The pagan, in a superstitious mood, 

In word and gestures, 

Proclaimed it on hilltops 

And in green pastures. 

The shepherd by his flock. 

The mother to lull her babe, 

Sing both in vivid strains, of life's 

Immortal gems. 

The artist's brush talks loud 

Of budding, blustering, bubbling life. 



IL 



Life! all pervading, all prevailing cause. 

Not born by chance, but child of nature's laws. 

Gift alike to shrub, pebble, fish 

And the heaving sea. To insect, 

Beast; and up from these to man — 

Man, last product of the ever 'round 

Revolving cause — creature! 

Made by progressive cycle laws, 

Ever praying, yearning, hoping, weeping, 

According to eternal laws. 



III. 



God! all creating and everlasting cause. 
For what and why didst thou create man?- 

The finite man. 
Enwrapt in such mysterious awe — 
Why? The great canopy 
Of the myriads of heavens 



^ MISCEiLLANEOUS POEMS. )83 

Is so grand, sublime, thy dazzling throne? 

Ah! I see thee wink through nature's law — 

Thy footprints marked on the sand of yore, 

Thy beacon light 

Shines afar on gorgeous mountain tops. 

Inscribed in flaming letters 

On thy chariot's wheel; 

As thou ridest on the thunder storm. 

Or in the rainbow's golden hue. 

Manifests to mankind thy kindness. 

IV. 

The child breathes its first breath of life. 

And its mother fondly shouts, "My child!" 

O mother! true, thy child. 

Created, and creative cause. 

For some purpose, and for some grander call, 

Be wise, good, true, to this thy fruit; 

Then joy and not woe will be thine: 

The tree will grow and spread its branches wide; 

In storm and in sunshine 't will be the trav'ler's guide, 

And finally sink majestic like the sun at night. 

V. 

Love! divinest gift to mortal man; 

Love, so perverted and so accused of crime, — 

Ah! I say crime, — 

But 'tis not foimd in love's purest diadem. 

Love's wings, more swift than poets' dreamy flights. 

Or the velocity of electric light. 

Soars to its counterpart on many wires. 

Love, conqueror of the warrior. 

Though in armor on the battle field, 

No distant clime too remote and far. 

Which thou canst not reach with thy swift wing'd car: 

No place too great or hut too small, 

Where thou dost dwell with men. 

VI. 

Childhood — the spring with its rosy morn — 
Has pleasant joys and no cares. 



Ig4 MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 

Thus, sunny smiles play on childhood's face 

Manhood did not float so smoothly by: 

It had its twists, its cranks, and passions rare 

Its loves, its hates, its ups and downs. 

Now stalks along old, hoary Age. 

With many rheumatic aches and pains. 

Fond memory clings to passed joys and sorrows 

"VNTiile the pilgrim goes down by the willows. 



\TI. 



Such is life in its e'erlasting rotation. 

It has its joys, hopes, sorrows and its fears. 

Man, at the head of animated creation. 

Marching in the caravan of progression, 

Sees here but the dawning of a brighter day. 

Therefore, thou youth and thou hoary man of age. 

Be not dismayed in life's mysterious wrestling. 

Illume the night of ignorance and blindness: 

Unfold thy Godlike mind, and bring to light 

The gems and pearls in the soul's hidden chamber. 

Which will be in your crown 

After you have crossed the tmknown river. 



MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 185 



THE PARSON AT HEAVEN'S GATE. 



I knew a parson once, in my country town; 

He wore. a silk cap and long black gown. 

Had sunny smiles for all, Jolin, Joe and Brown, 

And people thought that he was a pious wight. 

He was a jolly parson, depend on it. 

True, now and then a little stupid; 

But to his praise it must be truly said. 

He knew how to fleece his sheep in darkness. 

Or in the aaerry light of day; 

And withal had the largest money purse. 

Which his flock must fill, though bleed they must. 

Else he would invoke God's wrath and heaven's curse. 



n. 



The good sheep thought that it was meet 

To give the parson money and be freed. 

But when they failed to pay him all they earned, 

Good heaven I what a storm the burly priest 

On next Sunday o'er his audience raised. 

The heavens resounded with tumults loud; 

Hell opened her mouth in the parson's throat. 

The people paid to still his holy wrath; 

Then the parson prayed, and the raging storm 

Ceased; then said he, "Amen," and the skies gi'ew calm. 

ni. 

This man of God. the burden of my song. 

Died after that; "t is not so very long. 

As on spirit wings, the other morn, 

I soared in boundless space near heaven's gate, 

Lo and behold! I saw my village priest 

Tapping gently at the golden gate. 



186 MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 

The gate turned, and opened her portals wide, 
And the parson, bowing, bending, stuttering, — 
"I do implore admission at this door; 
This is my wish, and nothing more." 



IV. 



Peter, holding the keys, as he did of yore. 
Shook his head while saying, "Never more." 
Then the parson, growing red and hot with ire, 
Said, "I have earned admission at this door 
By preaching and saving sinners from hell fire." 
Then heaven's tyler, softly speaking. 
Said, "Here we need no priest nor preaching; 
The mission which thou on earth's sphere bore 
Has brought thy name here on record minus lore; 
Thy sheep, within thy green pasture grazing. 
Relied on thee and mercy quite amazing. 



"Now thy victims crawl, creep, in darkness weep, 

Down in hades many a fathom deep. 

Few of those who once were in thy pious flock, 

Whom thou in thy madness consigned to hell-fire. 

But who, in spite of bans, curses and creeds. 

Dared to reason and outroot thy sown weeds, 

Now they stand inscribed in the book 

Of books, and joy from out their faces look. 



VI. 



"Blind leader, and yet dares thou boldly come 

Here to ask admission to the throne. 

While thy misguided sheep, down in the dark, 

'Mid blindness, creeds and churches, howl and bark? 

Get thee back to thy flock, and preach and teach 

Not as before thou hast taught, that God 

Was now and then in ire, or that his wrath 

Or goodness was changing to favor thee. 

Parson Meyer. 



MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 187 



VIL 



"Preach and teach a nature's God, 
To be found here and there and everywhere. 
In rock and shell, in brute and man, 
In the boundless space of the universe. 
Unchanging, true, and full of love and kindness. 
Do this, and in future do not mount so fast 
Up to this holy clime, but by degrees go east." 
The gate, on its hinges turning,- was shut; 
Darkness reigned without, and the parson in it. 
His soul shivering and his pinions clipped. 
He started back to learn life's first page 'gain, 
We hope to better purpose, and seek no more 
God in vain. 



188 MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 



THE EMANCIPATED WOMAN. 



I hear a zephyr breeze softly lisping, 

Swelling with the sweet sound "Sorosis." 

It comes wafted from a holy clime, 

Right froni the prophets' and sages' shrine. 

Its name, if properly understood. 

Is, link in chain, or sisterhood; 

But in these stirring days of progress, 

In which art and science spread out their roots, 

We would swell its twines and lyric lines. 

And call it sister-brotherhood. 



II. 



It comes with willing hand and heart, 

To bear life's burden, at least in part. 

It comes to soothe the pilgrim's weary heart. 

To quench the thirst on his burning lips, 

And to give joy and bliss to all mankind. 

You find it here, there, everywhere. 

Where its gentle hand can peace restore: 

In hut and in the vices' den, 

To cool and calm the victim's pang. 



HL 



Now 'tis light in wisdom's domain; 

The sleeping giant, intellect, 

Takes with proud mien the reign. 

Love comes to aid him with gentle hand. 

Men and women, on the zenith 

Of Intellect, proudly they will stand; 

Men endowed with reason, a priori. 



MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. ■ 189 



Women with intuition's sight. 
Both united in life's battle. 
Victorious they will stand. 



IV. 



But I hear some old bachelor crying, 

Or some silly husband whining; 

The first to weep o'er forgotten lore, 

The second o'er his golden ore; 

Both with eyes green, like sulphuric fire. 

They weep and tumble in the mire; 

They spout and spout, and raise a crowd, 

'Till they are told, "keep quiet, or get out." 

But nevertheless, women will vote. 

And be angelic and smart, both. 

V. 

/ 
I hear aristocracy frown; 

In purple cushions seeks it its renown; 

It chits and chats, talks, gibs and prates 

Of velvet, and its silken dresses. 

It talks three words of Latin, six of French, 

And the ladies are coquettish to the gents. 

The ladies frequently go out shopping, — 

With Grecian bend and courtiers nodding; 

Artistocrats without, and not within, 

A lamp trimmed, but no oil therein. 



VI. 



Who will then be the world's redeemer? 
Who rescue man from dissipation? 
Pair woman will be our emancipatress, 
And make us free and a happy nation. 
'Tis woman from the people's middle circle 
Who will save man from his pending doom; 
With her patience boldly brave' the storm. 
To save the nation's life and honor. 
She comes not to rule with sword or dagger, 
But with loving words and gentle manner. 



190 MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 

VII. 

- Let women vote, and sit in court, 
And wield the pen to sift the truth, 
Or be ordained, as a holy saint, 
To praise God and teach mankind. 
Open unto her every useful sphere. 
As mechanics, arts or prophet and seer; 
Let her run the race divine, 
Here and there — in every clime. 
She will love thee brother, truly then, 
And be not fickle, as now she can. 

VIII. 

The angel choir in etherial region 
Far from here, miles by the legion. 
Will sing melodies, soft adante. 
And play on their ^olian harps, 
Rejoicing that we are progressing. 
By faith and work, without ceasing 
Then hoist high our freedom's banner. 
Be united and resolute in manner; 
The Alpha and Omega above us. 
Will guide and make our path glorious. 



MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 191 

A MIDNIGHT SOLILOQUY. 



Hark! what is this? the midnight bell. 

Struck "twelve" just finish'd her diurnal peal; 

'Tis dark — all wrapt in mysterious dark, 
^ I hear a rustle, like the trembling 

Of the aspen leaves, at the purling 

Of the midnight zephyr breeze; 

Perhaps it is some lovely dame, 

Whose silken gown just swept the granite hall; 

Perchance it was the smacking of a parting kiss. 

Which some mortal, in Elysian dreams call'd his; 

Might be the wind, from the distant west. 

Freighted with some dark and dire mishap; 

Listen! it comes nearer, I hear it well; 

Ah! I see it now; 'tis some immortal; 

Its face serene, bright with celestial light, 

Its flowing robe, tinctured with blue and white. 

It smiles at me— as if drawn to earth 

With a sympathetic cord, with which it was still 

In rapport with this mundane world. 

Perhaps it comes to see some dear friend; 

Some brother, sister, mother, or child. 

Distinctly now I see, it holds betwixt 

Its finger tips some message from some 

Far off unknown world — hush! be silent. 

Else it might close the golden portals. 

Through which I see a moral for you mortals. 

The adage which I see inscribed 

On its pages reads thus— "Men's lives, here clad 

In crude, coarse and chaotic matter. 

Will be transmuted in the hereafter'; 

Like the caterpillar in spring 

Throws off its shabby winter coat 

And wraps himself anew in gorgeous robes, 

In which he soars to etherial heights. 

Life here is but like a bud. 

Which in due time will unfold its cup; 

Sin is but imperfection, and truth 

Is but a spectre among man's faction." 

Ascending now, it beckons me. Good night. 

Now it has reached the Heavenly portals; 

They part — 'tis received as a welcome guest- 

The door is shut, 'tis dark again; ah! then, good night. 



192 MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 



THE SPIRITS' JUBILEE. 



I. 



Hush! we come from the spirit land. 
From Heaven where dwells the angel band; 
We sing and play with our harps, 
Early and late like the larks. 
Around the throne we sit and pray, 
With flowers in hand, like you in May. 
We dance, and jump, and romp about, 
Like the gazelle at the brook's mouth. 

CHORUS. 

Love joins us in one brother band; 
We nurse it with our hearts and hands. 
Love is our shining guiding star, 
By which we conquer near and far. 



n. 



We travel now in this mundane sphere, 
To comfort men and give them cheer; 
Not more to grumble against his God, 
Nor grudges 'gainst his fellow-men plot. 
In his private walks to love the truth, 
And call evil but imperfect good; 
And when he leaves his earthly treasures, 
We call him home to celestial pleasures. 

III. 

On this night, from Heaven's region, 

We traveled miles, many legion; 

What strange creatures we have met 

From early morn till sunset. 

I see we are on earth among mankind; 

'Tis just an epoch of ten thousand years 

'Twixt now and when we left them behind, 

With baleful eyes, drowned in tears. 

But now we are in the harvest time, 
We bear them home to Heaven's clime. 



MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 193 

IV. 

Now do I dim remember still 
The time 1 was on earth's sphere, 
When in the soul 'twas dark and ill; 
In doubt they laid me on the bier. 
Sorrowful with a heart craven, 
With tribulation laden. 
To see friendship's ties torn asunder 
For an uncertain blissful yonder. 

But now is the happy harvest time, 

We bear them to a happier clime. 



The good and ill which we patiently bore 

Has bi ought our name on record full of lore. 

True, often sank the soul in deep despair, 

Under the heavy load it had to bear; 

But then a soothing voice from Eden fair, 

Whose tone like music, tuned anew the air. 

Renew'd in strength life's battle we resumed, 

We were born to live, not to be doomed. 

But now in the ripe and mellow harvest time. 
We bring them home, to the celestial clime. 

VI. 

The^ let the lesson taught in these few lines 

Be not construed as unmeaning rhymes. 

But that we are as a common brotherhood; 

We are not always bad, but sometimes good. 

That sin so called in church, or Forum, 

Is the ladder on which we climb up higher. 

Goodness but purgated evil, 

And evil but imperfect good. 

And now in this human harvest time. 

We beckon you, come up to Heaven's clime. 



194 MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 



CHICAGO IN FLAMES. 



(Holocaust of 1871.) 



L 

'Twas on the Eighth October, Seventy-one; 

The Sabbath bells had ceased, one by one, 

To chime their praise to the Omniscient One. 

The lowly chanting of the choir had won 

Most precious tears from the church-folks' eyes: 

Priests had just pronounced their blessings thrice; 

People had hied home, and said their vesper prayers — • 

All were asleep, fast locked in Morpheus' arms. 

n. 

The sky was calm, serene the clouds; 

The moon shone bright and stars hung out their lights. 

While quietness reigned in street and marts. 

Sometimes broken by a straggler's homeward strides. 

Having pondered o'er many a curious volume. 

Till at last, weak and weary, I begun 

To look put from 'hind my window lattice, 

And watch from out my attic the city gratis. 

in. 

You know poets are airy — oft without a dime — 

Therefore they live high — towards the sublime. 

I, a twig of this grand, poetic tree. 

Saw night's grandeurs of the city vie. 

To my right I view'd our classic river, 

The left presented sheets of sparkling glimmer. 

Reflected from our placid Lake Michigan. 

In front did rise cupolas, steeples, spires. 

Which would have been the pride of our ancient sires. 

IV. 

Lo! what can that be? I see sparks rise! 
Now clouds of smoke, more sparks, twice, thrice. 
There! there! I view some purple spots, flames rise. 
Great God! 'tis my neighbor's house— rise! rise! 
Now people rush madly by to save their lives. 
And louder, louder peal the fire bells. 



MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 195 

Now flames are seen, mounting still higher, 
While sable night grows bright and brighter. 



The clock strikes ten, the wind blows fronx east to west, 
And all the people rise to break their nocturnal rest. 
Down fall the burning wrecks, and yet the flames speed on 
In their fatal course — swift, and yet swifter on. 
Till they now with their ominous wings o'erspread 
A terror-stricken people, nearly dead. 
Mothers flee with their babes the wrath to come, 
The fire engines screech and roar, and help! help! whirl 
drums. 

VI. 

Bells still peal for mercy in all the spires, 
And desolation spreads the fire in its ire. 
Its scorching, withering tongues of flames 
Now mount in horrid grandeur to the skies. 
And with their lurid light they do outshine 
The glory of moon, stars and the sky, 
While clouds of burning fagots, splinters, sparks 
Are the destructive heralds of the dark. 

VII. 

Now, like a huge serpent, it winds its way along; 

Northward it wheels its ominous, unwieldy form, 

Tearing down household altars as it goes. 

Vesta now sleeps, and Vulcan has his throes. 

Grand temples fall, which, for their neat attire, 

Might well have vied with proud old Gothic spires. 

Engines, water-pump, and men raise loud tumult. 

But 'tis no use; the great city falls now low into the dust. 

If work of demon? Tartaras for his soul. 

If careless hand? Great heaven, condole! 

VIII. 

The morning wakes, Phoebus mounts his glorious car. 

And o'er the smouldering city sheds hope afar. 

For from its ashes. Phoenix-like, it will arise 

And dazzle with its new glory the Orient skies. 

All nations kindly help, for all mankind 

Is but a band of brothers, closely allied, 

For it was mind which reared such lofty heights. 

And mind will o'ercome disaster in its flights. 



196 ' MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 



LOVE'S MAY. 



Love's May — think you 'tis composed of kisses? 

Fondly given by the beaux to the misses? 

Oh, no! oh, no! what it is, let me tell it: 

My heart, mankind and nature whispered it. 

But pray, when you eon these lines, don't laugh outright, 

My cheeks would crimson turn at such a sight. 

n. 

If I am right, I think you once were babies; 
I mean you, who are now men and ladies. 
What was it that met you at your dawn of morn? 
Ah! 'twas a mother's Love in her heart born. 
While on your downy couch you were asleep. 
Angels on tiptoe kissed your cherry lips. 

III. 

Then there came life's summer with its manhood, 
And woman, all ripe, unfolding like a bud. 
Then Love's flowers shone all in gorgeous array, 
And filled with fragrance all your summer days. 
It was then when you looked out for a mate, 
To enjoy with you the matrimonial state. 

IV. 

But further up there came your autumn day, 
Halcyon and serene — not flutt'ring like in May. 
Love's torch burnt then, if you had chose aright, 
With a more fervent, though not a flickering light, 
On the household altar, or for mankind. 
For Love had with its net you all entwined. 



But now you are on the top of the ladder; 

Life's winter has come — creation is cold, 

But ev'n in life's winter, love is man's strong hold, 

With the increase of age it grows the brighter; 

Love's fire burns then mild, like a gorgeous sunset, 

And like its purple glow, points heavenward. 



MISCELLANEOUS POEMS. 197 



VI. 



Think of this often, all you gentle folks, 

And make your love pure; vest it in white robes. 

Love, that undefinable, mysterious part, 

Which rules the head, and sways the wayward heart; 

Often it taps at your soul's inner halls, 

And prays admission to all its picture stalls. 

vn. 

Thus Love and I went through childhood's May; 
From thence we slipped into an August day. 
October came then, with Love's basket laden. 
While December followed, pointing to Aidden, 
. Life has filled with Love its beaker full; 
Be therefore cheerful, soul, and not dull. 

VIII. 

Love is the insignia of the Cosmos — 

Lives in the germander and blooms in the rose; 

Nay, it appears in the rainbow's scarlet hue, 

In the sunshine and in the morning dew. 

God drew around mankind love's band more tight, 

By sending Christ to make the world more bright. ' 

IX. 

Look at the animated brutal creatures. 

When with their cubs. Love gleams out of their features. 

Nay, the poor spaniel's heart sparkles with joy. 

When home returns his master from a voyage. 

The birds above in air, the fish in sea. 

All share with men. Love, life's sweetest boon. 

X. 

Love dwells not alone in kisses — but hark! 
"From out the soul flows forth its witching music." 
Then don't say, that Love's May lasts but one day. 
Or only blooms throughout the perennial May. 
Its genial warmth is felt in Winter's frost. 
And links us fast to the departed host: 
Welds us together with a strong iron band, 
So that jointly we may reach the other land. 



198 GRAPHIC AND HUMOROUS PEN SKETCHES. 



GRAPHIC AND HUMOROUS PEN SKETCHES. 



EPITAPHS. 

Here lies Adam, with his Eve, snugly in their bower, 

Loclved in each other's arms, sleeping 'till the judgment hour. 

Here beneath the sod lies Noah, the noble patriarch. 
Often he tasted the forbidden fluid, and got hogish drunk. 

Here lie, in brotherly embrace, Jacob and Esau, 
When the latter bit his brother's heel, they had a row. 

Here, five feet low, lie David and the wise Solomon; 
They sucked the marrow out the old Israelites' bones, 
Now in Pandemonium they are breaking stones. 

Underneath this crucifix, embedded in cold clay. 

Lie all the Jews, and Christ, their victim^ slain; 

Hands clasped in hands, their spirits soaring, - ^ 

In the far off land where is no moaning. 

Here, quite low, lies Julius Caesar, of imperial Rome, 
Stabbed by Brutus and Cassius right to the core; 
Ye passers by take heed of foul treachery at home. 

Under this turf lies great Mahomet, 

On earth he gulled a mass of asses 

In saying that he had seen heavens' traces — 

Had pierced the veil and seen himself the great I am; 

His form is mouldring now, his soul among the devils crammed. 

Beneath this slab rests a Jewish Rabbi, 
On earth he prepared the sacrificial pie; 
Peace to his bones, for now he has cast the die. 

Here beneath the turf lies a Brahmin priest. 
He was a tough customer, and often a beast. 

Beneath this weeping willow lies Confucius, 

He travailed with, and gave bii-th to many wise saws, 

Which afterward became the world's most wholesome laws. 

Here in this grave lie Iloman Popes, Bishops, Priests, 
They had their days of wickedness and of good deeds; 
On earth they banished the old Nick with the crucifix; 
But now old Harry has them, bones and skin, in his gripe. 



GRAPHIC AND HUMOROUS PEN SKETCHES. 199 



Here beneath this mount lies a Methodist brother, 
On earth lie was to this flock an awful bother. 

'Neath this cold clay lies a belligerent Baptist son, 
He said immersion was the thing for every one to be' done. 
His doggerel sank into the grave with this zealous priest, 
Now, without ducking, they go to heaven from west to east. 

Under this verdant cowslip lies a Presbyterian priest, 
Cold as is the earth, which is his shroud, was his creed. 

This body, which furnishes nurture to this willow tree, 

Was once known as a Mormon elder. Like Solomon, 

He was very fond of picl\;ing female bones; 

For this sin he is now down here picking red hot stones. 

Here in this subterranean cavern, lie many pious sheep, 
In expiation of their sins hot tears they weep. 

« 

Here lies Garrick, and his tailor; the former cut 

Grimaces, the latter cut the former's hose, 

Now they lie in brotherly embrace and cut each other's noses. 

And here lies Shakespeare by their venal side. 

While on earth these shallow wights 

He shook and tossed their holloAv pates 

Till the sapient were made fools, and fools hackney-jades. • 

Among men Shakespeare was a very tartar, 

He had a royal mind which reached clear to the larder. 

Though his bones lay mouldering here, yet he lives, yes lives 

Among mankind, and in Elysian fields of bliss. 

Here under this bank, along the ocean's side. 
Lies Milton, -head and tail of soaring poets, 
His soul imfettered now, evaporates 'round God's throne. 

Enclosed within lies Napoleon, the great conqueror, 

With his mounting spirit, sword in hand, he subdued nations. 

Pilgrims, as ye pass, reflect, though you may have won a crown. 

Yet here is ambition's end — here, like a quarry slave. 

Within his narrow cell he lies, and the kingly worm 

Now sits like a conqueror on his brow.' 

Here lies Frederick the Great, or der alte Fritz; 
He has no laurels now to gain; but all is fudge. 

Under this gray elm tree lies Napoleon the~ Third; 

He threw the dice for crowns, lost the round, 

For he did lack the marrow and genius of his sire. 

Therefore, like a weak sapling, he sank quickly into the mire, 

Not as his uncle, who sank majestic, like the sun at night. 



200 GRAPHIC AND HUMOROUS PEN SKETCHES. 

Within tliis humble corner, lie all the mighty potentates, 
No stern face now, but placid in the arms of death, 
All are equals, kings look like beggars' dust. 

Taking now the broad ^^Vige to hell-gate, 1 found at the wayside 
the followin^p^ graves, whose inhabitants were pricked for the infernal 
ivingdom. Their lodgings were rather warm for an ordinary sinner 
like me, though they had the consolation to enjoy the luxury, to feast 
on hot brimstones, largely mixed with combustibles, rather an un- 
palatable dish for a sinner of 200 lbs. avoirdupois, running the danger 
of being busted. They stood Purgatory very well, as they had been 
initiated while in this earthly tabernacle, in the mysteries of Bourbon, 
cocktails, catguts clear, gin, and with an alloy of rhubarb and sulphu- 
retted hydrogen, I read: 

Here lies a pawnbroker, with his balls and pledges. 
He is now pulling his master's, the devil's, dredges. 

While here, close to his side, lies his victim, like a sheep 
Nigh to the shearer, ,bleeding from his wounds so deep. 

Here lies Harpagon, 'neath this clay and limestone; 
He hoarded treasures, let only lay hot millstones. 
Poor fool! all perished in nether hell; 'neath his soles 
He travels now an ocean of sulphuric fire and brimstones. 

Here 'neath this sable slab, lies a midnight satrap; 
He picked your lock and your pocket sapped. 

Here lies Bully Pat, under six feet ground. 
He knocked men down with his cast-steel pat; 
Drank rum, and in such way made his living. 
Now for his cloven-footed majesty he is thieving. 

Here within this angler's precinct 

Lies Brother Jones. He said long prayers. 

And under cover of night stole his neighbor's gears, _ 

Down In the fiery gulf beneath he must now use the sheai's. 

Here 'neath this hill lies a Methodist minister; 
While on this vale of tears oft was his love sinister. 
He had a wife, among the flock he loved a dozen sisters; 
Ye in the flesh take heed! for now this trickster 
Has down here to try and hug a thousand old blisters. 

'Neath this olive tree lies a punster. 

He mocked death while yet a youngster; 

But then in hoary age death brought him to time, 

Nought he says now, nor writes more funny rhyme. 



GRAPHIC AND HUMOROUS PEN SKETCHES. 201 

Reader, in contemplation pass this place by, 

For here, at the confines of earth and time, 

Mould 'ring into dust, promiscuously there lie 

Kings and subjects, priests and laymen, 

Noblemen and plebians, judge and culprit. 

Lordly dames and kitchen malkins, 

Contending armies at rest, lie here in close embrace. 

Jews back to back with Gentiles, 

Musselmen lie friendly here aside of Christian dogs. 

Here lies the reptile with his victim still in his claws; 

Contented rests here the lamb in a lion's jaws. 

The rich owns here no more ground than the beggar; 

The sceptre has here no greater right than the hoe. 

All strife has ceased, dust meets with dust 

On equal basis. All to that potters' field we must 

Omniscient God, thou has ordained, 

For an all-wise purpose this ordeal test, 

That finally w^e may somewhat of heaven taste. 



202 GRAPHIC AND HUMOROUS PEN SKETCHES. 



THE JUDGMENT BAR: 



AT THE STYGIAN SHORE. 

Once upon a time, at a sable midnight's core, 
1 was boi-ne on swiftest wings to the Stygian shore. 
Was it a dream? Did my soul soar forth I don't wot? 
Perchance my spirit's vesture did at that bourne trot! 
Suffice I saw with my inner spirit's vision 
Charon — the boatman — doing this day 
An unusual amount of business — 
By withdrawals of one bank and deposits 
Into another bank. Here lay 

A host of dying men, spread many leagues along 
The demarkation line of mundane, brittle life, 
And of that blissful shore where sits the happy soul. 
Serene, unfettered, on her freedom's throne. 
The river's waves were calm — not in anger tossing, 
Nor did the storm in vengeful ire croak and howl. 
The sky was dark blue, and the "distant moon — - 
Secui'e within its orb — calmly shed her pale light 
On the tragic scene below. Also, I did espy 
The air full of flitting, shadowy, spirit-forms. 
The wind blew gentle, the fearful thunder did not roar. 
Nor the lightning flash through the air on its fiery car. 
Nature was all quiet, as if it had a holy day. 
Nothing could be heard, save now and then a groan 
From the dying bodies, clinging with tenacity 
To the parting souls. ' Thus while I was standing on the shore 
I saw v/ith my spirit's eye heaven lie adjacent to dark hell. 
Where stood Cherubim with drawn swords in hands. 
Each to receive within its confines the souls 
Assigned to its care by the Supreme Being. 
E'en here 'twas hard to tell the demarkation line, 
Where heaven begins, and Pandemonium does end, 
Though yet I'm sure there's much of heaven or hell 
Within each conscious, palpitating breast. 
The pagan idea, to clad God in purple robes. 
And set Him on some petty, regal throne, 
As now a great many pious Christians like to do 
Is to me sacriligious and blasphemy on Jehovah. 
I see him not in the fancied shapes of bigots; 
I find His spirit essence everywhere. 
In nature's work-shop, on hill and in dell. 
And most clearly can he be found in man. 

Pardon me for this slight digression in imagination. We revert 
now 



GRAPHIC AND HUMOROUS PEN SKETCHES. 203 

To the river Styx, whose banks of weeping stones were strewn 
With drw bones, which by the sombre moonlight 
Looked like a charnel-house or potter's field. 
Solemn silence reigned, except the rattling of bones 
Dropping over the ghastly brink, to give away 
To a corps of weary pilgrims, moving slowly on 
In solid phalanx, to lay aside their mortal coils. 
Just then I heard an unseen voice say, "Open the judgment 
book." 

For you must know God passes judgment every day. 
He will not wait until the prophesied great trumpet sounds. 
At first there came a row of puny tailors. 
A viewless voice bade them, in stern tones, halt! 
It sounded like the rushing cataract. 
But yet there was heavenly music in it. 
-I heard it pass, like the thunder crash. 
Quick and cutting, like the lightning's flash. 
But then it was also melodious, like the golden harp 
With a thousand strings, struck by angel's magic hands. 
The voice proceeded thus: "Mortals! here on Plutonian shores 
Each one must give his account of his deeds done 
While he trod, with self-conceit, the terrestial zone." 
The stoutest of their fellows advanced with martial pomp. 
The yard in his right hand, and the shears in his left. 
Out of his pocket peeped a piece of broadcloth 
Which he had stolen— or, speaking in genteel terms, which had 
fallen 

Through the scissors' eye— while cutting the deacon's vestment. 

For you must know that man carries the predilection 

Of his soul with him to the Stygian shore. 

Before the great I Am, he humbly knelt down 

And said: "Good Master, give us more light, for her^ 

In Erebus we grope in stark-blind darkness. 

We cannot neatly cut the judge's toga, nor the deacon's frock. 

Miss Jenkins wants her shift, and the hostler his doublet." 

The tailor stopped. In clarion tones the voice spoke forth: 

"What impertinence is this? you vile stuff. 

Ye tinkers who have clad vice in virtuous seeming. 

Decked the bawd in white robes of innocence, 

Stuffed here a hollow, there crooked shanks. 

Or filled up with cotton the lack of woman's mamary glands, 

And often hid in priestly robes devouring wolves. 

Move on! your deeds will make you blush in heaven's light." 

At this, the caravan of tailors, with grimaces in faces. 

Glided silently down the banks of the Plutonian shore. 

Fast on their heels, I know not why, there followed 

A host of priests, with decaying bodies, though still 

In priestly robes, masked, with pious, long faces. 

Each bore a different idol, which mocked the -great Jehovah. 

It was a sight indeed which overcame my senses. 

I thanked my stars that I could see with my lenses 

This host of jack-daw priests in carnival procession. 



204 GRAPHIC AND HUMOROUS PEN SKETCHES. 

For in this vast cauldron all creeds did meet, 

And each long-faced saint was boasting of his deeds. 

Here stood the Buddhist priest in his aboriginal robe, 

And here, with his long pig-tail, the Chinese saint. 

While, with rings in his nose, stood at his side the Japanese. 

Right to the left thei'e stood the Jewis Rabbis. 

At their right side they were flanked by the Canaanites. 

From thence right on there stood Mahomet's priests 

In checkered weeds, prompt, and self-conceited in their creeds. 

While eastward stood, with crucifix in hand, the Pope. 

In his trail there came a host of saints, whose name is legion. 

Some of these devotees had shaved pates, others wore white 

hoods. 
And then there came stout, impious, heretic Luther. 
With conscious firmness he hoofed the plastic ground. 
In mien cooly saying, "The rock of Gibraltar, 
From its firm base shall fly, sooner than I." 
. While all about him stood all his pious cubs — 
Wesley, Swedenborg, and jovial Brigham Young; 
Pagans, saints and sinners, all to his garments clung. 
It was a horrid spectre to see these whining, rattling bones. 
While in the jaws of death cling to such delusive hopes. 
The voice bade those leaders halt, as near they drew to the 

shore. 
And in cutting tones it spake to these lazy drones: 
"Ye halters, bridles, and cuffs of progressive men, 
Have ye at last come here to the judgment bar?" 
The foremost of them spoke in brazen tones, 
The rest, still on their dignity extent. 
Shrugged their shoulders, as if free of blame. 
"Great Ruler of this unbounded universe," he said, 
"While we were on earth ordained on Zion's post 
We did our duty, preached heir and brimstone." 
At this he paused, as if to hear from Him on high 
The great I am's laudation for his deeds done. 
The Judge spake, "And still so haughty in your tone 
You done your duty? Yea, as the wolf does to the Iamb. 
Like lacterating one's heart, and then covering- the wound with 

plaster. 
Thus have ye done, ye hypocritical, pious worms; 
Ye wore a gin and milk long face before the world. 
But got drunk on champagne and bourbon 'hind bolts and doors. 
Ye meat abstainers while at the public board, _ 
But gourmands videlicit epicures while in your larder. 
Ye whitewashed, pious lambs while in Jehovah's temple. 
But debauchees and libertines while in the closet. 
Have ye not done all the crimes to which flesh is heir to? 
And now, at the twelfth hour, ye strut in self-complacent. 
With boots and stockings on, to the mercy-seat to wash yourself 
In the blood of the Lamb, sing Gloria Te Deum, 
And preach vicarious atonement and forgiveness by proxy. 
Nay, this will not do; march on to my left; 



GRAPHIC AND HUMOROUS PEN SKETCHES. 205 

Yet a while longer ye- need the purifying fire." 

Down they marched the Stygian bank, with Bibles, hymns and 

prayers. 
To make another dive in the vale of tears 
For the precious pearl of immortal life. 

Just then I saw another host move on, with periwigs on pates, 
Clad in long, flowing black, ominous gowns. 

On the right of their loins nung paper bags, big as haversacks. 
While burden'd on the left they were with forensic squibs, gibes 

and goose quills; 
With many bows, eyes winking, and their gowns fluttering, 
They approached to the bar of the great Jehovah 
With familiar steps, as if they were used to stand 
Before fhe judgment bar. I saw the great Ruler smile. 
Turning to the saints around the throne, he said, 
"I used many scourges, as hot fire, glowing mill-stones, 
Burning sulphur, scorching brimstone; even as last resort 
1 used his cloven-footed majesty himself 
To reform and keep within just bounds these legal quills. 
But all for naught — they brought the chief devil in chancery. 
Issued an injunction against Belzebub, 

And commenced a common law action, versus sulphur and brim- 
stone. 
By these shrewd turns and legal fibs they outgeneral'd us, 
Remaining victorious on the battle-field. 

Surely I will have now the hardest job of this day's doings." 
Now to the lawyers turning, great Alpha and Omega spake. . 
"What say you now? Oft you have eluded my grasp. 
But at last you had to come to the judgment bar. 
I am now ready to listen to any excuses you have to make." 
The first in rank then spake, dignified, and in clear tone, 
"Our failings may be many, for we were mortals. 
Were made of the same clay, inheriting the same qualities, 
Propensities and desires as had other men. 
Tet on the highway of life we sought not to engraft, 
Like the priest, blind faith, the cradle of ignorance. 
And the vehicle of fraud and deceit; 
But we taught reason, and an all-prevailing law. 
That though you stood at the helm of nature. 
Yet that at Creation's morn you had determined 
That the many globes should move within their cycles. 
The seasons come and go, life be born and die, 
Forms to organize and forms to dissolve, 
Vegetations grow and wither within its allotted time. 
Thus we have taught that ail things moved on their designated 

track ; 
That the intervention of special providence had ceased, 
And that the prayer of men could not change nature's course; 
That it was man's duty to study nature's laws. 
And live in harmony with its precepts. 
Thus did we teach, though our sin we do confess. 
That often we did our clients charge large fees. . ' 



206 GRAPHIC AND HUMOROUS PEN SKETCHES. 

But know! why mad'st thou men such selfish drones? 
That they committed crime, robbed and stole, 
In consequence of which they had to pay large lawyer's bills. 
Blame thyself, if thy handiwork is not perfect." 
At this the host of lawyers moved slowly on, 
While the voice above me said: "Walk to the right. 
Heaven is yours, though you have not reached the top 
In consequence of faults, yet you have done well. 
Some faults were mine, in not making perfect the first man. 
But halt! you're too bad for heaven, and too good for hell. 
I need you yet on earth to teach the light of reason; 
But then charge moderate fees, and use less points and squibs." 
At this the lawyers smilingly turned back from whence they 
came. 

Hard on the lawyers' heels there came the doctors. 

They were a sorrj^ parcel, I must indeed confess it, 

Saint Esculapius limping at their head. 

All were in rank, sawbones, and homeopathists with small doses 

Quacks, chiropodists, veterinary and dentists, 

Armed to the teeth with scalpels, saws and pinchers. 

Surrounded by a host of dying victims 

Whom the sage doctors had o'er pilled and dosed. 

These therapeutists and diagnosists approached. 

When they halted, there was such a din and croaking 

As made me wish that they had a cold water ducking. 

Finally, heaven's Lord bade them cease. 

As all was still, the oldest of them spake as follows: 

"Ye gods, rulers, spirits, angels and power, 

Accounter'd as in earth-life, we have reached this goal; 

Sawed, chiselled and frizzled all terrestrial bones. 

Done there, we come here for another job to score. 

Is there nothing among ye Celestials to mend? 

Some bones to saw, or some pills to give to some aching soul?" 

With this last jobber's ,wish he paused, eyes wide open. 

Expectant, that heaven's Lord, who sat in radiant light above. 

Would send this host of ambulating apothecary shops 

Into the harvest-field among the blest saints above, 

Intuitively, I felt that the voice above wished not to make 

A butcher-shop of the with bliss-effulgent heaven. 

When finally he spake thus to those medicated stragglers, 

"Ah! ye wiseacres of anatomy, pills and doses. 

Ye wanted to make a hospital of our holy places? 

Our followers are clothed with the spirit-essence. 

And need no physic, nor a parson's purgatory. 

Nor the surgeon, with his scalpel at their bones; 

Therefore, drop your instruments and vocations. 

Freely you shall receive heaven's salvation." 

The doctors dropped their drugs, pots and scrapers. 

And instantaneously they were transformed into tadpoles. 

In which shapes they sailed to glory in full blaze across the 

river. 
As they had gone, there came a host of warriors. 



GRAPHIC AND HUMOROUS PEN SKETCHES. 207 

Approaching in gallop, with their skeleton steeds, 
Having drawn their blood-sprinlvled, rusty swords, 
Waving their hats and shouting for victory. 
Some beating drums, others shouting wild huzzahs! v 

The cannons roared, as if in the midst of battle, 
While the wounded I heard whining, groaning. 
At my right there i-attled by heavy artillery; 
Loud, like a host of serpents, whizzed the musketi'y, 
While 'mid this tumult was heard the loud command of leaders, 
And the wild yell of warriors charging on the enemy's line. 
The contending armies were all in smoke enveloped. 
And horses riderless galloping across the battle-field. 
This Plutonian darkness was only at moments lighted up 
By the flashing lights of death's messengers, 
As they swiftly coruscated through the cloudy air. 
The whole scene was chaotic, confusion reigned; 
Brothers in this dai'kness clashed, as enemies, their swords; 
Sons, ' without knowing, struck with fatal blows their sires ; 
Bosom friends grappFed with each other in deadly hate. 
This scene before my mental eyes reminded me of incarnate 
devils. 

Fighting in the sulphurous pool 'neath in Tartarian hell. 

As these grim warriors neared the judgment-seat, they stopped. 

The unseen Spirit spake to them in kind tones. 

"Belligerent spirits, ye have lived in war and strife; 

Fought often for an imagined right or wrong; 

By the sword ye hoped to gain the laurel wreath of heav'n. * 

Ye erred, only Peace and Virtue on their chariot wheel 

Do move the car of human progress on, 

War clogs its onward march; 

Rest ye, therefore, a time and half a time. 

Till ye are made meet for heaven's bowers." 

Then the warriors' dry bones gather'd themselves up 

To rest with their kindred under old elm trees. 

Until they should hear Jehovah's trumpet sound. • 

As they had gone, there was a calm in heaven 

Which soon was broken by a mongrel, hotch-pot sound 

Of an approaching crowd of tinkers, blacksmiths, 

Joiners, weavers, tapsters, harlots, tipstaffs. 

Grave-diggers, hangmen, fishers, aldermen. 

Politicians, brokers, skinners and scavengers — 

All bearing on their lapel the ensign of their mundane trades. 

The tinker clapper'd vigorously on his tin pan, 

While the blacksmith lustily his sonorous anvil rang. 

The joiners, all in merry glee, made smooth 

The rough wood with thei'r sharp-edged tools; 

The weavers, in accord with the usage of their craft, 

Made from the threads the glis'ning texture of the cloth, 

While the tapsters 'hind the barrels stood singing, hei! ho! 

Handing to a noisy, thirsty crowd the liquor cup. 

Also, there I saw harlots strut in gaudy robes 

To gain an unholy shilling from a passing crowd. 



208 GRAPHIC AND HUMOROUS PEN SKETCHES. 

Grave-diggers, with axea and spades on shoulders, 

With gossip in their mouths, gtrolled past the gaping crowds; 

While, arm in arm, the criminals walked with their hangmen. 

The sexton, right jovial, trots by their venal side. 

He feels quite happy, having a job in sight. 

A little off, fishermen sung their marine song 

While passing on the stormy sea from life to death along. 

Great and small, each played his allotted part 

To make things harmonize in this human mart. 

Aldermen, tipstaffs, politicians, were reeking in. their filthy gain. 

Alas! all human actions are blotted with stains. 

Last, but not least, there followed in the train. 

In tattered rags, the scavengers, with brooms amain; 

Sorrow and privation from their faces looked. 

God spake, as all had passed but them: 

"Ye have been last, but in heaven's bliss ye shall be first." 

At this heaven's curtain fell o'er this grand panorama. 
While heavenly music, and an anthem of the blest. 
Floated from above in raptured strains into my eager ears, 
Leaving the picture of this scene on my mind impressed. 



GRAPHIC AND HUMOROUS PEN SKETCHES. 209 



MEPHISTOPHELES AND THE PORKOPOLIS CITY COUNCIL. 



SCENE I. — Council Chamber in Court House. 

(Aldermen are seen in session.) 

C. Worthy confrers, how much net profit to oil our private 
wheels has been left of the city contracts for each caput of this rev- 
erend body? 

A. (Rises.) We were best share our booty now, ere Mephis- 
topheles arrives to rob us of our trophies. 

(Enter M. in T groove.) 

C. There comes his Satanic majesty now; drop the curtain, bolt 
the door. 

[Scene is shoved before, leaving M. outside; he goes to door; knocks.] 
M. Ho! my brethren, let me in. (Pauses.) They open not, are 
still as mice. Now they are diflding the spoils, without giving me my 
share. (Knocks.) Ho! ye wretches, let me in. Think ye to beat me, 
the devil, out of my justly earned share? 

A. (Within.) The door is locked, and we are devising on ways 
and means; you cannot now get in. Come at some more leisure time. 
M. This pratling is beyond endurance. Me locked out! me! who 
filled your purses with bribes and fat contracts. Me! who sent you 
through our broad land, as swells, to drink nectarian wine, carouse, 
and let you taste the sweets of bordels, and this was all paid out of 
the city purse, according to my behest, and now you quaintly say the 
door is locked, come at a more convenient time. Thus I won't be 
foiled; I want my share, else I break in, though your doors are barred 
with iron. 

[Exit at R. while scene is shoved away ;^ reveals again the Council, 

standing together in a group; music plays, while the plastering at 

the ceiling'falls in, and M. descends from above; some plastering 

falls on City Fathers' heads; they look in consternation at him. J 

M. Ha! ha! ha! ye Tartarian wretches; thought ye to keep me 

safe- without? But you see I came, though I was obliged to fracture 

your skulls; but there is not much harm done, because you have no 

brains in them. If you for past services will deal fairly with me, I 

will give you another job, that is, to repair the demolished parts of 

the ceiling, in which contract- you can make another snug sum. But 

I want my share, my share, or else I will give you a ducking. 

A. Your majesty, we pray your patience; we did not expect your 



210 GRAPHIC AND HUMOROUS PEN SKETCHES. 

highness' sudden visit, but we will discharge our debt to you by to- 
morrow. 

M. Ah! tomorrow, ye drunken sots! Put me off again with soft 
words; you spent my money in drunken brawls, in beer and cocktails; 
but I shall fumigate you till I have the last farthing. 
[He takes hold of a few; rest run out; curtain drops; scene changes 

to Chicago river, at edge of which is seen M. with some aldermen 

kneeling] 

M. How, now, do you like the perfumery, and the inhalation of the 
fragrant odor of this river? 

A. For God's sake don't drown us in this filthy river! 

M. You pray now, only to cheat me again; but the God above 
won't come. I got you in my grasp. 

A. We pray you, then, in the devil's name; and on our bended 
knees we do avow that we won't break any more faith with you. 

M. That speech is more" acceptable. But to lead you to true re- 
pentance, I must give you first here a thorough bath before I can let 
you go, so that you, when again in deliberation in the council cham- 
ber, will adopt means to clear the river of its venom'd and pestilential 
effluvia, which the citizens of this most noble city have inhaled for 
many years. [He pushes them in.] Curtain Di'ops. 

f 

P. S. — The poetic effusion appearing above, has in some measure — 
years after writing the same — been verified in Mound City, where 
a bunch of worshipful aldermen were sent to the Penitentiary for 
boodling. It is an ill-wind which blows nobody any good, as here. 
Besides the pro bono publico resulting, it also helped an obscure prose- 
cutor into the Governor's chair of a great State, as he had shrewdness 
enough to avail himself of the opportunity offered. 



GRAPHIC AND HUMOROUS PEN SKETCHES. 211 



THE WORLD OF SHAVERS. 



Here, there, everywhere, is this article (in the shape of bipeds) 
to be found, from the Garden City of Chicago (with its legion of 
saints), on, east, west, north and south on tlais continent. Cross the 
briny ocean and you will find them — at least your purse will experi- 
ence that Europe has an exotic growth of shavers. You can even there, 
in the seat of civilization, get shaved, wet, dry, hot, cold, with or 
without razor, under or on the table, in the cellar or in the garret, 
in the house or in the street, by the brutes called men, or by the 
demoisels (dam-sels), asleep or awake, while dreaming, or having 
a nightmare; afoot or on horseback — in short, in any position and 
anywhere. For instance, after you have awakened in the morning, 
and having put yourself in a perpendicular position, to ambulate 
down stairs (that is to say, if you have any stairs, and do sleep 
upstairs), to take a sniff of the rejuvenating morning air, to resus- 
citate your old limbs (proviso, if you have limbs, and they are old; if 
you have none, then die — if they are old use a glass of Bourbon to 
rectify them) on such occasions, you will find meeting you at the 
threshold an obstacle to your progress in the shape of an urchin who 
boldly confronts you, ejaculating in a stern voice, at the same time 
jerking your coat-tail, "paper! paper! sir! Times, Tribune, etc., 50,- 
000 killed." Now if you value your life, take a paper to pacify the 
ferocious twinkle in the boy's eyes. This little rascal will henceforth, 
gendarme like, keep vigil every morning at your door. Having now 
a paper you start for a walk, feeling somewhat easier,' having averted 
the belligerent darts of the newsporter; but remember this bliss is 
too sweet to be enjoyed long, for lo, there is a cloud coming towards 
you like an avalanche; it comes nearer and nearer; this looks porten- 
tious. You will squeak in your morning gown, for, remember, you are, 
like myself, a little nervous at the approach of danger. But try to 
appear composed, straddle along with your hands in your pockets, 
unconcerned, whistle an air, for you must know that often a careless 
manner at the approach of danger is considered Ijy the populace 
bravery. Now you are face to face with your adversaries, and to your 
consternation (don't show it), you will find in your venerable presence 
an army of gents belonging to the boot persuasion. They are all 
armed to the teeth with box, brush and polish, ready and willing, nay. 
determined, to sacrifice you, their victim, on the altar of a shine. Of 



212 GRAPHIC AND HUMOROUS PEN SKETCHES. 

course you have to bleed; don't open your mouth, there are breakers 
ahead. The first one grasps unceremoniously your foot, and puts it 
on the block, and imperiously demands not to move an inch the lower 
extremeties of your pedestals. Now^ the process of vigorous brushing 
commences; in few moments it is done. You shell out your tin and 
you may depart in peace. If you want to prevent an unprovoked on- 
slaught of the legion of street leeches you meet daily in your walks, 
take the advice of one who has been through the mill, namely, don't 
trust your hand in your pocket while on the sidewalk; it will cause 
a sensation among those biped wolves, for know there is a great 
affinity between your pocket and the gents of that persuasion, which 
usually terminates in the bleeding of your purse. Glad you may be 
that on your morning walk you have escaped that far unhurt. You 
may for a while stroll on in unalloyed bliss, until accidentally, per- 
chance, you brush with your hands in your last night's growth of for- 
est-like facial hirsute, which you, of course, desire to extirpate, as, 
perchance, you are an old bach, or, at all events, a ladies' man (for 
we all are). In either case, you have the laudable desire to make the 
most favorable impression on the plumed, feathered tribe, so you 
visit immediately his lordship, the barber. Take care that in the 
hurry you dan't fall over the curb-stone, break his window, and so 
unceremonious appear in the presence of his grace. After you have 
seated yourself in the barber-chair, don't imagine any comfort, for such 
hopes will be delusive. Barbers are usually men of Herculean 
strength, their razors are often a cross between a hay-fork and a 
hatchet. When he gets you nailed down on the chair, the rogue will 
smile in your face, though you suffer the most excruciating pain. Soap 
is often rare by them, therefore, they often give you a dry shave. You 
may thank heaven when you finally escape with having still your head 
on. You must expect to suffer a little for the good of the cause. You 
settle your barber bill, and then emerge like an Adonis out of Phoenix 
ashes. Of course you understand that change is the spice of life. You 
will now be quite exhausted fi'om the various roles you have played. 
In order now to strengthen your inner man, and give you an appetite 
for breakfast, take some drops of Bourbon, with some gin in them, go 
then home, say your prayers and take breakfast. Your purse will be 
lighter, and your head wiser, if you are not a dunce. • 



GRAPHIC AND HUMOROUS PEN SKETCHES. 213 



MY HUSBAND'S BOOTS. 



[Scene, parlor adjoining bed-room; view of boots beneath bed.] 

W. (to boots): Out of my sight ye Tartarian wretches; 
Once you encased my husband's pedals — 
He who so often made me subject to his will. 

[Kicks boots in one corner.] 
(Aside.) Now, perchance, he rests in Hades, or Gehenna. 
I still remember well — 'tis but one short month 
Since he has left his earthly house-. 
But halt! did I say but one short month? 
This would reflect me ill and unbeseeming, 
Though 'tis but one monlh, as men mete time, 
Yet such a round appears a weary age 
To wear the mourning weeds of widowhood. 
[Boots rise again, and stand erect on floor.] (To boots.) 
Don't stare at me with sufh bold, black, glossing ire. 
(Aside.) They seem still related by some mysterious power 
To their late master, who, at all hours. 
Was stirring within me the sulphuric fire. 
But past is past, in future I will play 
With more care the matrimonial dices, 
For in my heart there burns still a gentle fire. 
Out growth of a fond relished desire. 

[Cock crows without.] 
That's it; I'm longing for something of this kind. 
But I will tame him! tame him like my former sire. 
The winds are cold, and icicles are in the air, 
I need some manly fire to keep me warm and dry. 
[Enter Mr. Shortcut, bowing.] 

S.: Lady love, lady fair, your humble knight is here. 

W.: You're welcome; I'm glad to see you, gracious sire. 

S.: Dear elf, address me not in such cold rever'nd 
And titulary terms. Call me, for love's sake, 
Adonis, Cupid, or Romeo itself. 
Cast off thy mourning weeds, and bid thy late sire 
Rest in his grave quiet till the trumpet sound. 
[Ghost of husband rises out of boots; head visible.] 
You know 'tis for us not good to live apart. 



214 GRAPHIC AND HUMOROUS PEN SKETCHES. 

Without mutual cheer in these chilling times. 

W.: Well, I know this, gentle, I would say, loving sire, 
But for the death of my late husband. 
Oh! he was such a lovely, dear, beloved man, 
He had no equal among the usual class of-^ahem! 
We enjoyed such a happy concord of heart and mind, 
I fear I will not find such another mate. 
S. (He embraces her): Chase away those tears; I will fill the 
vacant place. 
[Ghost retires, while she shows S. her husband's habiliments.] 

W. : This the trowsers, this the coat and vest he wore; 
He ne'er urged me to sew him a button on; 
And this the boots he wore for these three years. past; 
1 now in my chamber keep for his dear sake. 
[S. takes them in his hands.] 
' W.: Nay, touch them softly-; they are mementoes 

Of him for whom undying love I have. 
Come, friend, and view his late chamber. 
[Both exeunt, while ghost rises out of boots and speaks) 

G.: Though I'm a spirit free from earthly bonds. 
Yet heaven, I pray thee grant me this request. 
To assume again for a short moment the function 
And frame of my former manhood. 
To chastise him who for this deed in contempt stands. 
By all mortal spirits who left their wives behind. 
And then let me with scorn gaze at her lust-filled eyes. 
"Oh! fickleness, thy name is woman." But a short month 
The echo of my requiem, and the tolling of my funeral bell, 
Is still sounding amid the hills, and the ears of men; 
While already she pursues another with hot desires, 
To step into my shoes and wear my gown, 
Therein to perform actions done at nuptial shrines, 

[E]nter widow; ghost disappears; she rushes to boots; 
clinches them.] 

W.: What, yet here! in semblance of thy hideous form? 
Come here to disturb my new nuptial hours? 
But I will make thee short of breath, 
So that with more ease thou can'st depart. 

[Music allegreto, while curtain drops.] 
P. S. This sketch illustrates the unseemly haste of sundry merry 
widows to remarry. 



GRAPHIC AND HUMOROUS PEN SKETCHES. 215 



THE BIRDS' MATRIMONIAL PARLIAMENT. 



The trysting place was* in a grove of palms, beneath the canopy 
of a cerulean sky, in the balmy month of May; the earth clad in its 
gayest garb of emerald green, interspersed with rare exotics of the 
flowery kingdom;, the air fragrant with budding blossoms of Spring. 

There was in session a cosmopolitan congress, comprising the 
upper and lower house of the feathery tribe, attired in their gay 
holiday garbs. They were nestled in the branches of the trees, and 
they used its leaves as parasols to protect them from the fiery beams 
of the orb of day. The subject under discussion was matrimony. 
Chanticleer, yclept rooster or cock, according to the country of its 
nativity, was herald of the gathering. And he flapped his wings 
vigorously, and crowed defiance, whenever the sisters of the conclave 
advocated economy in things matrimonial. 

There v/ere gathered together the white and the black birds; 
the brown, blue, yellow, and the multi-colored birds. In short, birds 
of all climes and feathered kingdoms were represented, amid these 
inspiring surroundings. 

The chrysalis of the caterpillar had developed into and donned 
the gorgeous garb of thte butterfiy. The bees in their hives; and 
the humming birds chanting their love songs; supported by the stork 
in favor of a numerous offspring; opposed by the black-plumed raven, 
shrieking "nevermore"; ably supported by the eagle, who advocated 
one or two to be sufficient; while the hens, amid their cackle, kept 
on laying eggs. 

Thus, amid the chirping, cooing and flapping of wings, the con- 
gress adopted the following resolution: 

Whereas, It has been* reported: that sundry mental and physical 
invalid members of this order have indulged in the game of matri- 
mony to the detriment of the common weal— , 

Therefore, Be it resolved: that hereby is established a medical 
board to examine each candidate for matrimony, as to his physical 
and mental fitness for matrimonial duties. 

Paragraph 2: That the number of offspring shall be governed 
by the condition of health and financial resources of the matrimonial 
partners. 

Paragraph 3: That each candidate, having passed the medical 
board, shall marry his- affinity. 



216 GRAPHIC AND HUMOROUS PEN SKETCHES. 

Paragraph 4: Whereas, an all-wise decree of Providence has 
decreed that all living things shall pair, therefore be it resolved that 
all eligible bachelors and spinsters of the adolescent age shall be 
fined unless they marry. Or else be compelled to sing a- madrigal 
each eventide, during the rest of their lives, outside of their sweet- 
heart's window lattice. 

Paragraph 5: That there is hereby established a perpetual fund, 
to be used as a premium for all nest-hiding matrimonial partners, 
producing the noblest and healthiest offspring. 

Paragraph 6: That in future all divorces shall be abolished, and 
that all matrimonial derelicts of the Seventh Commandment be im- 
prisoned for life on a bread and water diet. And that all other vio- 
lators of the matrimonial code shall be given a coat of tar, and fifty 
lashes on the bare back. And if not then penitent, shall be excom- 
municated. 

Paragraph 7: That all conjugal culprits shall be tried by a jury 
composed of both sexes. 

After which, the feathered congress adjourned sine die, amid the 
whir, flapping of wings, blare of trumpets, and fraternal claw-sliaking 
of the tribe. 



GRAPHIC AND HUMOROUS PEN SKETCHES. 217 



AT THE GRAND LODGE OF BRERE RABBITS. 



TMs august body of the brotherhood had been convoked for its 
annual session. They were attired in their usual garbs, wearing in 
addition the bright regalia and badges of the order. Their rendez- 
vous was at this time in a ravine through which flowed in swift cur- 
rents the crystal waters of the Suwanee river. Precipitous mountain 
peaks reared their hoary heads upward in the nebula of a clear blue 
sky. While the sward of the grove beneath had assumed the purple 
hue of an October day. Stately oak trees entwined their branches 
with the adjoining branches of their woodland brethren of the hickory, 
walnut, pine, maple and birch persuasion. 

The brethren had gathered from far and near to discuss the in- 
roads made on their domestic happiness by the pirate, man. And 
incidentally to discuss the question of temperance, as the arch se- 
ducer of Adametic age had succeeded in seducing a goodly number 
of their flock from the path of rectitude and sobriety with the ignis 
fatuus of alcoholic stimulants, used to induce exhileration and 
nepenthe. While even now in their midst there were brethren, coming 
from nearby suburbs and cities who were loaded down with a jag. 

After the conclave had settled down to business, there arose in 
its midst a long, lean and grey-bearded brother — reformed toper, now 
the editor of the Deadwood Herald, the organ of the order. 

Amid tears rolling down his blanched cheeks, he extolled the 
virtue of temperance. How it had converted his wretched life of a 
drunkard into one of happiness. How the habitual use of' alcoholic 
and other poisonous intoxicants, in time, caused cirrhosis of the liver, 
and corroded the stomach and intestines- And also beclouded, de- 
moralized and pai'alyzed the moral an intellectual faculties, making 
the life of the sufferer miserable; converting youth into decrepit old 
age; while also entailing poverty on his family and causing nine- 
tenths of the crimes committed against the laws of society. 

In short, this speaker advocated total abstinence. 

After which, another speaker rose on his haunches. He was op- 
posed to the preceding speaker. He claimed, that total abstinence 
was too radical; infringing on the liberty of the individual. But, that 
temperance in all things would be the desired goal of the order. 

He, however, was interrupted by another brother, who supported 
the first speaker, claiming that the drinking of intoxicants in modera- 



218 GRAPHIC AND HUMOROUS PEN SKETCHES. 

tion was an illusion, as the tempter always led the drinker to desire 
one more. 

After the discussion had ended, this illustrious body adopted the 
following i-esolution: 

Whereas, it has been reported that sundry members of this order 
have become hopeless drunkards, threatening their own, as also the 
society's well being, therefore be it resolved, that the constitution 
and by-laws of this order be amended as follows: 

Paragraph 1: That total abstinence shall be the slogan in this 
commonwealth, and it shall be a misdemeanor to violate "any of its 
provisions. The violator indulging in intoxicant poisons of alcoholic 
or other origin; in short, for looking on the wine when it is red, shall 
be confined in prison on a diet of bread and water. That hereafter 
only home-made cider, soda, apolonaries, coffee, tea and other soft 
drinks shall be used in moderation. But, that as a general beverage, 
the water wagon shall have the right of way. 

Paragraph 2: That the manufacture and sale of beer, whisky 
and other intoxicants (except for medical purposes) is hereby pro- 
hibited. And that all stock of the devil's liquored devices now on 
hand shall be poured into the gutters. 

Paragraph 3: That in order to stamp out in future the curse of 
intoxication, the youth of the country shall be thoroughly educated in 
the principle of total abstinence, so that they may grow up vigorous 
and healthy, without the abnormal desire for stimulants. 

This closed the session of the order, and they adjourned to a 
splendid repast of nuts, spread on, the sward; laving the inner man 
to their hearts' C9ntent with the crystal waters flowing past their 
rendezvous. After which they winked a kind farewell to each other, 
and wagging their tails as a final au-revoir. 



GRAPHIC AND HUMOROUS PEN SKETCHES. 219 

LOOK ON THIS PICTURE FOR FAMILY RESEMBLANCE. 




I and my long-eared collaborateur, Lord Asinus, had a seance and 
gc somewhat mixed in this homeoparhic dose of cerebral peppermint 
CO nation. As I am in doubt, I leave it to the vox populi to say Who 
between us twain furnished the original matter and who did the mere 
compiling. For my own part I have great respect for the physical 
creative genius of his Lordship, particularly in case I were cornered 
near the aft part of his body, commonly known as his hind hoofs- 
thus I wish not to make any invidious distinction between proud man 
and my long-eared confrere. Human nature in all its phases is amply 
niustrated by him, and you will coincide with me by looking on his 
phiz and that of the genus homo, whom you meet in your daily walk 
to-wit: (Mind this to-wit, the legal parlance of the loco-foco) The 
proud chevaliers who kick you when you are down. The knights who 
to enrich their coffers wouldn't scruple to rob a coffin of its shroud 
The long-eared, verdant and pulpy-headed man and brother, who on 
moon-lit nights ambles past your threshold, linked to a sweet-eyed 
damsel (whose face is albeit laden down with a truck full of cos- 
metics) spinning out his— wheedling vocalism, fraught with sur- 
tace love. Like a meandering brook, it ripples from his lips but 
alas! like the water of the brook, it also vanishes phantom-like in 
the reality of life. Nay you can trace this lordly profile in its royal 
state to Its hiding place amid the arena of politicians, and even to 
the gilded palaces-shaded with classic dust and wise see-saws- 
hitched to a ponderous "if'-of our soi-disant statesmen and the 
bench-show masquerading in their ermine. Need I ask you? to com- 



220 GRAPHIC AND HUMOROUS PEN SKETCHES. 

pare the pensive, sad look of my noble Lord, and that of the jilted 
lover, or of that household article called, hen-pecked-husband, and 
you will say amen to my tryst saying. Look at the man who walks 
off on his ear, when you ask him to loan you a dollar. The fellow 
who is staving mad and ready to kick your posterior, if you ask him 
to pay you, that little hill he owes you. Or look at the thoughtless, 
stubborn boy who kicks asunder the paternal harness, or even the 
Stoic who with sardonic smile derides the self-imposed miseiies, as 
well as the Utopian joys of life; and to complete the picture behold 
the "bys and gals" who grind their daily oats, like their long-eared 
prototype, unconcerned of hail or snow, storm or sunshine. Your 
cerebral machinery, if well oiled, will then affirm, that all these are 
grains of character which can be found in the noble bulk of the 
jackass. 

"Palmam qui meruit ferat." Give me the Tin. 



GRAPHIC AND HUMOROUS PEN SKETCHES. 22] 



Pick me up and read my pages over. 
Perchance you'll find in them, the likeness of 
A sister — brother — lover. 



WHISPERS OF THE HEART. 



Let your love shine brig*htest on the Altar of Matrimony. 

Love is coextensive with its offspring. 

It is a native of the imagination and the red corpuscles of the 
blood — erratic, yet inspired. 

Love is an unbidden, yet welcome guest. Let it be your servant — 
not your master. 



We love but once, in this mundane vale; 
Still we may smile, and smile again. 



This complex smile is shy — wistful — hopeful until it turns to 
iridescent crimson hues of love's fruition and triumph. 



It is all wool and will not fade in washing. 



FACTS CONCERNING THE U. S. A. 



FACTS CONCERNING THE U. S. A. 



USEFUL TO THE TRANS-ATLANTIC READER. 



The United States consists of forty-six states and six territories, 
with a population of 84,206,618; united under a compact, called "The 
Constitution"; whose main provisions are the declaration of inde- 
pendence; a bill of rights. Provisions to maintain an army and navy; 
the collection of internal revenue to support the government; and to 
regulate the tax on exportation and importation; to prevent the seces- 
sion of any state or states from the Union; to regulate interstate com- 
merce and transportation; and to exercise a sort of paternal super- 
vision of all states; leaving the sovereignty of each state intact, re- 
specting its local and internal affairs. Though the trend of the present 
age is towards centralization, with imperialism looming up in the 
future, which may yet become a reality within the present half century. 

Its government is divided into three departments, viz: the execu- 
tive, the judicial, and the legislative. At the head of the executive 
is the President, elected every four years by the electors, delegated 
by the vote of the people of each state. The judiciary is nominated 
by the President and confirmed by the Senate. The legislative branch 
consists of two bodies, viz: The House of representatives, elected 
by the people; and the Senate, or upper House, whose members are 
elected by the legislators of each state. 

Citizenship: Foreigners of good character may become citizens, 
after two years of residence, by declaring their intention to become 
a citizen of the United States. And after five years" residence they 
receive their final papers as full-fledged citizens. 

Each citizen, or one who has declared his intention to become 
cue, is entitled to 160 acres, of Und'free of charge, provided he culti- 
vates at least a part thereof, and resides thereon five years. 

Of late, the railroads have been compelled by law to transport 
passengers at only two cents per mile. 

The climate of the United States is mainly moderate, 'though 
running the gamut from extreme cold to extreme heat, at its north- 
ern or southern boundaries. 

The Mississippi river runs through the fertile valley of the middle 



FACTS CONCERNING THE U. S. A. 223 

west,' and is one of the largest and longest river in the United States; 
being navigable from St. Paul to its mouth at New Orleans, where it 
empties into the Gulf of Mexico; being about 3,000 miles long. 

Skilled mechanics and business men find the United States a 
money-making country. Even common laborers can make a prosper- 
ous living, and a comfortable competence, if sober and industrious. 
And farming is a sure source of comfort and independence. 

Eight hours now constitutes by law and common consent a full 
day's work. 

The main dangers threatening the political and social fabric of the 
United States is its increasing intemperance and other dissipations. 
As also the army of conscienceless politicians, speculators and gam- 
blers in bonds and stocks. In addition, the unseemly haste by which 
youths are rushed into manhood and independence of paternal control, 
thereby engendering a disrespect for old age, and disregard for its 
salutary precepts. 

There is a free school system all over the country, while some 
of the states have compulsory education. 

Every person in the United States charged with a criminal offense 
is guaranteed, free of charge, a trial by jury of twelve men, who must 
by their unanimous verdict find him guilty, or discharge him. 

And last, but not least, let me whisper in your ear, "that Ameri- 
can heiresses may be had for a song, by unmarried and good-.tooking 
transatlantic counts and "barons." 



224 



FACTS CONCERNING THE U. S. A. 



POPULATION OF PRINCIPAL CITIES OF THE U. S. A. ESTI- 

MATED JUNE 1, 1906, BY THE BUREAU OF 

CENSUS, WASHINGTON, D. C. 



Akron, Ohio 50,738 

Albany, N. Y 98,537 

Allegheny, Pa 145,240 

Allentown, Pa 41,595 

Atlanta, Ga 104,984 

Atlantic City, N. J 39,554 

Auburn, N. Y 32,963 

Baltimore, Md 553,669 

Bay City, Mich 40,587 

Binghamton, N. Y 43,785 

Birmingham, Ala 45,869 

Boston, Mass 602,278 

Bridgeport, Conn 84,274 

Buffalo, N. Y 381,819 

Butte, Mont 43,624 

Cambridge, Mass ....... 98,544 

Canton, Ohio 38,440 

Cedar Rapids, la 293,880 

Charleston, S. C 56,317 

Chattanooga, Tenn.- 34,297 

Chester, Pa ■ 38,002 

Chicago, 111 2,049,185 

Cincinnati, Ohio 345,230 

Cleveland, Ohio 460,327 

Colorado Springs, Colo.. 29,338 

Columbus, Ohio 145,414 

Council Bluffs, la 25,117 

Covington, Ky 46,43B 

Dallas, Tex 52,793 

Davenport, la 40,706 

Dayton, Ohio 100,799 

Denver, Colo 151,920 

Des Moines, la 78,323 

Detroit, Mich 353,535 

Dubuque, la 43,070 

Duluth, Minn 67,337 

East St. Louis, 111 40,958 

Erie, Pa 59,993 

Eivansville, Ind 63,957 

Fall River, Mass . 105,942 

Fitchburg, Mass 33,319 

Fort Wayne, Ind 50,947 

Fort Worth, Tex 27,096 



Galveston, Tex 34,355 

Grand Rapids, Mich 99,794 

Harrisburg, Pa 55,735 

Hamilton, Ohio 27,670 

Hartford, Conn 95,822 

Hoboken, N. J 66,689 

Holyoke, Mass 50,778 

Houston, Tex 58,132 

Indianapolis, Ind.. 219,154 

Jackson, Mich 25,360 

Jacksonville, Fla 36,675 

Johnstown, Pa 43,250 

Joliet, 111 32,185 

Kansas City, Kan 77,912 

Kansas City, Mo 182,376 

Knoxville, Tenn 36,051 

La Crosse, Wis 29,115 

Lancaster, Pa 47,129 

Lexington, Ky 29,299 

Lima, Ohio 27,702 

Lincoln, Neb 48,232 

Little Rock, Ark 39,959 

Los Angeles, Cal . 102,479 

Louisville, Ky 226,129 

Lowell, Mass 95,173 

Macon, Ga 32,692 

Manchester, N. H 64,703 

Memphis. Tenn 125.018 

Milwaukee, Wis 317,903 

Minneapolis, Minn 273,825 

Mobile, Ala 42,903 

Montgomery, Ala 40,808 

Nashville, Tenn 84,703 

Newark, N. J 289,634 

New Bedford, Mass 76,746 

New Britain, Conn 121,227 

New Orleans, La 314,146 

Newport, Ky 30,229 

Newton, Mass 37,475 

New York, N. Y 4,112,043 

Niagara Falls, N. Y 27,827 

Norfolk, Va 66,931 

Oakland, Cal 73,812 



FACTS CONCERNING THE U. S. A. 



225 



Omaha, Neb 124,167 

Patterson, N. J ; . 112,801 

Peoria, 111 66,365 

Pawtucket, R. I '. 44,211 

Philadelphia, Pa 1,441,735 

Pittsburg, Pa 375,082 

Pittsfield, Mass 25,648 

Portland, Me 55,167 

Portland, Ore 109,884 

Providence, R. 1 203,243 

Pueblo, Colo 30,824 

Quincy, 111 39,108 

Quincy, Mass 28,911 

Racine, Wis 32,928 

Reading, Pa 91,141 

Richmond, Va 87^246 

Rochester, N. Y 185,703 

Saginaw, Mich 48^742 

St. Joseph, Mo 118,004 

St. Louis, Mo . 649!320 

St. Paul, Minn 203,815 

Salem, Mass 37,961 

Salt Lake City, Utah 61,202 

San Antonio, Tex 62,711 

San Francisco, Cal 342782 

Savanah, Ga. . 68,'596 



Scran ton, Pa 118,692 

Seattle, Wash 104,169 

Sioux City, la 42,520 

South Bend, Ind 44,605 

Spokane, Wash 47,006 

Superior, Wis 37,643 

Syracuse, N. Y 118,880 

Tacoma, Wash 55,392 

Terre Haute, Ind 52,805 

Toledo, Ohio 159,980 

Topeka, Kan 41,886 

Trenton, N. J 86,'355 

Troy, N. Y 76,513 

Utica, N. Y 65,099 

Waltham, Mass 26,842 

Washington, D. C 307,716 

Wheeling, W. Va 41,494 

Wichita, Kan 35'541 

Wilkesbarre, W. Va. . . . 41,494 

Wilmington, Del 85^140 

Woonsocket, R. 1 32,994 

Worcester, Mass 130,078 

Yonkers, N. Y . 64,110 

York, Pa 39^168 

Youngstown, Ohio 52,710 



ERRATA. 

Page i8 — Should read, "Yokel" for "Yckel." 

Page 63 — Should read, "Its" for "His." 

Page 71 — Should read, "Unknown" for "Known." 

Page "jj — Should read, "Added" for "Adds." 



IN D E X. 



I. - 

REBECCA AT THE WELL 

Page 
Chapter 1. The Girl at the Well 8 

2. Prop's New Home 15 

3. The Mill by the Floss 19 

4. The Kirmess 24 

5. The Elopement 33 

6. A Rival's Treachery 36 

7. The Departure for America 43 

8. Arrival in the Promised Land 46 

9. Clouds are Coming 49 

10. The Court Trial 53 

11. A Wife's Heroism 57 

12. My Swetheart of the Well 63 

II. 

. * MESDAMES COX AND BOX. 

Chapter 1. The Two Detectives 70 

2. The Lovers' Trysting Place 91 

3. The Final Catastrophe 97 

III. 

Mradise not lost. 

Chapter 1. Camp Fire of the Insurgents 105 

2. Jacob's Abode 120 

3. Pharaoh's Palace 122 

4. Solomon's Temple 125 

5. Socrates' Cottage 127 

6. The Temple in Jerusalem 129 

7. The New World on a Fourth of July 132 



Mr< -^ 1908 



IV. 

OUR DOUGHTY CANTINEERS. 

Page 
Chapter 1. Our Doughty Cantineers 145 

2. Patriotic Sauce in an Indian Dish 154 

POEMS. 

Chapter .1. Goddess of Liberty 161 

2. The Wretch at Sea 163 

3. The Spectre Bride ..168 

4. The World a Curiosity Shop 171 

5. Life's Goal 173 

6. The Dying Bride 174 

7. A Ghostly Apparition.^ 178 

8. The Stimulus of Life 182 

9. The Parson at. Heaven's Gate 185 

10. The Emancipated Woman ■ 188 

11. A Midnight Soliloquy 191 

12. The Spirits' Jubilee : 192 

13. The Chicago Holocaust 194 

14. Love's May _ _ 196 

GRAPHIC AND HUMOROUS PEN SKETCHES. 

Chapter 1. Epitaphs ......* 198 

2. The Judgment Bar 202 

3. Mephistopheles and the Porkopolis City Council 209 

4. The World of Shavers , 211 

5. My Husband's Boots 213 

6. The Birds' Matrimonial Congress 215 

7. At the Grand Lodge of Brere Rabbits ' 217 

8. Look on This Picture for Family Resemblance 219 

9. Whispers of the Heart 221 

10. Facts Stranger Than Fiction 222 



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